O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

By Leave a Comment

10 Things Parents can do to Help Their Kids Engage in School

 

Helping your child in school
Monday can’t come fast enough!

My daughter posted this photo and comment on her Facebook page after purchasing her textbooks for winter term. She is a full-time senior at a university and works part-time at an independent bookstore. Yet she can’t get enough of reading and learning. Her twin is equally passionate about learning. After seeing my daughter’s Facebook post, I reflected on what we did to encourage and support their love of learning.

We survived the homework battles and our daughters are now months away from finishing their undergraduate degrees. It wasn’t always easy. We didn’t have many of the challenges that some families face, like those with ADHD, depression, anxiety, or medical problems, but over the years we found ways to support them in school.

In his February 15 New York Times editorial, David Brooks commented on President Obama’s agenda for getting kids better prepared to start school by providing early educational opportunities before kindergarten. Brooks wrote:

Today millions of American children grow up in homes where they don’t learn the skills they need to succeed in life. Their vocabularies are tiny. They can’t regulate their emotions. When they get to kindergarten they’ve never been read a book, so they don’t know the difference between the front cover and the back cover. . . . This is rude to say, but here’s what this is about: Millions of parents don’t have the means, the skill or, in some cases, the interest in building their children’s future. Early childhood education is about building structures so both parents and children learn practical life skills. It’s about getting kids from disorganized homes into rooms with kids from organized homes so good habits will rub off. It’s about instilling achievement values where they are absent.

The Importance of Reading

These are lofty goals in a world where there is much inequity in income, lifestyle, and education. Raising kids is challenging in the best of circumstances; just getting dinner on the table after work can be exhausting. But even families from affluent homes struggle to find time for family when screen time takes over or heavy work schedules make direct parental attention scarce.
A good story is captivating even to unpracticed readers. A friend of mine volunteers at a juvenile hall a couple of times a week, reading books for incarcerated teens. Many of these kids have never been read to. She tells me that in the five years she has done this, no kid has complained. Many are there for weeks at a time and so they hear bits of the stories and look forward to the reading even without the benefit of continuity of the story.
David Brooks is saying something important: raising kids who possess the necessary skills to find jobs or go to college requires not only affordable educational opportunities but family involvement as well.

What can you do to help your child in school?

1. Read to them every night. Start when they are very young, and continue until they ask to read out loud to you. They will stumble over words, one page taking a long time to finish, but stick with it and try not to show impatience. (In the long run, it’s a lesson in more than just reading.)

2. Talk about what you read. Discuss what the characters might have been feeling or doing.Reflect on the stories together.

3. Continue reading as a family; take turns reading aloud to each other. There are many young-adult (YA) books that are great for adults—look at the worldwide popularity of Harry Potter among readers of all ages. My daughter’s bookshop holds an adult book group that meets monthly just to read YA titles.

4. Download books or borrow the audio CDs from the library and listen to them on car rides and in place of video games, movies, or TV.
5. Make a place for study and homework (this could be just the kitchen table) that is a dedicated quiet area: TVs and smartphones off.

6. Limit and monitor all screen time, including texting, gaming, and Facebook. Screens can consume inordinate amounts of time for all family members, but just as in marriage, turning away from preoccupations and toward your child in little and big ways every day will help them feel loved.

7. Make a family plan about how much is okay and stick to it—adults, too. Some families do well by limiting TV/screen time to one hour a night once all schoolwork is complete, but not too close to bedtime. Save the hour before bed for quiet time—reading or listening to books—or talking about the day together.

8. Keep growing and learning through hobbies, reading, classes, or learning to play music. Follow your own passions and your child will see that learning throughout the lifespan is valued.

9. Never let your kid have a TV in their bedroom. This will surely lead to nighttime TV, inappropriate shows, or staying up late—leading to trouble getting up for school the next day.

10. Eat together several times a week. Having dinner conversations that are not forced or stiff is a skill. Don’t just talk to your kids but to your partner as well.

We weren’t always perfect but we tried to follow these guidelines, and now we are enjoying our daughters as they graduate from college—entering the next chapter in their lives. 

By 1 Comment

The College Transition: Things to Talk About

 College is a rite of passage, a transition into adulthood. It’s a transition for parents, too, who can no longer sleep in the room down the hall with ears half-cocked and one eye open. It’s all the more important, then, for parents to have conversations with their kids about how to deal with the common, normal changes and stresses likely to arise in these early years of living away from home.

As high-school friendships shift and fade, college students must forge new social connections or risk social isolation. Kids who have poor coping and social skills before starting college might seek unhealthy solutions, like partying, playing computer games, or holing up in their dorm rooms with their laptops

If these solutions, healthy or unhealthy, don’t work, college kids often isolate, deny, pretend, and find all sorts of other ways to conceal their loneliness. To be lonely is shameful. Instead, many tend to brood over stressful experiences and feelings, a process called rumination. The lonely, anxious person ruminates on negative thoughts: reliving past injuries, flubs, or missed opportunities; feeling apprehension about social events, and anticipating distressing outcomes.

Anxiety, Rumination, and Depression in College

Rumination and anxiety create a cycle where each promotes and prolongs the other. The effect of this is that a stressful experience (such as, say, being snubbed at a party) does not end when the stressful situation ends, but can continue on in one’s thoughts and moods. So it is not only the exposure to the initial stress but also exposure to the recurring representation of that event in the mind that results in a depressed mood. Over time, this anxious rumination leads to negative self-esteem and depression.

Apart from such dangers, loneliness doesn’t just feel bad; lonely people are at greater risk for poor health. Social support mediates health: It is well known that when someone has close family and friends, they will be encouraged to seek medical attention when needed, and they will take better care of themselves in general.

One simple thing to look at when considering college students, loneliness, anxiety, and stress is the role of sleep. Good sleep is the cornerstone of mental health. Most of the clients I see—college students or otherwise—suffer from some form of sleep disturbance. Difficulties getting to sleep or staying asleep are common in both depression and anxiety. (Oversleeping, too, can be a problem when it’s used to avoid situations that may provoke difficult feelings.)

In the recent issue of Health Psychology, researchers examined the mechanisms that underlie the relationship found between depressed mood and poor sleep quality in college students. They found that found that rumination and anxiety are strongly connected to loneliness and depressed mood as well as poor sleep quality.  The authors conclude that psychotherapists and college counselors need to assess loneliness in kids at school.  It is not enough to look at depression and anxiety.  Parents, teachers, college counselors need to look at sleep quality and social isolation, in addition to symptoms of anxiety and depression.

(Zawadzki, M. J., Graham, J. E., & Gerin, W. (2012, July 23). Rumination and Anxiety Mediate the Effect of Loneliness on Depressed Mood and Sleep Quality in College Students. Health Psychology. )

Of course, the image of a college student pulling an all-nighter, or partying until dawn, is a common one, and it’s true that college-aged kids need less sleep than adults. For vulnerable kids, however, poor sleep can lead to severe psychological problems. And as we’ve seen, college can be a vulnerable experience in itself. Add to this that students trying to solve their sleep problems don’t always choose healthy options. Some college kids I’ve worked with use combinations of stimulants and caffeine to stay awake, and anti-anxiety medications to sleep. This leads to drug dependence, and in vulnerable kids, will cause emotional problems ranging from depression to delusional thinking.

Whether problems are caused by too much social media, partying, or are the result of depression and anxiety, we need to pay attention to how these activities are affecting emotional well-being.  Find time to talk with your college-bound kid about some of these issues.  Enjoy the fun of shopping for dorm room stuff, but don’t neglect the crucial conversations about what to expect during this first year away from home. Some basic topics to discuss could include: how to deal with being lonely, how to contact the college counseling center if they feel anxious or depressed, limiting social media, how to get sleep when distractions inevitably occur, and of course, “call us when you feel down.”

Originally published here.


By Leave a Comment

Educational Engagement : Learning to Learn

Red Brick, Ivy, and Spiderwebs: Learning to Engage

I spent my first two years as an undergraduate at a red-brick ivy-covered college. I remember very little of those two years, but not because I was partying. I was in a different kind of daze, induced by class sizes of up to 200 and studying for tests that required bloodless rote memorization, devoid of joy. The only professor I remember was my biology teacher, Mr. Jenkins. I was enthralled with his course. It was taught in an enormous lecture hall but did not feel big because Mr. Jenkins was so animated, clearly delighted in his subject.  He walked back and forth on stage in front of a screen displaying his photos of spiderwebs, flora, and fauna. Each intricate web was unique, many glistening with dew in early morning light, evening light, and moonlight. The slides were awe-inspiring.

During the first exam for this class, I sat stunned, tears falling down my cheeks, as I realized that I could not answer most of the questions. I had studied, yet I was unable to finish three-fourths of the test. Noticing my distress, Mr. Jenkins gently touched my arm and asked to see me after the exam.  In his office, he asked me how I studied for the test and I told him about flashcards and notes. That was all. Without chastising me for poor study skills, he showed me more of the beautiful photos he had taken with his son, who had died, he told me.  His kindness and his openness about the loss of his son had a big impact on me.  I realized I wanted more connection with my professors.  I wanted my education to include dialogue and engagement with the subject.

Somehow I had made it to college with no idea how to learn. I wasn’t even burdened with attention deficit disorder (ADD) or some similar diagnosis. What I assumed were good study skills were completely off base. It was an awakening.  I did not know how to memorize and assumed that I was incapable of being successful as a student.

Something in me persevered—I think it had to do with those dewy spider webs. Without consulting my parents or friends, and in a time that pre-dated the now ubiquitous larger web, I discovered an experimental college in the woods.

I entered The Evergreen State College because I wanted to learn without the focus on grades. I found a good fit. The class sizes were under 20 and the professors knew our names, and skied with us on Friday nights. They read our journals and interacted with us at all stages of the course.

I discovered I could learn. It developed imperceptibly at first as I read Montaigne and dialogued with him in my journal. I argued with Nietzsche and ranted at Machiavelli. I empathized with Faust and the urge for power and knowledge that led him to sell his soul. I fell in love with Don Quixote and Sancho Panza. Unlike my first two years of college, the last two are a vivid, still-living memory. While I did not return to the study of biology, I discovered a love of liberal arts.  Active engagement with the reading took organization and skill.  These were not simple books but through discussion and writing, they came alive.

How To Do What You Love

Engagement, I found, is the key to learning. Today’s children face enormous pressure to ace standardized tests and get into only the top colleges. If they have ADD/ADHD or other learning disorders, good medications and therapies exist for them. But do they care about learning? Do they love it? Do they know how to structure their time and work with their minds and hearts in the ongoing process that learning requires? In my practice, I have seen the results when kids fail to engage. They become dependent learners. Apathy and boredom are common.

Paul Graham—programmer, venture capitalist, and essayist—writes in   How to Do What You Love” about the intricate dance of finding meaning in what you do and sticking with difficult tasks. Nothing can be achieved without effort. Engagement is not about taking an easy road. We will serve ourselves and our children well by modeling discipline and love of learning. When my girls were little, we would watch spiders make their slow crawl over the lawn, in awe of their perseverance.  Tiny legs, and impossibly large grass obstacles, yet biology won out as they did want they are designed to do.  When our resident mockingbird would call from the chimney, we would run outside to listen to the concert. These simple experiences would later be woven into a story or a dinner discussion.  Bringing mindfulness to everyday life leads to a plethora of opportunities to find fullness in life, and in learning.

By Leave a Comment

Summer Travels and Travails: Tips for Stress-free Vacations

 

Tips for Making Summer Vacations Stress-Proof: or at least stress-resistant

By now, most of us have either taken the long-awaited summer vacation or are in the midst of planning the final details of packing.  Whether you are fantasizing or fretting at this final stage of planning your vacation, there are several things you can do to ease into a trip.  Despite the sub-title, it is highly unlikely that there is such a thing as a stress-free vacation.   But by keeping a few concepts in mind, you can minimize the strain of travel, whether you are traveling alone, or with your partner, and even with the whole family.

Frantic trips to the travel section of the local drugstore for more bottles of hand-purifier or TSA approved packing gear add to the tension that precedes a trip. Last-minute hunts for supplies often attempt to manage travel anxiety.  Travel anxiety is normal.  In a piece about in-flight emergency medicine, the (June 21st) issue of the New York Times revealed the extent of this commonality:  When the captain of an international flight asked passengers if anyone had a pain-reliever for a sick passenger, only two or three hands went up, but when he asked if anyone had anxiety medication, fifty hands shot up.

If your expectations for a much-anticipated trip are too high, you may come home disappointed. Whether you get lost and miss your reservation, or you just get too tired to do everything you hoped, things rarely go exactly according to plan.  However, we can combat anxiety and disappointment by both setting realistic expectations and by allowing for the unexpected.

Accept that when you travel you take yourself with you.  You will get cranky or may develop some form of ailment, as minor as constipation or as major as a broken bone or appendicitis.   Unfamiliar noises and foreign beds disrupt sleep and add to everyone’s irritability.

Accept that being in a new location does not eliminate familial disagreements. Unless you are taking along a nanny, or are planning a trip that includes childcare such as a cruise or a Club-Med vacation, be prepared for family strife and squabbles.  Kids are going to complain of boredom. They will roll their eyes. They will be embarrassed by you.

Don’t expect kids to want to do the same activities you want.  Travel is an opportunity to teach compromise.  Look for child-friendly activities but don’t deny yourself the activities you enjoy.  Take turns in picking activities for each day.  Look for activities that involve the whole family as well.  Our family made a habit of listening to audiobooks on every driving vacation we took.  We let our daughters pick the book and were delighted with their choices.  Listening to books became so absorbing, that often when we arrived at our destination, we would continue listening in the cabin, tent, or hotel room.  It became a shared experience.  When tension became elevated due to hunger, PMS, or general irritability, we could use the characters in the book to express our feelings.  When we were all invested in the plot, a discussion of the book would help us all get over any bad moods.  Over the years, our family has listened to over 100 books.  (If you would like a list of our favorites, please email me.)

One of the advantages of listening to books as a family is that it is shared. Unlike letting each kid have his or her own movie or game, you can talk about the book together. Video games and movies are solitary.   Many families I see will spend a week or two together during their summer vacation, but hardly interact, each immersed in his or her own activity.

Accept that even in the most spectacular location, being together 24/7 is challenging.  Enjoying that beautiful sunset sometimes takes effort when you are angry with your spouse. When my husband and I set off on a trip to Chile, we predicted at least one argument.  When it inevitably occurred, we were able to laugh it off and said, “at least it’s over with now”.  You will not agree on everything.  As I say to couples in therapy, “you will never resolve conflict, but you can manage conflict.”

Accept that being away from home and routine does not automatically improve a couple’s sex life. Couples will often fantasize about the great sex they will have once they are away from the stress of daily life.  This almost always leads to problems—one partner will feel let down, and the other guilty.  Look for opportunities to be intimate emotionally, and let the sex follow from that.

Most of all, accept that travel causes some degree of anxiety.  Anxiety will take a different form for each of us.  Unfortunately, rushing around town for travel supplies when you are down-to-the-wire creates more stress because it crams frenzied shopping into the final days before embarking, leaving little time to relax before your flight or drive.  Think about non-medicinal strategies that help you relax.  Weave those into the week before travel.

Travel is an opportunity to know yourself in new ways.  Allow for surprise.  Remind yourself to be in the moment, to appreciate the world from a new vantage point.

As you cover the ground outwardly, develop fresh interpretations of yourself inwardly.

By Leave a Comment

Strains of Summer on Family Life

 

School is out.  Swim season is in full swing.  From my home, I hear the loud speaker blasting from the community pool.  Cheers erupt at regular intervals. Minivans and SUVs line the streets in the blocks adjacent to the swim club.  Like many parents residing in the suburbs, I enjoyed, sometimes endured, the annual ritual of Swim Team.  My daughters were only briefly interested in the glory of winning.  Mostly, they loved the Cup-of-Noodles and the ice-pops and talking to their friends under cover of gigantic towels.  Engagement in children’s activities is a good thing.  But often parents go too far in the direction of over-involvement.  Psychologists have studied the repercussions of what happens when parents are too attentive to their kids.  We describe this as enmeshment.

Focus on children’s activities often dominates family life in much of our country. We live in a child-centered era.  In the July 2 issue of The New Yorker, the article, ‘Spoiled Rotten’, Elizabeth Kolbert, profiled several families from diverse cultures.  How do parents of different cultures train young people to assume responsibilities?  Ms. Kolbert reports that the Matsigenka children from the Peruvian Amazon spontaneously help with a variety of chores, taking pleasure in their independence and helpfulness.  The Matsigenka culture prizes self-sufficiency and hard work.  They tell stories that reinforce these values.  The characters in their folklore are undone by laziness.

French kids will sit calmly through a three-course meal, while their American counterparts are throwing food before the main course arrives.  UCLA sociologists Carolina Izquierdo and Elinor Ochs assessed children’s participation in household responsibilities in a cohort of Los Angeles children. They found that no child routinely performed household chores without being instructed to.  Even when begged to do a chore, the vast majority still refused.

Here in the US, many well-meaning parents have inadvertently shaped their children to become dependent, manipulative and lazy.  As psychologists, we are often called to help restore harmony and balance to families in which kids rule the roost.

Summertime is often the most trying time for families. Frayed nerves, bored kids, too much time playing video games and watching TV, lead to thankful anticipation of the start of school for both parents and kids.  The comfort of daily routines is a welcome relief after a long, hot summer.

Inevitably, the return to structure and routine brings its own battles over homework and academics, in addition to the social strain of school.  There are ample opportunities for more squabbles and nagging, whining and complaining.  As the New Yorker article points out, parents often take the path of least resistance and do too much for their kids rather than face tantrums and meltdowns.

The fallout of raising over-indulged kids has to lead to a  ‘failure to launch’ for many young adults.  We have added this concept to our training and it is all too familiar in my practice.  Family therapy with adult children is now common.  While the economic troubles of the last three years have undoubtedly contributed to the large numbers of unemployed college graduates, but that is only part of the phenomenon.  As Hara Estroff articulated in Psychology Today, hovering “helicopter parents” are progressing to “jet-powered turbo attack model.” The looming pressures of getting accepted at a good college, SATs, extra-curricular cause yet more parental involvement.  With this degree of pressure, it is common for parents to let kids off the hook for chores and family commitments.

Teaching children to tolerate frustration, empathize with others and to persist in work is essential to raising independent young adults.  As psychologists, we help our clients to establish appropriate expectations for their kids and know when to step in to help and when to leave kids on their own.  In the next month, our clients will be transitioning from summer schedules to back-to-school routines.