O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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How Couples Counseling Can Guide a Divorce That’s Better for the Kids

Staying Together for the Kids: Why This Isn’t a Good Idea

In my work as a counselor, I approach every couple with the intention of helping them heal what isn’t working in their marriages. I know that even the most challenging issues are often repairable. But occasionally, it is in everyone’s best interest to separate.

Parents considering divorce often find the very idea of being without their kids part of each week is unthinkable. The reason so many people stay in unhappy marriages is to avoid losing their children and to spare the kids the pain of not having both parents always present.

Research by Dr. John Gottman has shown that couples wait an average of seven years after becoming aware of problems in their marriage to seek counseling. This period of time can be subtly or obviously harmful to your child’s mental health. During those years when your relationship is not working, your kids are being affected—despite your best intentions to protect them.

While statistics often cite the harm divorce causes children, many studies fail to factor in the harm caused by a bad relationship. When your marriage has deteriorated into loss of intimacy (loving gestures, emotional closeness) this may be internalized by children and can affect their ability to love and be loved in their adult relationships. Likewise, when parents are obviously hostile and negative toward each other, kids may show signs of distress such as anxiety or depression with symptoms of guilt, worry, and low self-esteem.

When is it time to leave an unhappy marriage? Some reasons to leave an unhappy relationship are obvious: verbal, physical, or sexual abuse; ongoing substance abuse; broken trust through unaddressed lying and cheating; and a myriad of other extreme reasons. But sometimes the reasons are less obvious: sexual desire discrepancy, loss of respect and love, and unresolvable communication problems.

Divorce and Good Communication

Children are harmed when they are used as pawns by hostile parents: for revenge, for example, or to increase support payments. If the primary wage-earner in the family is resentful of having to pay spousal support, and seeks to reduce payments by asking for more physical custody of the children, when it is not in their best interests –this battle once activated drains emotional and financial resources—creating tension for everyone.

Kids pick up the negativity, so how you show your respect and love for their parent is important. If you are showing verbal or non-verbal signs of irritation and disrespect when talking about or to your ex, you child will be harmed. Then there are more blatant reasons, such as use of child pornography, repeated DUIs, and other criminal behaviors.

Sure You’re Getting Divorced? Couples Counseling Can Still Help

Couples counseling can be useful in learning what went wrong, not to assign blame or fix resentments, but from a perspective of taking appropriate responsibility. Doing a post-mortem of your marriage serves several important functions.

1. It helps you help your children to cope with the changes brought about by divorce. When children of divorce see their parents bickering about money, possessions, or time with the kids, they feel bad. It’s common for kids to feel guilty or responsible for the breakup. Being able to talk with your partner, calmly and respectfully, models good communication. Children pick up behaviors from their parents. Little ones are like sponges, picking up not only the crumbs but the bacteria as well.
2. If you leave a marriage without understanding what lead to its demise, you are likely to make the same mistake in your next serious relationship. In the many years I have done couples’ therapy, I have often heard this refrain: “I married someone so much like my previous partner—why didn’t I just stay?” We can’t run away from a bad marriage and assume it will be perfect with someone else. Spending time with your spouse trying to understand the complex dynamic you wove will save you from making similar mistakes in the future. Plus, couples often will decide to stay together once they realize and repair what got them to the point of divorce in the first place.
3. And, lastly, you will be co-parenting for the rest of your life. Learning better communication will help you as you raise your children in separate households. There will be many times you will have to consult each other about issues, school, friends, and problems that come up over the years. You will both need to be present at graduations, weddings, or grandchildren’s birthdays. It is a lot better to be friends working together to provide the best post-divorce environment for your kids possible.

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Sex and Kissing in Relationships

Why is kissing important? We need to feel connected in our intimate relationships and kissing is, or should be, an easy way to build and maintain the shared meaning that keeps us feeling that we are partners, not roommates. In ongoing relationships, kissing can be not just a prelude to sex, but how couples say goodbye in the morning and greet each other when they return home.

Even some animals do something like kissing, in what an evolutionary biologist quoted in a New York Times blog post calls “’an affiliative gesture.” Researchers on human relationships like Dr. John Gottman would include kissing among the “Rituals of Connection, or standard and every-day ways the couple connects and feels bonded to each other. “ Kissing is so intimate that many sex workers refuse to perform it.

  Why Does Kissing Disappear in Long-term Relationships?

Considering how well kissing builds connection, why might kissing disappear in long-term relationships?

One problem might be bad kissing. This can ruin a relationship before it even has a chance to start: I have heard many women complain that their date kissed with a wide-open mouth, teeth clicking together. If a prospective partner has poor oral hygiene, bad breath can spell disaster. Too much slobber or spit isn’t sexy unless lovemaking has become deeply passionate. One woman I worked with complained that her date’s tongue went too far down her throat and made her feel choked—a deal breaker.

 Bad Kissing

But even those in long-term relationships can face problems such as oral hygiene or bad kissing habits. Addressing the subject, whether with a date or spouse, is awkward and uncomfortable, but all is not lost. Kissing can be learned together. Just as in learning what your partner likes in bed, kissing is something that can be made better, with practice and a little humor.

 Non-Sexual Kissing is Important

Another reason couples might stop kissing is when one partner avoids touching their mate because of fear it will set the expectation for sex. Kissing, cuddling, and caressing in nonsexual ways is important; not all touch should lead to sex. If this has become a pattern, it’s crucial to talk about this.

When Jack and Judy came to counseling, they had been having sex once or twice a year. Jack was nearing forty years old and realized that although he loved Judy, he didn’t want a sexless marriage. Judy was focused on their two sons, involved in PTA, volunteering in the classroom, and making a comfortable home for ”her boys.”

Jack stated in therapy that although everything else in their marriage was good, he would not live without sex forever.  As much as the idea of divorce hurt him, he was considering it, if things didn’t get better. He would not go outside the marriage to get sex and masturbation wasn’t a substitute for the physical need to be with Judy.

 Counseling Provides a Safe Place to Talk About Sex

In counseling, although the two had not talked openly about sex for many years, they were able to talk about their feelings without feeling attacked or judged. Judy expressed, for the first time, that she felt repulsed by oral sex due to a young cousin’s history of sexual abuse. Jack was surprised and assured her that he didn’t need that in their lovemaking. Judy was also able to articulate that she felt turned off by some of Jack’s attempts to initiate sex. Grabbing her breasts or slapping her butt while she was cooking dinner turned her off, making her feel like an object. Her body was her body, not his to grab impulsively. Jack was unaware that these behaviors caused her to feel this way.

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Relationships and Vacations

 

A weekend away can bring back romance and intimacy

For many couples, a vacation brings a return to romance. But you can set yourself up for disappointment if your expectations are too high or unrealistic.

 Usually, at some point in couples’ therapy, a weekend away is scheduled to help build romance and passion back into a strained relationship. For many, this is seen as an opportunity to take a break from the day-to-day grind of kids, chores, and work. One partner eagerly anticipates a day of whirlwind sex– —morning sex, afternoon delight, and after after-dinner sex–—that will recreate the relationship’s early months. The other partner looks forward to time to relax with a book or strolls on the beach.

But whatever your plans—and however closely you agree on them—travel entails some stress. Disappointed expectations can overshadow the romance you expect. Rather than saving a marriage, a vacation can break it.

During our first trip to Italy several years ago, I came down with the flu. A runny nose soon progressed to a sore throat and lethargy. By the time we disembarked in Venice and boarded a crowded ferry bound for our hotel, I was miserable and cranky. Venice, with a reputation as one of the world’s most romantic cities, looked to me as crowded and fake as Disneyland. I wondered how I could survive three days.

Pulling our suitcases over the cobbled streets, my snarkiness only increased. Our (tiny) room with a view looked onto a postage-stamp sized courtyard where men were working on a scaffold right outside our window. With saws and hammers pounding, I tried to sleep. We moved to a different hotel the next day.

But as I began to feel better, Venice came alive. The city’s turns and twists, I found, ended in delightful surprises. Canals and bridges no longer looked like Disneyland. Instead, Venice worked its charm on me and my mood changed. During our stay, I read Henry James’s journal about his life in Venice. This description personifies the city, giving it life:

It is by living there from day to day that you feel the fullness of her charm; that you invite her exquisite influence to sink into your spirit. The creature varies like a nervous woman, whom you know only when you know all aspects of her beauty. She has high spirits or low, she is pale or red, grey or pink, cold or warm, fresh or wan, according to the weather and the hour. She is always interesting and almost always sad, but she has a thousand occasional graces and is always liable to happy accidents. You become extraordinarily fond of these things; you count upon them; they make part of your life. Tenderly fond you become; there is something indefinable in those depths of personal acquaintance that gradually establish themselves. The place seems to personify itself, to become human and sentient and conscious of your affection. You desire to embrace it, to caress it, to possess it; and finally, a soft sense of possession grows up and your visit becomes a perpetual love affair. (Italian Hours, Henry James)

Disappointed expectations can overshadow  the romance you expect

Travel requires adaption and flexibility. Knowing that before you embark can prevent disappointment when things go awry.

Whether it be delayed trains or planes, or illness, or other setbacks, it helps to remember that the inevitable challenges inherent in travel will test your relationship even as it provides the opportunity for more intimate contact with your partner. If you haven’t managed conflicts well at home, they tend to resurface when you are together away from those responsibilities.

So, to avoid being disappointed when you finally get that weekend or long-anticipated vacation away, keep in mind the following suggestions:

  1. Discuss expectations. Assuming that your partner will want exactly what you do will set you up for disappointment. Preferences and energy levels differ. Do you want to eat out every meal? Or grab a quick bite at a mini-store several times each day? How much time do you each want for shopping or museums?  One partner might want to go for a run in the morning, while the other might want to sleep in. Talk it through before you go so you can know each other’s preferences. Remember: compromise is the key to harmony.
  2. Respect your differences and give them space. It’s okay to split up and do different things part of the day. Just make sure you agree beforehand on how much time you need for this.
  3. Relax and let yourselves rediscover being together.  Leaving room for fun, adventure, and just chill time allows intimacy to emerge naturally.

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How Anger Hurts Relationships

Getting angry…is easy and everyone can do it; but doing it . . . in the right amount, at the right time, and for the right end, and in the right way is no longer easy, nor can everyone do it. —Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics (II.9, 1109a2

Managing Conflict Rather than Eliminating Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any long-term relationship. In the Gottman approach to couples counseling, we help clients understand that conflict is normal. Rather than eliminating conflict, we help them learn to manage it. Why can’t all conflicts be resolved? Because backgrounds and personalities don’t match exactly. Couples will always have some areas of disagreement: neat/tidy, disorganized/scheduled, emotionally expressive/keeps feelings inside, to name a few. Even two tidy people may disagree on who does more work around the house or, perhaps, what cleaning routine to follow.

By the time couples come to counseling, they have often been having the same argument in different forms for many years. The issue has become gridlocked—and just as drivers stuck in traffic feel angry and frustrated, partners who can’t move beyond an issue start having negative feelings about each other and the relationship.

Learning to Listen Without Anger

Anger is often the result of feeling misunderstood. When one partner feels like they are not being heard on a particular issue, and they likewise have trouble listening to their partner’s point of view, anger simmers, sometimes for years—finally coming to a roaring boil.

Jim and Joan came to counseling because she felt he stopped participating in the family years ago. Meanwhile, Jim felt disenfranchised. His views and opinions on how they were raising the kids were ignored and he felt he was “just a paycheck.” Joan felt he had checked out and was uninterested in her, the kids, or their home. They were both angry; they both felt the other was wrong. When they tried to discuss this problem it always escalated to screaming and yelling, often within earshot of the kids.

When they started couples counseling, they had had this same fight many, many times. Jim would withdraw; Joan would become more focused on her friends and the women in the neighborhood, whom she confided in and got support from. Joan and Jim were emotionally estranged. Not surprisingly, intimacy, both emotional and physical, had come to a grinding halt.

Gridlocked Problems: Begining to Compromise

When I listened to them discussing a variation of this gridlocked problem, I saw that each became angry quickly, and the result was they stopped listening to the other. Joan would lecture and Jim would face the other way, clamming up. People have many ways of expressing anger: he was seething inside quietly, and she was ranting loudly, but both were angry.

I stopped them when this happened and had them take just a few minutes to calm themselves. To go from anger to calm by learning to self-soothe is an important skill in all relationships, but especially in marriage. It can take just a few minutes to do this. This isn’t about swallowing or denying anger; the trick is to then re-engage in the conflict discussion with a more receptive and less defensive tone.

Staying angry is much easier, but “doing it in the right amount, at the right time, and for the right end, and in the right way” (as Aristotle said) produces quite different results when dealing with a perpetual problem. It is okay to be angry. But understanding why you are angry, and learning to express your feelings in a way that is clear and void of the four horsemen will lead to a very different conversation with a different outcome. Once Joan and Jim learned to talk about their conflicts without getting flooded, they listened to each other with deeper respect for the other’s feelings. This is the first step in learning to compromise.

Practicing self-soothing is something you can do at any age, and at just about any time. Listen to this simple three-minute ”breathing space” to feel the difference in your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations when you take just a few minutes out of a difficult situation. For it is not just the repeated, unmanaged fights that damage the relationship, but the skewed and distorted perceptions that keep you stuck in gridlock, stewing, for years—over the same issue.

Try this brief relaxation exercise:  Three Minute Mindfulness

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The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

"The Great Wall"During lectures about marriage, I have used this photo of the Great Wall of China to illustrate Gottman’s fourth horseman of the apocalypse: Stonewalling.

When we were in China a few years ago, we had the good fortune to see this magnificent stone wall when there were no other people around. It helped that our driver got hopelessly lost, and we ended up going several hours out of our way. But happily, we ended up at this stretch of the Great Wall that was not on the typical tourist path.

Putting up Walls

Walking up the steep steps gave me a view of the entire countryside, but scaling a partner’s emotional wall isn’t that easy. I reflected on why we put up walls and how these walls get maintained over the years. Walls are built for protection—to keep others out—and to keep control. In marriage, partners who have trouble with emotional self-regulation get overwhelmed emotionally, but also physiologically, even if they’re unaware of the raised heart rate and adrenaline that are making them feel literally attacked.  That’s why they put up walls.

Learning to Self-Soothe During Difficult Conversations

Emotionally checking out of the conversation creates the illusion of safety. Ignoring the difficult discussion, looking or turning away, or even leaving the room, puts the overwhelmed person back in control, but doesn’t solve anything. Learning to be aware of uncomfortable feelings, then how to self-soothe and maintain composure, helps partners stay in a heated conversation and also to listen and respond. That way, the discussion can move ahead without getting gridlocked.

A good technique for self-soothing to manage anxiety is Mindfulness-Based Relaxation Training, something I often recommend to clients who want to stop stonewalling. Learning this form of meditation is very useful in helping stay in control, calmly, without having to create a distancing wall—even when discussing the most upsetting topics.