Family

July 8, 2015 By Susan O'Grady 5 Comments

Division of labor in relationships: How to make it work

Division of labor in relationships -- learning to talk about without conflict. — Artwork by Peter Berkowitz

Conflict is inevitable in marriage, and how to divvy up chores is one of the most common conflicts. Virtually every couple I have seen for counseling over the last twenty years has argued about the division of labor in their marriage. As the mental scorecard of who does what grow longer with each year, the couple’s friendship and good feeling is eroded.

First, a few words about conflict in general. We know that not all conflict can be resolved. That’s to be expected; learning to tolerate conflict is something all people who live or work together must do. Some issues will come up many times over the course of a long-term relationship, but this is not a sign of failure . Think of managing conflict rather than resolving it. Framing disagreement this way gives you the opportunity to talk over issues and work toward compromise. Remember, couples that never fight are not necessarily happier. Anger that’s papered over, denied, or unexpressed doesn’t disappear; it tends to compound over time.

In fact, anger and conflict can strengthen relationships when you express your needs in ways that will be heard (as opposed to harping, nagging, constant complaining, criticism, and negativity).

For example, don’t go into a conflict discussion with guns blazing. A softened startup helps set a friendly context that will determine the way the whole thing goes. Being able to follow basic rules of good-faith engagement will lead to deeper understanding and more productive discussions. Of course, screaming, threats, sarcasm, name calling, and criticism are never okay.

Common areas of conflict around division of labor

Disagreements can arise in several ways. Couples can have very different ideas about what “clean” means, for example. The stereotype is the slob who claims not to see the dirt paired with a hygiene-obsessed neat freak. While it’s easy to understand the role of laziness in conflict, over-vigilance can also be problematic. An over-controlling gatekeeper may set onerous rules and methods for exactly how housework gets done, what kids can eat, how much screen time they can have, and so on.

Women tend more toward gatekeeping—of course, this is a generalization, and roles are fluid and changing today. But in the case of a conflict around a gatekeeping mother, a deeper understanding of the pattern might include appreciating how women often feel heavy cultural pressure to run perfect households. Stay-at-home mothers, especially, may feel that their power in the husband-wife relationship lies in setting domestic rules. But like everyone, such mothers need a break with housework and kids sometimes—and that means letting their partners do things their own ways, within reason (children aren’t neglected and chores get done).

If one partner makes up all the rules, the other will feel resentful. If there are significant differences in how things are done, find ways to communicate about them and find solutions both can agree on. Stepping up on the one hand, and accepting good-enough help on the other, can go a long way toward resolving this conflict.

Another common but not always acknowledged conflict is, for couples with children, agreeing on what counts as time with the kids. Mothers typically consider activities such as shuffling kids to activities, packing lunches, or coordinating after-school activities as parental involvement. But dad may think that throwing around a ball or playing a video game together counts equally well. Fun is important, but no one parent should have to shoulder all the mundane activities.

Dividing household jobs

As hinted above, gender plays a role in labor division, even if not deliberately. Often, gender roles established by the couple’s parents become the template of how household and parenting jobs are divided. Some couples will consciously avoid doing things the way their parents did. But certain jobs are still likely to get divided along gender lines—men take out the garbage, pick up dead animals, do the yard work, and plunge the toilet, for example.

Even when both partners have jobs, women do considerably more housework. Data from the National Survey of Families and Households conducted by the University of Wisconsin shows that women who don’t work outside the home spend about 38 hours a week on housework compared to 12 hours for their husbands. Working women continue to do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, around 28 hours a week, while husbands of working women contribute about 16 hours a week on chores.

Assessing labor division is further complicated when some work is invisible. Certain time-consuming jobs routinely fall to women but don’t count as “housework,” such as planning the social calendar, play dates, childcare, and birthday parties, including buying birthday gifts and supervising thank-you note writing. This work matters: teaching good manners and assuring that children don’t get left out of the ever-shifting social hierarchy of childhood is important to their development and happiness.

When this issue comes up in counseling, men will routinely tell their partners not to worry so much, but unfortunately this does just the opposite of reducing conflict. It feels and is dismissive.

Even couples that have full time childcare don’t escape the division of labor struggles. Surprising to couples who do not have live-in childcare, even managing the nanny has to go on the list of who does what. No one turns over the care to their children without giving sufficient time to forming a good working relationship with the person charged with caring for them.

When you think about who does what, pay attention to the little things, such as taking out the garage, cleaning up the dog poop, getting oil for the car, taking clothes to the dry cleaners—they may seem like minor errands, but they add up.

The list of common household jobs below shows many things that go into running a home and managing a family. Use it to discuss who does what in your relationship. Next to each activity, put the initials of the partner who does that job. Then go through the list again and see if there are chores you’d like to restructure.

Remember that things don’t have to be balance out 50/50, so long as you each agree on how to structure the tasks that need doing. If there are things that no one wants to do, consider taking turns or finding other ways to make up the difference. It’s also worthwhile to consider which chores are occasional or seasonal and which are weekly or daily tasks.

Who does what in the relationship?

General household tasks

Going to the cleaners
Washing windows
Planning the food menu
Grocery shopping
Cooking dinner
Setting the table
Cleaning up after dinner
Cleaning the kitchen
Cleaning the bathrooms
Putting out clean towels
General tidying up
Getting the car serviced
Putting gas in the car
Sorting incoming mail
Paying the bills
Managing investments
Balancing the accounts
Keeping social calendar
Returning phone calls or e-mail
Taking out garbage and trash
Recycling
Washing clothes
Folding the laundry
Ironing
Putting the clean clothes away
Vacuuming
Washing floors
Replacing light bulbs
Repairing appliances
Making the beds
Cleaning the refrigerator
Shopping for clothing
Planning travel
Making home repair
Remodeling
Buying furniture
Redecorating the home
Buying items for the home
Buying new appliances
De-cluttering
Organizing kitchen cabinets and drawers
Doing yard work and lawn maintenance
Banking
Caring for house plants
Straightening and rearranging closets
Getting house ready for guests or a party
Buying gifts for family members and housewarmings, etc.
Keeping in touch with family
Preparing for holidays
Planning vacations and getaways
Arranging couple dates

Childcare tasks

Coordinating kid’s activities
Taking children to school
Picking children up from school
Doing or arranging childcare after school
Preparing child meals and lunches
Spending time with kids
Planning family outings with kids
Taking children to medical, dental, and similar appointments
Supervising homework
Supervising child baths
Meting out child discipline
Supervising bedtime with kids
Dealing with a sick child
Handling child crises
Dealing with a child’s emotions
Attending teacher conferences
Communications with the schools
Attending special kid events
Arranging kid birthday and other parties
Arranging kid lessons
Arranging kid play dates
Shopping for kids’ stuff

May 20, 2015 By Susan O'Grady 6 Comments

Marriage and Parenting: Balancing everyone’s needs

Work-life Balance — Making Time for Yourself

When I was born, my father’s colleagues congratulated him with the cartoon below.

The proud new dad is wearing a halo and peering up at a trophy of me, his firstborn, hands on my hips. Behind him is a trash can filled with his favorite toys: skis, golf clubs, bowling ball. As this cartoon acknowledges, we all understand that when kids enter the marriage, parents have more work and less free time for previously enjoyed activities. When I ask couples during their initial therapy sessions about what they do for fun, they often look at each other, shrug, and say something like “Well, we sometimes watch TV together after the kids are in bed.”

One of the hardest things about having kids is the loss of identity. Parents often feel that they have to give up their recreational pursuits because children demand all their time. But is this necessary? In fact, parents today spend much more time with their kids than they did in previous generations. Fathers spend twice as much time in child-oriented activities than they did in 1965, and mothers spend an average of 20 percent more time with their kids. Where does this extra time come from, and what is sacrificed?

Generally, when both parents work outside the home, that extra time has come from mothers dropping some housework chores since 1965, and dads picking some up. But most of the additional child-oriented time has come at the expense of time spent with partner, friends, and on personal interests.

The Venn Diagram of Marriage

Think of your relationship as a Venn diagram composed of two circles, one for each partner. The circles overlap for couple time—date night, activities together, time alone together. If you have children, add a third circle for kid-oriented or family time. Depending on the ages of your children, that circle will be larger at some times than others, but the important thing is to have your own circle, large enough to have time for individual pursuits not involving your partner or the kids.

This was what my dad threw away. He trashed all those fun activities to support his family. For him, as for so many men of his generation, ”support” did not mean participating in child-oriented time; it meant working. In my parents’ conventional marriage, he was the wage earner and provider: so much so that by the time his cancer was diagnosed, he had accrued three years of sick time. Which was just the exact amount of time he used before he died.

Don’t make that mistake. Give yourself permission to pursue your passions (within reason; maybe not 18 holes of golf every weekend, as this will surely cause conflict in the marriage) and reclaim the things you loved doing before kids or find new interests that nourish you.

What we know for sure:

Don’t give up friendships. Friends are good for marriage because marriage doesn’t have to meet our every need. Friends also spread the load of stress so the marriage doesn’t have to bear it all.
Express your needs for support and negotiate compromises. Fairness in distributing chores and caregiving tasks will reduce stress in your relationship. Read my post about the division of labor in marriage.
Make time for fun together. Having enough fun strengthens your relationship and protects it during hard times. A good rule of thumb is to schedule two dates a week, where you get a sitter, a friend, relative, or neighbor to watch the kids and you go out for coffee, a walk, or dinner. Try to make it new and invent different activities to do together. In Gottman’s work, this would be called turning toward each other.
Make time for yourself. Taking time for self-care is as important as caring for your family. Self-care includes a wide range of activities: taking a yoga class, doing formal meditation, exercising, skiing, painting, or gardening, (and bowling, golf, scouting.)

April 29, 2015 By Susan O'Grady 8 Comments

Parenting: Playing the Hand You’re Dealt

As parents, most of us make terrible fortune-tellers. When my daughter Eileen was a first-grader, she was sent to the principal’s office for fighting with her friend Eric. Apparently, he’d put a rock in the way of ants marching on the sidewalk, and Eileen felt bad for them “because they are so little it made it hard for them to do their work.” When Eric refused to move the rock, Eileen kicked him in the shins.

At the time, I interpreted Eileen’s motivations as tender-heartedness (toward the ants, anyway), but I never would have imagined that this foreshadowed an interest in workers’ rights. Today, Eileen researches and writes about working conditions in Latin America for a D.C. think tank.

We know from experience that we don’t know how our lives will unfold, and that we often see our own life events more clearly in retrospect. Looking back, we can see how seemingly random events make up the stones in our life’s pathway toward individuation. It’s all the more difficult, then, to look ahead and see how our children’s sense of identity is deepening, especially when that journey doesn’t match with what we’ve mapped out for them.

From Childcare to College: Joys, Disappointments and Worries

As prospective parents, we tell ourselves stories about what our child will be like, entertaining idealized images of family life. As parents, we need to be respectful of the way our child’s life will coalesce—but staying out of it is tough. We want to help and to shape them; isn’t that our job? But for most parents, those idealized imaginings will be replaced with realistic understanding that comes from experience. From childcare to college, there will be joys, but also disappointments and worries.

The Haggadah (the book of readings for a Seder service) refers to four types of children who, viewing the Seder in different ways, ask different questions about Passover. One child is wise, one wicked, one simple, and one doesn’t know how to ask. Why four types? According to artist David Moss, “Every child is unique and the Torah embraces them all. . . . Diversity, how we deal with it, and how we can discover the blessing within it, is perhaps the theme of the midrash of the Four Children.” For good reason, Moss represents the four children as playing cards: “As in a game of chance, we have no control over the children dealt us. It is our task as parents, as educators, to play our hand based on the attributes of the children we are given.”

Many factors will play a role in who our child becomes. When we try too hard to control who our child becomes (social butterfly, academic striver, sports hero) we risk ignoring their own preferences and their ability to develop according to a rhythm of their own. That is not all we risk. As Carl Jung wrote, “Nothing exerts a stronger psychic effect upon the environment, and especially upon children, than the life which the parents have not lived.” (“Paracelsus,” 1929. The Spirit in Man, Art, and Literature, tr. R. F. C. Hull, 1966.) Pushing our child to be the best at something they don’t feel engaged with is too often our way to living our lives through our child, rather than allowing them to grow in ways they would choose.

Knowing When to Step In and When to Let Go

Kids have inborn abilities that we can support and encourage, respecting the differences between them, their siblings, and their peers. The way the Army and Air Force train bomb-sniffing dogs illustrates this concept. All dogs have olfactory acuity, but for a dog to do well in training, it must be willing to go to the target repeatedly without fetching (which would have disastrous results) and without losing interest, instead being motivated by the dog handler’s praise and rewards. So, even in such an important and dangerous job, the factors of individual traits (good nose, persistence), and environmental (the handler’s praise and rewards) play a role in which dogs will succeed at their job. Labs and German shepherds make great bomb sniffers, but my Tibetan terrier would never have been good at this job. If I throw a stick for her to fetch, she just stares at me. But she’s a great help in alerting me with her shrill bark (in the middle of the night) to the raccoons in the trees. The point is, I love her even if she’ll never be a good retriever; she’s a fantastic Tibetan terrier.

We don’t know who our children will become. There is no way to predict or to order up the perfect offspring. They are shaped by many factors. Our role as parents is to provide the best environment for their growth, knowing when to step in and when to let go.

February 17, 2015 By Susan O'Grady Leave a Comment

Building and Keeping a Strong Relationship After Having Kids

Marital conflict is bad for kids. While every marriage has conflict, especially after the first baby, persistent difficulties in the marital relationship expose children to increased chance of depression, poor communication skills, and conduct disorder later in life.

Cindy and Max came to see me after their daughter Sophie started pre-school and teachers called them in to discuss her inability to speak in class or to play with other kids. Cindy and Max thought she was just shy, but Sophie was diagnosed with a form of social anxiety. I learned that the couple, not wanting Sophie to suffer the anxiety of being left with a babysitter, had never gone out on a date after her birth. They were never alone together and had even stopped entertaining friends. At home, Cindy and Max spent no couple time, except perhaps when bickering about who was going to do certain chores. Most meals were eaten in front of the TV; when the family did all sit down at a table together, Sophie would be the focus of their attention.

Cindy and Max responded to these tensions by stonewalling. Conflict lingered without any closure. Sophie observed all this, of course, and her separation anxiety increased until she became mute in front of anyone but her parents. It was only the diagnosis of anxiety that spurred her parents to look at their unhappiness and how it was affecting their daughter.

The Best Way to Take Care of Your Kids is to Take Care of Your Marriage

The most important thing you can do is to stay good friends with your partner. Handle conflicts with gentleness and positivity; repair arguments when they become nasty. These seemingly simple things can create a climate that fosters intimacy, romance, and emotional engagement because these things grow out of a couple’s friendship and their ability to manage conflict.

Couples of today expect a lot from marriage; in previous generations when roles were more clear-cut, expectations were lower. People become partners because they value time together, but a new baby shifts the balance. Couple time recedes and baby time takes the lion’s share. For women, marital satisfaction goes way down, from 62% of childless married women reporting being very happy to only 38% of new mothers reporting feeling happy.

Please note: While many women get the “baby blues,” a relatively brief emotional letdown after childbirth, some 8 to 19% of women reported having frequent postpartum depressive (PPD) symptoms in a CDC survey. These symptoms include having scary or negative thoughts about the baby, worrying about hurting the baby, and feeling ashamed about not being a good mother. PPD is a serious problem that can not only affect the sufferer but also impair infant-mother attachment and the marriage. If a woman has this more severe depression, it is important she discuss her symptoms with her physician, who will refer her to a psychologist for counseling and a psychiatrist for medication evaluation.

Protecting Your Sex Life is One Way to Stay Connected When Children Take So Much

Having kids puts a damper on a couple’s sex life in several ways. Nursing shifts the hormonal balance by suppressing estrogen, increasing prolactin, and lowering testosterone levels. This combination results in vaginal dryness, which can cause pain during intercourse and lower libido. Breastfeeding is literally draining, and it’s additionally tiring to have sole responsibility to feed or even pump, especially on a newborn’s two-hour feeding cycles. Nursing does increase oxytocin, the feel-good hormone. With the baby meeting the mother’s needs for happiness, warmth, and intimacy, fathers can feel left out. However, fathers can experience rising oxytocin levels when cuddling their babies—they don’t have to feel left out http://www.livescience.com/10784-dads-hormone-boost-caring-baby.html. Many women, whether they nurse or not, feel “touched out” by the end of a day full of clingy young children.

While it’s not possible to change your hormonal balance, looking at what you can change will go a long way. Understanding that loss of desire is normal and that it will return is reassuring. It can also be reassuring to know that couples can maintain good sex lives without gymnastics. As Dr. Helen Fisher says, “If you want to start a very active sex life with your partner, don’t wait for your sex drive to get you to the bedroom. Just get to the bedroom.” Quickie sex releases all the feel-good chemicals of long gourmet sex. I tell my clients that meat & potato sex is fine (or gluten free.) Not every meal is gourmet. Even if you aren’t in the mood, the closeness you feel will increase warmth and affection when not in the bedroom.

There are many other ways to protect your relationship after having children. In future posts, I will discuss other important ways to take care of your children by caring for your marriage.

September 17, 2014 By Susan O'Grady Leave a Comment

Five Excuses Couples Use to Avoid Date Night

1. “Hiring a sitter is too expensive.”

There are ways to minimize the expense of hiring a babysitter. A neighborhood teenager is probably the least expensive way to go; they’re usually happy to sit for less than the minimum wage of $8.00. Tipping will keep you in their good graces, but it doesn’t have to be a lot.

If hiring a sitter costs too much, or if there is no one in the neighborhood, then try asking for a babysitting trade with a trusted neighbor: “You watch my kids one Friday night, and we’ll watch yours the next Friday.” This way neighborhood kids get to know each other and each couple has a chance to get away.

If you have a good relationship with your family, asking them to stay with your kids is a way to cement family bonds.

Another possibility is taking the opportunity to work from home several times a month or work a flex schedule. Going in late one day, while the kids are in school, will give you time to go for a walk or coffee. Dates don’t always have to be at night.

2. “I can’t leave my kids with anyone else.”

It is important to analyze why you are uncomfortable leaving your kids. Separation anxiety can play a role. But know that if kids pick up your anxiety about leaving them, it will reinforce their separation anxiety from you. This is a set-up for later problems such as sleepovers or summer camp. Kids need to feel secure in their knowledge that you are comfortable leaving them. That conveys trust and security, and they will internalize this so they feel secure in the world. Some parents are worried about abuse. I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s Protecting the Gift as a useful, sane approach to such fears: http://gavindebecker.com/resources/book/protecting_the_gift/

3. “I don’t want to be alone with my partner.”

Are you avoiding intimacy with your partner? When Jim and Nancy came to counseling, they hadn’t been on any dates since their four-year was born. And with him sleeping in their bed, they had little opportunity for intimacy in their home. When the family bed becomes a deterrent to intimacy, it may be time to transition to a big-boy bed. If you are ready to explore this, Dr. David O’Grady has developed the Snooze Easy Program, which has been very helpful to parents looking to make this change. Like all avoidance behaviors, the more you avoid something the more difficult it is to do. When it’s been a long time since you’ve been alone together, returning to that intimacy can feel awkward. You may feel shy around your partner; worse, over months or years of not feeling connected, negative feelings can build up, so putting the energy into setting up a date happens less and less. Avoidance establishes a self-reinforcing pattern.

4. “When I have free time, I want to spend it with my friends.”

Scheduling book groups, school meetings, or cocktails with friends while your partner stays home with the kids doesn’t give your relationship the time and investment needed to keep it healthy. Keeping up friendships is important. But if it precludes time alone with your partner, resentment can fester. When Nancy and Jim came to counseling, Jim was often away in the evenings. He went to sporting events with his friends, had occasional late meetings at work, and frequently stopped at the gym on his way home. Nancy felt like he had no time for her. And the result? She was resentful and bitter, which served to push Jim away more so that there was no compelling reason to say no to invitations after work.

Another way couples put friends first is to go out on dates, but with their couple friends. Having friends you both enjoy is a wonderful thing; joint outings to plays, sporting events, or supper clubs can be great for relationships. But if you find that these get-togethers constitute the majority of your time together, then you need to give your relationship some just-the-two-of-you time.

5. “It’s just easier to stay home.”

Routines, like having a drink, watching TV, or playing a computer game, are comfort activities, but they can lack engagement, imagination, and energy. Some couples will do these activities together –sharing the experience—which can be fun and bring closeness.

We get passive for many reasons. Inertia is a strong force in marriage, not least because we all develop routines as a matter of course, to simplify and organize our lives. Staying with routines is easy, on the surface: you don’t have to plan what to do, no need to call a sitter or spend any money. But there is danger in this passivity. Relationships need energy and time.

You can break through inertia in several ways. Prepare a list of things you can do together that you agree would be fun and affordable. Take turns planning dates. One week, Jim arranges childcare, makes reservations, etc.; the next, Nancy. Each partner gets a week off to just relax.

Division of labor in relationships: How to make it work