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February 10, 2013 By Susan O'Grady Leave a Comment

The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

"The Great Wall"During lectures about marriage, I have used this photo of the Great Wall of China to illustrate Gottman’s fourth horseman of the apocalypse: Stonewalling.

When we were in China a few years ago, we had the good fortune to see this magnificent stone wall when there were no other people around. It helped that our driver got hopelessly lost, and we ended up going several hours out of our way. But happily, we ended up at this stretch of the Great Wall that was not on the typical tourist path.

Putting up Walls

Walking up the steep steps gave me a view of the entire countryside, but scaling a partner’s emotional wall isn’t that easy. I reflected on why we put up walls and how these walls get maintained over the years. Walls are built for protection—to keep others out—and to keep control. In marriage, partners who have trouble with emotional self-regulation get overwhelmed emotionally, but also physiologically, even if they’re unaware of the raised heart rate and adrenaline that are making them feel literally attacked.  That’s why they put up walls.

Learning to Self-Soothe During Difficult Conversations

Emotionally checking out of the conversation creates the illusion of safety. Ignoring the difficult discussion, looking or turning away, or even leaving the room, puts the overwhelmed person back in control, but doesn’t solve anything. Learning to be aware of uncomfortable feelings, then how to self-soothe and maintain composure, helps partners stay in a heated conversation and also to listen and respond. That way, the discussion can move ahead without getting gridlocked.

A good technique for self-soothing to manage anxiety is Mindfulness-Based Relaxation Training, something I often recommend to clients who want to stop stonewalling. Learning this form of meditation is very useful in helping stay in control, calmly, without having to create a distancing wall—even when discussing the most upsetting topics. 

 

 

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Susan O'Grady
Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Susan O'Grady
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Filed Under: Couples & Marriage & Family, Dr. Susan O'Grady's Blog, Relationships Tagged With: Couples Communication, Dealing with Conflict in Marriage

About Susan O'Grady

Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.

 

In our blog posts, we draw from our clients’ stories in order to illustrate some of the common themes that come up in couples counseling and psychotherapy. The examples given here are composites, and we have invented all the names and identifying information. Any resulting resemblance to people is entirely coincidental and unintentional. We are licensed clinical psychologists practicing in the San Francisco Bay Area. Our posts do not reflect professional advice. Interaction with us via the blog does not constitute a professional therapeutic relationship. for professional and individualized advice, you should seek the services of a counselor who can work with you in psychotherapy. We do not assume liability for damage or injury resulting from your decision to interact with our website.​

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Susan O'Grady
Susan O'Grady
Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Susan O'Grady
Latest posts by Susan O'Grady (see all)
  • Teletherapy–One Year Later - April 26, 2021
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Dr. Susan J. O’Grady has practiced psychotherapy,
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
Susan O'Grady
Latest posts by Susan O'Grady (see all)
  • Teletherapy–One Year Later - April 26, 2021
  • Passion and Sex in Long-Term Relationships - January 1, 2021
  • (home video area 2 – mindfulness) - December 1, 2020

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