O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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The Effect of Having Kids on a Marriage

Marriage is Strained After Having Children

Sweetness
Sugar & Spice

Being a parent is hard. But being a parent is really hard on a marriage. New parents report eight times more arguments than non-parents. Studies show that relationship quality plummets by nearly 70% after the birth of the first child, when couples experience more conflict, less intimacy, and growing disappointment. The demands of parenting mean less time for individual and couple recreational activities such as social time, workouts, and sex, putting more stress on both partners. Arguments over household chores can devolve into tit-for-tat, quid-pro-quo bickering. This hurtful cycle can easily end with a negative perspective about your partner and your marriage.

Adding to all that is the financial toll of having a family. Raising a child is expensive. Based on housing costs, food, education through high school, healthcare, childcare, clothing, and other expenses (such as grooming, technology, and recreational activities—but not, say, birthday parties), the average cost is to raise a child born in 2013 in the United States until the age of 18 is $245,000. (The range is $455,000 for high- income families and $145,500 for low-income rural families. That doesn’t include college expenses: The National Center for Educational Statistics estimates that the annual current price per year of undergraduate tuition, room, and board ranges from $14,300 at public institutions to $37,800 at private nonprofit schools.

Couples report that the best years of their marriage are before they have kids, then as the kids enter their late teens, with satisfaction rising upward when the kids are launched. Marriages have several pivotal points when they are more vulnerable to divorce. The first is about six years into the marriage, and the second is when the kids leave home—reflecting many couples’ desire to stay together for the kids.

Why Stay Together When Things are So Hard?

Couples stay together until the kids are launched for many reasons. Those that often come up in my work with couples are:

  • Fear of failure. Couples don’t want to fail in the eyes of their families and community. ”What would people think?” is a bad reason but a powerful motivator for staying together.
  • The drive to provide a stable family life for children is almost hard-wired. We want our kids to be happy, not go through the trauma of divorce and kids shuffling between two homes. Parents don’t want to live half the week without their kids and divide up holidays. Many parents are children of divorce themselves and don’t want to visit the unhappy times they remember upon their own kids.
  • Divorce is expensive. California, for example, is a community property, no-fault divorce state—so divorce means losing half your equity, half your savings, half your retirement. And in most cases, the wage earner (or higher wage earner) will pay spousal support for years, depending on the length of the marriage and the age of the kids. (California courts do require a spouse in this situation to make efforts to become self-supporting, no matter how long the marriage lasted.)
  • Anticipatory pain. Whether it be fears of sexual jealousy, loss of love, loss of the life unlived—for example, being grandparents together—couples set up disaster scenarios in their minds that serve as glue to keep even unhealthy relationships stuck in place.

With or without divorce, parental unhappiness disturbs children, which is why “keeping together for the sake of the kids” serves neither parents nor children. Luckily, there are several ways to keep your marriage healthy and protect it from divorce after having kids. In my next post, I will describe ways to build and keep your relationship strong after kids.

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Falling in Love Again with Your Partner: Love Maps, Friendship, and Staying Connected

_MG_2038When love is new, we ask questions to get to know our partner well. As Mandy Len Catron wrote for The New York Times in her charming summary of a study 20 years ago by psychologist Arthur Aron, we like learning about the person we love, but over time we forget to keep learning. In Dr. Aron’s study, researchers tried to find out if they could make strangers fall in love with each other by having them ask and answer a series of 36 questions that become more intimate and probing as they went. These questions get deep pretty fast. For people who hardly know each other, this is a low-risk exercise, but for couples once close and now estranged, it’s more challenging. I’ve seen this when I assign  couples the Love Map exercise at the end of our first session. Developed by Dr. Gottman, these 62 questions range from super-easy ones such as “Where was your partner born?” to more difficult ones like “Does your partner have a secret ambition? What is it?” I have clients answer the first two or three questions in the office, so I can coach them if they screw it up. As simple as these questions sound, if you don’t know where your partner was born, or what her favorite color, flower, or musical group is, the experience can turn from being fun and playful experience into hurt and disappointment, in turn leading to criticism and increased negative feelings. “She doesn’t know where I was born? After all these years?”

So I set some ground rules: One, it’s okay not to know all the answers—it’s even good—because you can learn something new about each other; it’s an opportunity to re-connect and update in a way that isn’t too challenging. If you don’t know something, make that a topic of conversation, even for just a minute or two.

The second ground rule is to understand that it’s not necessarily the fault of the partner who doesn’t know the answer! Communication is a two-way street. If you don’t take the time, or are passive about seeking knowledge about your partner, or just plain uninterested, preoccupied, or prefer to watch TV, then you need to make a your partner a bigger priority.

Third, I tell couples not to rush through this exercise the night before our next appointment. Take several nights over the week between our sessions to go through five to ten questions at a time, using them as a springboard for getting to know each other again. We refer to this exercise as updating our love maps. Daily obligations leave little time for talk, especially in our wired world, so we can’t expect to know everything about each other when our lives are busy and changing. When couples come back the next week, they usually feel good that they could get most questions right.

Expressing our Dreams Requires Vulnerability

What Dr. Aron’s study points to is that learning the deep, innermost feelings of your partner are what help us love them. When we express those ineffable or unspeakable feelings—those things we hardly tell ourselves—we make ourselves vulnerable, and that is attractive. Often couples have dim knowledge of their partner’s inner world. Dr. Aron’s 36 questions are the type we ask when getting to know someone—and spouses tend to already feel that job is done. Exploring the terrain of the soul with an attentive listener builds an emotional bond rarely experienced for some people with anyone but a therapist. This is why affairs feel rewarding.

As couples get further along in counseling, I have them do what Dr. Gottman calls the Dreams within Conflict exercise. This exercise, which takes place over several sessions, relies on the theory that gridlock results from life dreams in conflict. A powerful part of this exercise is to have each partner fully express a dream or wish that is fundamental to them. For this to happen, each partner needs to feel safe, because the dream is very close to the core of who they are, and it is fragile.

The first step is for one partner to pick a wish or dream, such as the desire for family connectedness, or the wish for adventure and travel, or to express their creativity. Once they think of the dream, their partners will ask a defined series of deliberately redundant questions, in order, without much commentary or discussion. This helps avoid an automatically defensive reaction.

For example, if one partner says “I’d really like to have more thrilling travel,” their partner may immediately respond with objections—and here’s what the mind does—“Oh no! How can we afford it? Will he want to take the kids zip-lining? What if he wants to go to a dangerous country? How can I take time off work? I really hate travel! I’d much rather stay home and have a stay-cation to putter in the garden and get caught up on all my novels… “ and on and on. This stream of thought can take place in seconds, but the effect can last a lifetime for the relationship.

So I ask the listener-partner to just ask the questions, not blurt out their thoughts and fears. Believe me, the stream of thoughts that go through the mind can if articulated, easily lead to squashing their partner’s elaboration of their dream. This Dreams within Conflict process opens up long-shut windows, allowing fresh views of each other, helping return the sweet to a relationship gone sour.

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Marriage and Idealism

In my practice, I often treat couples who have highly idealistic expectations about marriage. Does that sound contradictory? After all, idealism is romantic, and you need romance for a great marriage. If marriage isn’t just a partnership, but a meeting of souls, then something must be deeply wrong when you have petty disagreements. Soul mates never argue about where the thermostat should be set.

Soul Mate or Partners on Life’s Journey?

An article on Salon.com, reporting on a study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, explains this dilemma:

Researchers observed that while there are myriad ways people talk about love, two common ways of framing relationships — the “other half/soul mate” approach and the “our love is a journey, look how far we’ve come” approach — both contribute hugely to the way people view conflict in their relationships, but in nearly opposite ways. For people with we’re-on-a-journey view of their partners, everyday relationship struggles are just surmountable hurdles along the way. But for “soul mates,” conflicts are more difficult to deal with — after all, if two people are truly “made for each other,” why would they face any conflict in the first place?

This “soul mate” thinking is a set-up for disappointment since conflict is inevitable. But aside from the narratives with which we structure our understanding of love, there’s another cultural force that encourages over-idealism of marriage: the narcissistic message that anything less than “the best” is a gross insult. (Aren’t you worth the best?)

In the New York Times opinion page, psychoanalyst Joseph Burgo uses narcissistic home renovators as a comparison to marriage:

The relationship between such homeowners and their contractor often resembles an overly idealistic marriage that starts off well and founders in the face of reality. The inevitable construction delays cause frustration. Unanticipated problems always crop up. And most important, the real product usually falls short of that idealized, perfect vision with which the homeowners began.

Burgo identifies narcissism, or unhealthy self-absorption, as the root problem here; just as homeowners takes pride in and identify with their house and its showy declaration of status, narcissistic marriage partners see the other as a mirror reflecting the best image back to themselves. Any blemish on that mirror—like a disagreement—would confront the narcissist’s view of self-perfection. Giving up the need to be, and be seen as perfect can go a long way towards increasing happiness.

Giving up the Need for Your Partner to be Perfect

I recently heard from the wife of a couple I saw in marriage counseling a year ago. They were on the verge of divorce when they came to see me because of conflict over a grown son. It is not uncommon for couples to seek therapy once the kids are launched. The empty nest can bring to the fore, unresolved parental problems that got tabled for the sake of providing harmony in the home. During couples counseling, Theo and Harriet worked on some fundamental ways of handling their differences in how much financial support to give their adult son. They learned to manage conflict, to support each other and avoided getting ‘triangulated’ in their relationship. Over time, they found ways to express their appreciation and love more often–something that suffered because–as so often happens when raising kids–the children get the majority of affection and attention. By the time their kids had left home, they were out-of-practice in showing their love for each other.

When therapy was concluded, Theo and Harriet had better skills to cope as a team, with the challenges in handling issues with their son. They downsized and moved to Oregon. About a year later, Theo phoned me requesting several phone sessions after the birth of a grandchild brought up old hurts. We were quickly able to resolve the problem because they had a structure in place to deal with conflict and just needed to talk it over and remember what they already knew. But something else happened during that process that shifted them into a deeper place of understanding, acceptance, and love. Harriet gave me permission to quote the letter she wrote to me.

So, here is my key conclusion: I believe that every conflict is multi- (multi-!!) faceted. We can lock onto one dominant element of that conflict, and make it all about that, but that is not accurate. I believe we demonstrate our growing intelligence and personal abilities by learning to examine and include more and more of these many facets into our consideration: our humanity; our upbringing; our personality; our failings; our needs; our goals; our stress; our desires; our fears; etc. etc.

 I believe Theo is a loving, good human being – as I believe myself to be. With that, in my opinion, necessary foundation, I believe we can move forward now. Rather than basic civility, I hope we treat each other kindly and respectfully; acknowledging to ourselves and those around us that we are life-long partners. I hope every day is one of communication and support. Thank you again, Susan.    I’m feeling pretty strong right now; encouraged to move forward, but I always benefit from our conversations no matter what.”

Expressing Love in Different Ways

In a different case, a conflict escalated over several years when the ‘honeymoon’ phase settled into a more realistic partnership. Jenny, a self-proclaimed romantic, felt her husband didn’t love her anymore, and wanted counseling to end the marriage. Jenny’s romantic ideals meant that love always had to be expressed in elaborate ways. Homemade cards with hand-written poems, special baked treats, candles, flowers, music—this was how she believed soul mates express their love. Because her husband Dave could barely remember to buy a Hallmark card, she felt unloved.

Our sessions brought out, though, that Dave did plenty of other things to show Jenny that he loved her. He performed a myriad of unpleasant household chores that he knew Jenny hated, like taking out the compost. He cut back on gaming to spend more time with her. He left her the last cookie. Jenny came to see this and was also able to admit that part of why she idealized big romantic gestures was so she could brag to her girlfriends about them. When Jenny stopped demanding Dave fit her ideals and make her look good, and started appreciating Dave on his own terms, the marriage got better—and, since Dave felt more loved and appreciated, he was able to start addressing some flaws he did have. “He’s my teammate, not my soul mate,” said Jenny in our last session.

 

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Six Ground Rules for Introducing a New Girlfriend or Boyfriend to Your Kids

hiding from emotions is never a good strategy

When is it okay to introduce your kids to a date after divorce or separation?

This is a common question for newly separated or divorced parents. Like so many things involving children after divorce, the answer is “it all depends.” But there are a few ground rules that can help in the transition to dating.

In evaluating when to let children know about a new romantic partner, the goal is always to protect the child’s psychological best interests. Much depends on the child’s age and the quality of your relationship before and after your separation. As noted in a previous post, watching parents treat each other with disrespect and lack of affection harms kids even more than having to shuffle between two homes.

Everyone is different with regard to dating readiness. Some people will wait for months, some for years. Consider, though, that when a relationship has been unhappy, it’s important to give yourself time before jumping right into Match.com or eHarmony. Make use of this found time alone when you do not have the kids. Get to know yourself again. People are often surprised to discover that they can enjoy a kid-free weekend or weeknight without feeling guilty. Many have said it is an unsuspected silver lining in divorce. Time alone without kids is often a rarity in marriages where fathers and mothers both devote themselves to family life and the nurture and growth of their children.

Individual psychotherapy during this period can help you to reclaim the parts of yourself that have been lost or damaged. Taking this opportunity before dating again will help you, your kids, and your eventual romantic partner. No one wants to date someone on the rebound from a marriage. Dating to fill the void or to build your self-esteem will not work in the long term, bringing more harm than comfort.

Eventually, the time will come when you feel ready to explore relationships again. When the transition to living separately is established and custody has been worked out, agreed upon, and is going smoothly, parents will begin to think about dating.

Keep in mind the following suggestions to help you, your kids, and your ex ease into this new and often threatening territory.

Some Guidelines for Dating Post-Divorce

1. Children need to establish a routine with each parent. This is best done when the custodial parent is fully present, undistracted by a romantic interest.

2. Dating should be done during non-custodial times. The introduction of a new partner is often confusing to young children, especially during the first year after a divorce. In older kids, who may be exploring their own sexuality, seeing their parent with another partner can make them feel self-conscious and embarrassed.

3. It is important to not create a climate of anxiousness about where they belong in each parent’s lives. Children need to feel like they come first. If a romantic partner is introduced too soon, this sense of secure attachment will be compromised and can create anxiety.

4. Do not bring a partner home for the night on your evening with your child. Waking up in the morning and seeing that a parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend has slept over can be confusing and hurtful. Kids will feel an allegiance to their other parent and will feel protective of them, fearing they’d be hurt by knowing that there is someone else in the house.

5. When the time comes to date openly, it is a courtesy to inform the other parent. Letting your ex-partner know that you are dating and want to introduce a serious relationship to your children allows the non-dating partner to process this news without being blind-sided, for example by seeing you with another person at children’s events. Do not let your children be the ones to tell the other parent that mommy or daddy has a new love, and certainly don’t ask them to keep secrets from their other parent. They should not be put in this position. When children innocently expose this information, it can engender angry and painful reactions that can cause the children to feel guilty, sad, and embarrassed.

6. Always treat your ex-partner with respect whether their non-custodial parent is present or not. Kids learn from watching. When you begin to date, show respect to your ex-partner and to your children by not flaunting your new partner. Respect boundaries with regard to public displays of affection. For an ex-spouse to see their former partner kissing during a recreational event will most likely cause anger or hurt. It is common for one party to feel jealous or possessive when they realize that their former spouse is dating. This is a tender time for everyone. Remember to be kind and respectful to each other. This role-modeling will help your children to assimilate a new person into their lives in a healthy way.

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How Couples Counseling Can Guide a Divorce That’s Better for the Kids

Staying Together for the Kids: Why This Isn’t a Good Idea

In my work as a counselor, I approach every couple with the intention of helping them heal what isn’t working in their marriages. I know that even the most challenging issues are often repairable. But occasionally, it is in everyone’s best interest to separate.

Parents considering divorce often find the very idea of being without their kids part of each week is unthinkable. The reason so many people stay in unhappy marriages is to avoid losing their children and to spare the kids the pain of not having both parents always present.

Research by Dr. John Gottman has shown that couples wait an average of seven years after becoming aware of problems in their marriage to seek counseling. This period of time can be subtly or obviously harmful to your child’s mental health. During those years when your relationship is not working, your kids are being affected—despite your best intentions to protect them.

While statistics often cite the harm divorce causes children, many studies fail to factor in the harm caused by a bad relationship. When your marriage has deteriorated into loss of intimacy (loving gestures, emotional closeness) this may be internalized by children and can affect their ability to love and be loved in their adult relationships. Likewise, when parents are obviously hostile and negative toward each other, kids may show signs of distress such as anxiety or depression with symptoms of guilt, worry, and low self-esteem.

When is it time to leave an unhappy marriage? Some reasons to leave an unhappy relationship are obvious: verbal, physical, or sexual abuse; ongoing substance abuse; broken trust through unaddressed lying and cheating; and a myriad of other extreme reasons. But sometimes the reasons are less obvious: sexual desire discrepancy, loss of respect and love, and unresolvable communication problems.

Divorce and Good Communication

Children are harmed when they are used as pawns by hostile parents: for revenge, for example, or to increase support payments. If the primary wage-earner in the family is resentful of having to pay spousal support, and seeks to reduce payments by asking for more physical custody of the children, when it is not in their best interests –this battle once activated drains emotional and financial resources—creating tension for everyone.

Kids pick up the negativity, so how you show your respect and love for their parent is important. If you are showing verbal or non-verbal signs of irritation and disrespect when talking about or to your ex, you child will be harmed. Then there are more blatant reasons, such as use of child pornography, repeated DUIs, and other criminal behaviors.

Sure You’re Getting Divorced? Couples Counseling Can Still Help

Couples counseling can be useful in learning what went wrong, not to assign blame or fix resentments, but from a perspective of taking appropriate responsibility. Doing a post-mortem of your marriage serves several important functions.

1. It helps you help your children to cope with the changes brought about by divorce. When children of divorce see their parents bickering about money, possessions, or time with the kids, they feel bad. It’s common for kids to feel guilty or responsible for the breakup. Being able to talk with your partner, calmly and respectfully, models good communication. Children pick up behaviors from their parents. Little ones are like sponges, picking up not only the crumbs but the bacteria as well.
2. If you leave a marriage without understanding what lead to its demise, you are likely to make the same mistake in your next serious relationship. In the many years I have done couples’ therapy, I have often heard this refrain: “I married someone so much like my previous partner—why didn’t I just stay?” We can’t run away from a bad marriage and assume it will be perfect with someone else. Spending time with your spouse trying to understand the complex dynamic you wove will save you from making similar mistakes in the future. Plus, couples often will decide to stay together once they realize and repair what got them to the point of divorce in the first place.
3. And, lastly, you will be co-parenting for the rest of your life. Learning better communication will help you as you raise your children in separate households. There will be many times you will have to consult each other about issues, school, friends, and problems that come up over the years. You will both need to be present at graduations, weddings, or grandchildren’s birthdays. It is a lot better to be friends working together to provide the best post-divorce environment for your kids possible.