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February 7, 2017 By Susan O'Grady 4 Comments

Working with Emotions: How mindfulness and awareness help

hiding from emotions is never a good strategy
Hiding from emotions is never a good strategy

Bringing the hidden to light is an important part of psychotherapy, sometimes achieved through focus on intellectual reflections. But in recent years, mindfulness-based therapies emphasize awareness of how feelings and physical sensations are related. It is enlightening to notice what happens in the body when we feel strong emotions.

As an example of how lack of mindfulness can hurt, I would sometimes react with anger at my husband when he disagreed or corrected me. But rather than seeing my point of view, he only experienced my anger as defensiveness, while I experienced him as overbearing. The result was that I felt worse.

This pattern continued until I learned to slow down my automatic reaction of anger, by becoming aware of the physical sensations that accompanied my feelings. This allowed me to become aware of the small, fleeting, and easily overlooked span of time between my internal commentary about his comment and my emotional reaction.

What was surprisingly helpful in doing this was to become aware of physical sensations; in mindfulness practices, we call this “mindfulness of the body.” Sleuthing out my emotions when corrected by my husband, I could actually feel my hackles go up. It was subtle but unmistakable.

Sensing our Hackles Before a Fight

When a dog’s hackles go up, the hair between their shoulder blades becomes erect as an automatic reaction to feeling threatened. As Adrienne Janet Farricell, a certified dog trainer explains, special muscles attached to hair follicles “are innervated by the sympathetic branch of the autonomic nervous system and are therefore not under conscious control. The function allows the dog to appear larger, taller and therefore more intimidating than it is. This is a ‘fight or flight’ response triggered by adrenaline.”

Paying attention to my physical response after my husband criticized me, I began to sense that distinct feeling of my hackles going up. But what surprised me even more was what followed:  I felt myself contract, my shoulders dropping and my chest becoming slightly concave. I submitted instead of fighting, just as a dog lies submissively on the ground. In the animal world, cowering is a useful and self-protective signaling “I am not a threat to you, so you don’t need to attack me.“ But when we humans do that, we lose some of our power.

Paying attention to this small and subtle sequence of physical sensation help us notice the physical reactions that often precede the ultimate expression of strong emotion. Without being aware of how we succumb to our initial reactions we are unable to address the problem that’s making us react.

Making the automatic conscious is liberating on many levels. First, we gain some control over our automatic responses—something dogs cannot easily do. Second, greater physical and emotional awareness lets us link direct relationship to felt experiences. Being able to name an experience or find an image for it, as I did with the hackles example, opens our understanding, bringing meaning to what on the surface looks like plain old anger.

It is important to know that an angry outburst is not always a bad thing. Anger is a reaction that often stands in for other feelings that are less available to us. Let’s imagine a typical couple’s situation of the sort I see in my practice.  When Jill got angry at Sam, she didn’t always stop to feel what that anger signified. Their arguments escalated as they each get more flooded with emotions. But when Jill reflected on her anger, her felt-sense was of being small, childlike, and without a voice of her own. Childlike? Sure enough, just as she’d felt in her family growing up with three older brothers, she experienced Sam as being dismissive of her opinions and dominating her in a situation where she was powerless.

Sam, meanwhile, had no idea she was feeling this way, because all he saw was her childish, to him, outburst. He tagged Jill as being easily out of control, making him feel all the more self-righteous toward her, which further reinforced Jill—and Sam–feeling like Jill was the problem in the relationship. Sam was off the hook, and did not have to look at his role.

Pausing Before Reacting

As this example shows, our reactions and feelings may mean more than we consciously know. In some traditions such as Tibetan Buddhism, mindfulness translates as “to remember.” This process of witnessing our emotions and our physical sensations requires remembering to push the pause button before our automatic reactions take hold. In a disagreement between couples, this may mean agreeing to a time-out, or the pause may be as subtle as one breath—a period between two sentences. Pausing gives us the space to be aware without becoming stuck in automatic reactions, attacking back, or inwardly growing smaller and losing the essence of our feelings, which are usually quite valid.

This pause also gives us time to consolidate our understanding of our self. Jill recognized an old memory: that of being discounted, unheard, or dismissed. She also understood that when anger dominates, the more important issues get lost.

Being Alert to Underlying Emotions

Of course, staying calm while having hard conversations can be challenging. It helps to recognize the early and subtle signs that you are becoming flooded. Once flooded, meaningful conversations come to a grinding halt or turn into a yelling match. Be alert for automatic reactions. Remembering to pause before automatically reacting allows us to tune into the deeper, less conscious feeling: what emotions and what physical sensations are triggered?

At this point, we have a choice. We can either use our awareness to ask directly for a bit of time to get back in emotional balance before continuing. Or, we can use the pause to go deeper into what may be coming up from within. This doesn’t have to be a lengthy process; with practice, that pause can take mere seconds for insight to come.

And in that pause, when we bring awareness to physical sensations like raised hackles or a churning gut, we can use these as signals to look more deeply into our role in what is getting triggered. Too often our automatic response is to assume fault lies outside us, not within. As Cassius says, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”

While taking responsibility for what is arising in us, we also need to be aware of its impact on others. When we do this, hackles go down and the back and shoulders lengthen, bringing real power, liberating the Self to be more fully alive and present. Our defense mechanism was only masquerading as power, and that briefly.

What is Your Role?

Taking responsibility does not result in guilty self-recrimination but liberation and power. Once we take ownership of our contribution to conflict, we can more readily bring insight and thus control over our automatic reactions. It may reveal qualities within us that are active and useful in opening us up to be freer, more whole in ways we‘ve barely glimpsed.

Being aware of our default defense mechanisms can help us deal more effectively with difficulty. While many defenses help us cope—psychologists call this defense in service of the ego—they can backfire and hurt us. Because defenses are unconscious, it’s difficult to be aware when they emerge. The best clue that our defenses are lurking is when we react with strong emotions or behaviors, such as rage or sharp criticism.

Some of the most common defenses are projection and denial. They are related in that both mechanisms protect a person’s sense of self by attributing to another (projection) or rejecting (denial) their own unacceptable impulses or feelings, which are made unconscious. Let’s see how that worked with Amie and Jon, who were locked in a cycle of blame when they came to counseling. Amie saw Jon as extremely self-centered, and Jon felt Amie was too emotional, always criticizing him and trying to control him; meanwhile, each felt innocent of playing a role in this cycle.

With therapy, both Jon and Amie could see how they projected unacknowledged parts of themselves onto the other. Amie never gave herself permission to ask for time to be with her friends or to play. She then criticized Jon for taking time for himself instead of spending time with the family. Further examination revealed that Amie’s mother was a martyr and never let anyone in the family forget it. Amie grew up feeling that taking time for herself was selfish. She denied feelings of wanting to take time for herself and projected her anxiety about selfishness onto Jon. Meanwhile, Jon disowned his own anger by projecting it all onto Amie.

This dynamic created misunderstanding and distance. Once both Amie and Jon saw their role, they not only reduced conflict but had more access to dormant passions. Replacing anger with understanding brought new ways of relating. Sex reentered the marriage, along with play and a deeper acceptance of each other.

When your hackles go up–whenever you have a strong emotional reaction–you have an opportunity to learn something new. By pausing and paying close attention to your bodily sensations and your thoughts, you can discover something unexpected, something that ultimately empowers you.

Filed Under: Couples & Marriage & Family, Depression & Anxiety, Dr. Susan O'Grady's Blog, Mindfulness & Meditation, Psychotherapy, Relationships, Stress, Uncategorized, Well-being & Growth Tagged With: Conflict in Marriage, Couples, Couples Communication, Dealing with Conflict in Marriage, Flooding, Mindfulness, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction

August 16, 2016 By Susan O'Grady Leave a Comment

Expressing Fondness and Admiration for a Strong Foundation

Sound relationship House w copyright-1Healthy relationships are built on a strong foundation. In Northern California, where I live, houses are constructed on a solid footing to protect them in an earthquake. If a home is built on soft soil without proper engineering, strong seismic waves will cause a lot of damage. One way that a building is secured is by using lead-rubber bearings, which contain a solid lead core wrapped in alternating layers of rubber and steel. This combination of material is both strong and flexible, reducing damage.

Similarly, a relationship that has a strong but flexible foundation will withstand the slipping and sliding that accompany big life events, such as an illness, job loss, affair, or the birth of a first child. We need a core of strong support, but we also need elasticity for our relationships to flourish.

When a relationship is new, we tap into a powerful current of affection and attraction that makes it natural and easy to express appreciation for the other’s positive attributes. Meanwhile, we’re less attuned to the negative—but undesirable traits will be revealed in due time. What then?

The more we feel appreciated and respected by our partners, the happier our relationships are. I often tell clients who come to me for couples’ therapy that “It doesn’t count if it doesn’t come out of your mouth.“ In other words, you may think your partner is beautiful, or funny, or brilliant—but if you don’t say so, your partner doesn’t know.

The Magic Ratio: Five positive interactions to one negative

 

As with any skill, it takes continued practice to nurture a relationship past its first blush. The research of Dr. John Gottman shows us that we can create a strong foundation by keeping a balance of five positive interactions to one negative.

More-damaging negative interactions are weighted more heavily than others. Whining, for example, is a negative of one point, while disgust is rated at negative 3, and contempt at minus 4 points. Contempt is the worst because it conveys a huge disrespect for your partner as a person. It’s hard to recover positive feelings when contempt is prevalent in the relationship. As with all negativity, the antidote to contempt is genuine fondness and respect.

So how do you cultivate more-positive interactions when life can be so challenging, our partners sometimes so annoying, and irritation comes easier than appreciation? That’s where the flexible stability comes in. For example, when Ken and Josie came to therapy, they had developed the habit of harping at each other for little things. Josie would come home after a long day and see that Ken had left his stuff all over the living room. She’d gripe, and in response, he’d grouse at her for something she did or didn’t do. These negative interactions became so habitual that Ken and Josie were almost unaware of the pattern. But they were very aware of their unhappiness in the marriage.

In therapy, we focused on learning to express fondness and appreciation—not as rote words of thanks or praise, but from practicing mindfulness, attention, and remembering. In mindful relationships, we stop running from task to task on autopilot. Instead, we slow down enough to scan our environments and pay attention to what’s good about our partners, rather than fine-tuning our list of grievances.

Here’s an example from child-raising. We’re attuned to catching children in bad behavior, but it’s actually very important to catch them doing something right.

When my daughter was in middle school, she’d come downstairs as I was reading at the kitchen table. Often, I’d automatically ask her to empty the dishwasher or some other household task. One day when she came into the kitchen she said, “Mom, if every time you see me here you ask me to do something, I’m going to quit coming into the room!”

I let out a hearty laugh. In that instant, I saw myself through her eyes and realized the power of Pavlov’s classic description of conditioned responses. If I didn’t want to condition my daughter to stay out of the kitchen, I’d have to change my ways.

Similarly, in long-term relationships, try to catch your partner’s good deeds instead of simply noticing the irritations. In the case of Ken and Josie, they were able to recall the qualities that attracted them to each other and made a point of expressing their positive feelings regularly. By expressing more appreciation they noticed they were complaining less.

It feels good both to give and to receive heartfelt compliments. But they don’t have to be huge—even just a simple thank-you for doing the laundry counts. In fact, noticing and acknowledging those daily, routine things our partners do goes a long way to shoring up the foundation of our relationship house. Although it may feel awkward at first, positive interactions become automatic with attention and practice.

What are positive things you can do?

 

Find good things about your partner. This rewards what they’re doing right, and daily practice becomes ingrained in the brain and will therefore likely continue and reinforces continued positive interaction. It’s almost magic.

Express appreciation. For example, say thank you for stopping at the market or for taking out the trash. Even if these tasks arise from a couple’s division of labor, it’s still important to acknowledge them.

Pay attention. For example, listen to the way your partner tells a story about his/her day and respond with sincere interest, Don’t rush to change the subject to your own day or allow yourself to become distracted by phones, TV, or other attention snags.

Express affection. Physical affection tends to diminish as a relationship matures, but it doesn’t have to. We know that happy couples give and receive lots of affection through gestures like holding hands, stroking an arm or cheek, winking, and even just smiling. While these may seem obvious and simple actions, they’re often absent among couples who come to therapy—not a good sign. Getting back to affection requires letting go a bit, being relaxed, and trusting that your partner will be responsive and not pull back.

Filed Under: Couples & Marriage & Family, Dr. Susan O'Grady's Blog, Relationships Tagged With: Conflict in Marriage, Couples, Couples Communication, Gottman Couples Counseling, Love, Sound Relationship House, The Magic Ratio in relationships

February 9, 2016 By Susan O'Grady 6 Comments

Remaking Love: When did you stop dancing?

Amor-Psyche-Canova-JBU04
Amor and Psyche

Taking Down the Walls to Intimacy

Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. Ursula K. Le Guin, The Lathe of Heaven

Sometime during the first episode of BBC’s Pride and Prejudice, I fell in love with Mr. Darcy. So much so that my husband began to suffer in comparison. And why not? Darcy is handsome, rich, and unobtainable, not to mention the British accent and dark brooding eyes. But it was his radical transformation from an arrogant snob to a thoughtful, considerate gentleman who fiercely protects his beloved his sister that sealed the deal. I was smitten.

It’s easy to idealize the other when we fall in love, and it can feel like now, everything will be perfect. In The Symposium, Socrates explains that “Zeus resolved to cut [people] in half to humble them. He declared that they shall walk upright on two legs, but each forever desiring his other half. . . . Each of us when separated is always looking for his other half.” This metaphor describes the compelling nature of romance, where we see—and fall in love with—unacknowledged or unconscious parts of ourselves in another. By reflecting back to us our ideal selves (generous, sensual, strong) lovers seem to complete us. We all contain seeds of our potential selves within, but it’s hard to develop them fully on our own, without that loving reflection.

People spend lifetimes searching for this lost self, even if the longing is barely conscious.

When relationships are new, we’re intoxicated by the experience of being admired and desired. It’s enlivening, surprising, and immensely gratifying when another person helps you discover unexpected or forgotten qualities: confidence, spontaneity, sexiness, fun.

But should you expect the same thrill if you’ve been married for 10, 20, or 30 years? As George Bernard Shaw wrote in the play Getting Married, “When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.”

Romances convey a warped view of love because they show only the highlights, from the infatuation to the happy ending. We’re not seeing the in-between—the reality of loss, hurt, and work. As Le Guin writes, love has to be made and remade all the time. The happy ending is only the beginning. No matter how romantic or meant-to-be a relationship seems, couples must endure lots of challenges to stay together in a maturing relationship.

Being someone’s other half—being responsible for them to feel complete—is a lot for a relationship to hold. We find a person who makes a good screen for our projections and feel profound connectedness, hope, enlivened energy, and a feeling of coming home. But these projections are based on ideals, not reality. Real people who are living together on a daily basis are bound to disappoint the fantasy’s huge expectations.  The loss can feel catastrophic if you’re not emotionally pretty healthy. But at the same time, a good marriage is a path to wholeness if we respond well. When we withdraw our projections, and stop seeking unrealistic fantasy partners, we begin to see ourselves.

Recapturing the initial breathless excitement of romance is a fantasy too. It’s a little bit sad—but a long-term relationship does not have to be stale. Like bread, relationships will rise and fall, but by working at it, we will continue to nurture ourselves as individuals and as a couple. Committed relationships may not offer intoxication, but they do provide deeper satisfactions. But we have to take those opportunities when they arise.

I recall the poignancy with which a 50-year-old client—recently separated from her husband—told me that she regretted not continuing dance lessons when her husband asked. At the time she quit dancing, she felt old, unattractive, and preoccupied with things that seemed in hindsight, unimportant. She longed to go back in time and rekindle the fun and creativity she had ignored for too long.

The Importance of Vulnerability

In any long-term marriage, successful interactions over time build a sense of trust and allow for safety and dependency. Just as infants mold their bodies to their mothers, couples surrender to each other’s embrace, allowing them to be vulnerable, supported, and cared for. With many repeated experiences, these habits of trust and intimacy become ingrained.

But in committed relationships, we must acknowledge the reality of imperfection. Some interactions fail—the longed-for empathy and understanding is absent, and we get hurt. Failed interactions that get repeated become habitual. These failures of attachment can take all sorts of shapes: repeated criticisms, loss of sexual intimacy, years of feeling blamed or judged, or difficulty working with conflict. And over time, defenses are erected to protect our soft parts. We become distant, angry, and disengaged. When couples eventually seek therapy, the wall separating them is usually very high and very strong.

There is often a moment in therapy when couples realize, if only barely, that they want to save their relationship. They can acknowledge what they bring to the table and how each has a role to play in constructing their particular wall. In that moment of vulnerability, they ask, ”How do we take down a wall that has been standing for so many years?”

A wrecking ball is not the answer. And it can’t be solved by some simplistic listicle of “10 things to build back intimacy.” It has to be done brick by brick. Almost all of us are naturally oriented toward growth, with healthy needs and desires, but it’s hard to see our own defenses. After years of reinforcing rigidity, it takes an empathic and skilled therapist to help foster a new sense of agency and reprocess experiences to make new meanings. Success lies in compartmentalizing those aspects of the relationship that involve empathic failures while savoring and tending those habits of intimacy that allow for deep experiences of trust and safety.

Knowing the Ruts that Comfort and Confine

Thinking of a relationship in terms of intimacy rather than passionate romance can be helpful. Knowing a partner thoroughly and being known ourselves can be deeply joyful.

When we lower walls that were raised over years of earning a living and raising a family, we gain receptivity to surprise. We become more engaged in living in a way that allows for discovery and growth and brings excitement back into our relationship. We don’t blame our partner for our boredom. We open up to their creativity as well as our own. Relying on our partner to be the source of our excitement when we are unable to generate our own is unfair.

While some of the realities of long-term relationships are painful to face, giving up the fantasy of having something better with a new person is fiction. In contrast, knowing that you can capture and remake some of what drew you together, and hold onto your shared history (good or difficult) will bring depth and intimacy. Facing problems and challenges honestly, realistically, and together, even if there is no immediate or easy fix, is more sustaining than fantasy, just as bread is more sustaining—and to grownups, tastes better—than cotton candy.

 

Filed Under: Affairs, Couples & Marriage & Family, Dr. Susan O'Grady's Blog, Infidelity, Relationships, Sex and Intimacy, Well-being & Growth Tagged With: Conflict in Marriage, Couples Communication, Intimacy, Love, Relationships, Romance

July 8, 2015 By Susan O'Grady 5 Comments

Division of labor in relationships: How to make it work

Division of labor in relationships -- learning to talk about without conflict.
Artwork by Peter Berkowitz

Conflict is inevitable in marriage, and how to divvy up chores is one of the most common conflicts. Virtually every couple I have seen for counseling over the last twenty years has argued about the division of labor in their marriage. As the mental scorecard of who does what grow longer with each year, the couple’s friendship and good feeling is eroded.

First, a few words about conflict in general. We know that not all conflict can be resolved. That’s to be expected; learning to tolerate conflict is something all people who live or work together must do. Some issues will come up many times over the course of a long-term relationship, but this is not a sign of failure . Think of managing conflict rather than resolving it. Framing disagreement this way gives you the opportunity to talk over issues and work toward compromise. Remember, couples that never fight are not necessarily happier. Anger that’s papered over, denied, or unexpressed doesn’t disappear; it tends to compound over time.

In fact, anger and conflict can strengthen relationships when you express your needs in ways that will be heard (as opposed to harping, nagging, constant complaining, criticism, and negativity).

For example, don’t go into a conflict discussion with guns blazing. A softened startup helps set a friendly context that will determine the way the whole thing goes. Being able to follow basic rules of good-faith engagement will lead to deeper understanding and more productive discussions. Of course, screaming, threats, sarcasm, name calling, and criticism are never okay.

Common areas of conflict around division of labor

Disagreements can arise in several ways. Couples can have very different ideas about what “clean” means, for example. The stereotype is the slob who claims not to see the dirt paired with a hygiene-obsessed neat freak. While it’s easy to understand the role of laziness in conflict, over-vigilance can also be problematic. An over-controlling gatekeeper may set onerous rules and methods for exactly how housework gets done, what kids can eat, how much screen time they can have, and so on.

Women tend more toward gatekeeping—of course, this is a generalization, and roles are fluid and changing today. But in the case of a conflict around a gatekeeping mother, a deeper understanding of the pattern might include appreciating how women often feel heavy cultural pressure to run perfect households. Stay-at-home mothers, especially, may feel that their power in the husband-wife relationship lies in setting domestic rules. But like everyone, such mothers need a break with housework and kids sometimes—and that means letting their partners do things their own ways, within reason (children aren’t neglected and chores get done).

If one partner makes up all the rules, the other will feel resentful. If there are significant differences in how things are done, find ways to communicate about them and find solutions both can agree on. Stepping up on the one hand, and accepting good-enough help on the other, can go a long way toward resolving this conflict.

Another common but not always acknowledged conflict is, for couples with children, agreeing on what counts as time with the kids. Mothers typically consider activities such as shuffling kids to activities, packing lunches, or coordinating after-school activities as parental involvement. But dad may think that throwing around a ball or playing a video game together counts equally well. Fun is important, but no one parent should have to shoulder all the mundane activities.

Dividing household jobs

As hinted above, gender plays a role in labor division, even if not deliberately. Often, gender roles established by the couple’s parents become the template of how household and parenting jobs are divided. Some couples will consciously avoid doing things the way their parents did. But certain jobs are still likely to get divided along gender lines—men take out the garbage, pick up dead animals, do the yard work, and plunge the toilet, for example.

Even when both partners have jobs, women do considerably more housework. Data from the National Survey of Families and Households conducted by the University of Wisconsin shows that women who don’t work outside the home spend about 38 hours a week on housework compared to 12 hours for their husbands. Working women continue to do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, around 28 hours a week, while husbands of working women contribute about 16 hours a week on chores.

Assessing labor division is further complicated when some work is invisible. Certain time-consuming jobs routinely fall to women but don’t count as “housework,” such as planning the social calendar, play dates, childcare, and birthday parties, including buying birthday gifts and supervising thank-you note writing. This work matters: teaching good manners and assuring that children don’t get left out of the ever-shifting social hierarchy of childhood is important to their development and happiness.

When this issue comes up in counseling, men will routinely tell their partners not to worry so much, but unfortunately this does just the opposite of reducing conflict. It feels and is dismissive.

Even couples that have full time childcare don’t escape the division of labor struggles. Surprising to couples who do not have live-in childcare, even managing the nanny has to go on the list of who does what. No one turns over the care to their children without giving sufficient time to forming a good working relationship with the person charged with caring for them.

When you think about who does what, pay attention to the little things, such as taking out the garage, cleaning up the dog poop, getting oil for the car, taking clothes to the dry cleaners—they may seem like minor errands, but they add up.

The list of common household jobs below shows many things that go into running a home and managing a family. Use it to discuss who does what in your relationship. Next to each activity, put the initials of the partner who does that job. Then go through the list again and see if there are chores you’d like to restructure.

Remember that things don’t have to be balance out 50/50, so long as you each agree on how to structure the tasks that need doing. If there are things that no one wants to do, consider taking turns or finding other ways to make up the difference. It’s also worthwhile to consider which chores are occasional or seasonal and which are weekly or daily tasks.

 Who does what in the relationship?

General household tasks

  •  Going to the cleaners
  • Washing windows
  • Planning the food menu
  • Grocery shopping
  • Cooking dinner
  • Setting the table
  • Cleaning up after dinner
  • Cleaning the kitchen
  • Cleaning the bathrooms
  • Putting out clean towels
  • General tidying up
  • Getting the car serviced
  • Putting gas in the car
  • Sorting incoming mail
  • Paying the bills
  • Managing investments
  • Balancing the accounts
  • Keeping social calendar
  • Returning phone calls or e-mail
  • Taking out garbage and trash
  • Recycling
  • Washing clothes
  • Folding the laundry
  • Ironing
  • Putting the clean clothes away
  • Vacuuming
  • Washing floors
  • Replacing light bulbs
  • Repairing appliances
  • Making the beds
  • Cleaning the refrigerator
  • Shopping for clothing
  • Planning travel
  • Making home repair
  • Remodeling
  • Buying furniture
  • Redecorating the home
  • Buying items for the home
  • Buying new appliances
  • De-cluttering
  • Organizing kitchen cabinets and drawers
  • Doing yard work and lawn maintenance
  • Banking
  • Caring for house plants
  • Straightening and rearranging closets
  • Getting house ready for guests or a party
  • Buying gifts for family members and housewarmings, etc.
  • Keeping in touch with family
  • Preparing for holidays
  • Planning vacations and getaways
  • Arranging couple dates

Childcare tasks

  • Coordinating kid’s activities
  • Taking children to school
  • Picking children up from school
  • Doing or arranging childcare after school
  • Preparing child meals and lunches
  • Spending time with kids
  • Planning family outings with kids
  • Taking children to medical, dental, and similar appointments
  • Supervising homework
  • Supervising child baths
  • Meting out child discipline
  • Supervising bedtime with kids
  • Dealing with a sick child
  • Handling child crises
  • Dealing with a child’s emotions
  • Attending teacher conferences
  • Communications with the schools
  • Attending special kid events
  • Arranging kid birthday and other parties
  • Arranging kid lessons
  • Arranging kid play dates
  • Shopping for kids’ stuff

Filed Under: Couples & Marriage & Family, Dr. Susan O'Grady's Blog, Relationships Tagged With: Conflict in Marriage, Couples Communication, Family, Parenting

May 20, 2015 By Susan O'Grady 6 Comments

Marriage and Parenting: Balancing everyone’s needs

Work-life Balance —  Making Time for Yourself

When I was born, my father’s colleagues congratulated him with the cartoon below.

Being a parent requires balancing personal needs with family and couple needs.

The proud new dad is wearing a halo and peering up at a trophy of me, his firstborn, hands on my hips. Behind him is a trash can filled with his favorite toys: skis, golf clubs, bowling ball. As this cartoon acknowledges, we all understand that when kids enter the marriage, parents have more work and less free time for previously enjoyed activities. When I ask couples during their initial therapy sessions about what they do for fun, they often look at each other, shrug, and say something like “Well, we sometimes watch TV together after the kids are in bed.”

One of the hardest things about having kids is the loss of identity. Parents often feel that they have to give up their recreational pursuits because children demand all their time. But is this necessary? In fact, parents today spend much more time with their kids than they did in previous generations. Fathers spend twice as much time in child-oriented activities than they did in 1965, and mothers spend an average of 20 percent more time with their kids. Where does this extra time come from, and what is sacrificed?

Generally, when both parents work outside the home, that extra time has come from mothers dropping some housework chores since 1965, and dads picking some up. But most of the additional child-oriented time has come at the expense of time spent with partner, friends, and on personal interests.

 

 The Venn Diagram of Marriage

 

Making time for yourself in marriage as well as time for your partner, and your children is important .Think of your relationship as a Venn diagram composed of two circles, one for each partner. The circles overlap for couple time—date night, activities together, time alone together. If you have children, add a third circle for kid-oriented or family time. Depending on the ages of your children, that circle will be larger at some times than others, but the important thing is to have your own circle, large enough to have time for individual pursuits not involving your partner or the kids.

This was what my dad threw away. He trashed all those fun activities to support his family. For him, as for so many men of his generation, ”support” did not mean participating in child-oriented time; it meant working. In my parents’ conventional marriage, he was the wage earner and provider: so much so that by the time his cancer was diagnosed, he had accrued three years of sick time. Which was just the exact amount of time he used before he died.

Don’t make that mistake. Give yourself permission to pursue your passions (within reason; maybe not 18 holes of golf every weekend, as this will surely cause conflict in the marriage) and reclaim the things you loved doing before kids or find new interests that nourish you.

What we know for sure:

  1. Don’t give up friendships. Friends are good for marriage because marriage doesn’t have to meet our every need. Friends also spread the load of stress so the marriage doesn’t have to bear it all.
  2. Express your needs for support and negotiate compromises. Fairness in distributing chores and caregiving tasks will reduce stress in your relationship. Read my post about the division of labor in marriage.
  3. Make time for fun together. Having enough fun strengthens your relationship and protects it during hard times. A good rule of thumb is to schedule two dates a week, where you get a sitter, a friend, relative, or neighbor to watch the kids and you go out for coffee, a walk, or dinner. Try to make it new and invent different activities to do together. In Gottman’s work, this would be called turning toward each other.
  4. Make time for yourself. Taking time for self-care is as important as caring for your family. Self-care includes a wide range of activities: taking a yoga class, doing formal meditation, exercising, skiing, painting, or gardening, (and bowling, golf, scouting.)

Filed Under: Couples & Marriage & Family, Dr. Susan O'Grady's Blog, Relationships, Sex and Intimacy, Stress, Uncategorized, Well-being & Growth Tagged With: Conflict in Marriage, Couples, Family, Parenting

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Dr. Susan J. O’Grady is a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist

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