O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Five Excuses Couples Use to Avoid Date Night

 1. “Hiring a sitter is too expensive.”

There are ways to minimize the expense of hiring a babysitter. A neighborhood teenager is probably the least expensive way to go; they’re usually happy to sit for less than the minimum wage of $8.00. Tipping will keep you in their good graces, but it doesn’t have to be a lot.

If hiring a sitter costs too much, or if there is no one in the neighborhood, then try asking for a babysitting trade with a trusted neighbor: “You watch my kids one Friday night, and we’ll watch yours the next Friday.” This way neighborhood kids get to know each other and each couple has a chance to get away.

If you have a good relationship with your family, asking them to stay with your kids is a way to cement family bonds.

Another possibility is taking the opportunity to work from home several times a month or work a flex schedule. Going in late one day, while the kids are in school, will give you time to go for a walk or coffee. Dates don’t always have to be at night.

2. “I can’t leave my kids with anyone else.”

It is important to analyze why you are uncomfortable leaving your kids. Separation anxiety can play a role. But know that if kids pick up your anxiety about leaving them, it will reinforce their separation anxiety from you. This is a set-up for later problems such as sleepovers or summer camp. Kids need to feel secure in their knowledge that you are comfortable leaving them. That conveys trust and security, and they will internalize this so they feel secure in the world. Some parents are worried about abuse. I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s Protecting the Gift as a useful, sane approach to such fears: http://gavindebecker.com/resources/book/protecting_the_gift/

3. “I don’t want to be alone with my partner.”

Are you avoiding intimacy with your partner? When Jim and Nancy came to counseling, they hadn’t been on any dates since their four-year was born. And with him sleeping in their bed, they had little opportunity for intimacy in their home. When the family bed becomes a deterrent to intimacy, it may be time to transition to a big-boy bed. If you are ready to explore this, Dr. David O’Grady has developed the Snooze Easy Program, which has been very helpful to parents looking to make this change. Like all avoidance behaviors, the more you avoid something the more difficult it is to do. When it’s been a long time since you’ve been alone together, returning to that intimacy can feel awkward. You may feel shy around your partner; worse, over months or years of not feeling connected, negative feelings can build up, so putting the energy into setting up a date happens less and less. Avoidance establishes a self-reinforcing pattern.

4. “When I have free time, I want to spend it with my friends.”

Scheduling book groups, school meetings, or cocktails with friends while your partner stays home with the kids doesn’t give your relationship the time and investment needed to keep it healthy. Keeping up friendships is important. But if it precludes time alone with your partner, resentment can fester. When Nancy and Jim came to counseling, Jim was often away in the evenings. He went to sporting events with his friends, had occasional late meetings at work, and frequently stopped at the gym on his way home. Nancy felt like he had no time for her. And the result? She was resentful and bitter, which served to push Jim away more so that there was no compelling reason to say no to invitations after work.

Another way couples put friends first is to go out on dates, but with their couple friends. Having friends you both enjoy is a wonderful thing; joint outings to plays, sporting events, or supper clubs can be great for relationships. But if you find that these get-togethers constitute the majority of your time together, then you need to give your relationship some just-the-two-of-you time.

5. “It’s just easier to stay home.”

Routines, like having a drink, watching TV, or playing a computer game, are comfort activities, but they can lack engagement, imagination, and energy. Some couples will do these activities together –sharing the experience—which can be fun and bring closeness.

We get passive for many reasons. Inertia is a strong force in marriage, not least because we all develop routines as a matter of course, to simplify and organize our lives. Staying with routines is easy, on the surface: you don’t have to plan what to do, no need to call a sitter or spend any money. But there is danger in this passivity. Relationships need energy and time.

You can break through inertia in several ways. Prepare a list of things you can do together that you agree would be fun and affordable. Take turns planning dates. One week, Jim arranges childcare, makes reservations, etc.; the next, Nancy. Each partner gets a week off to just relax.

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Date Night: Making Time Together Part 1

Sharing tea or coffee during date night in marriage.Couples need time to be together without other couples, family, kids, TV, and the endless distractions of a digital world.

For many years I have suggested to the couples that they have two dates a week, minimum. One date can be an evening out, such as a movie or dinner. But it is essential that there be opportunity to talk. After seeing a movie, don’t just go home; go out afterwards for dessert or tea and discuss the show. A second weekly date should be something active, like a walk or hike, going dancing, or visiting a museum —anything that allows you to have a shared and active experience.

Date nights give you the opportunity to reconnect positively, without being distracted by  kids, stress, and other preoccupations When relationships deteriorate, it is often because couples haven’t carved out time together that is stress-free.

Date Nights Don’t Always Go As Expected

But what if you’re like Monique and Rob, a couple I saw who chose to go out to dinner and a movie every other week? Their time together didn’t go well; in fact, they felt worse after their dates than when they stayed home with the kids. When dates don’t live up to expectations for reconnection, this is  often because a couple use their date time to hash over stored-up resentments and go over all the stresses they are dealing with. These can be as innocuous as the teacher’s evaluation of their kid, or as big as an unexpected Visa bill. The date deteriorates into bickering, bitching, or nagging, which lead to feeling disappointed and irritated.

During the years our twins were young, we went out to dinner every Thursday night. We had a babysitter, a teenager in the neighborhood who charged a reasonable fee—the price of a burrito or two. She was eager to make some cash, and she was fun and energetic with our girls. We’d come home from our evening to find the kids fed, clean, and asleep.

The next morning the girls would describe the fun things they did together. Parents often mistakenly think that leaving their kids for the evening is cruel,  but in reality kids need a break from their parents as much as parents need a break from their kids. It is extremely important for your kids see that you have a life outside of them, and that they can survive with other adults or older teens. This protects your marriage and it helps kids learn to handle separation, a skill they need to learn before college.

Monique and Rob explored date night during one of their couple’s sessions. They realized that they were drinking too much at dinner. Alcohol may seem innocently relaxing and to increase feelings of amorousness, but all too often it does the opposite, exacerbating tense discussions. Monique had an important insight: that she was saving up all the negative issues to talk over during their one night alone together, since Rob was at work all day. Rob, in turn, felt bombarded and overwhelmed. He clammed up, leaving Monique feeling even more distant than before their evening out.

 Ways to Avoid Tension During Date Night

  1. Limit alcohol. Sharing a bottle of wine over dinner can cause tempers to flare.
  2. It’s OK to talk over important subjects, but don’t bring up your core areas of conflict (the family budget, your sex life), and don’t unload the week’s stresses and concerns. It’s tempting to do so because you finally have a moment when kids aren’t in earshot, but resist. Otherwise, date night will end before the movie starts.
  3. Instead, use the time together to update your love maps. Find out what has been interesting—not stressful— for your partner over the last week.
  4. Be attentive. Put the phone in your pocket, turn it off, and don’t check it. If you must keep it on for the sitter, then create a special ring tone and ignore other calls. When you go out, avoid distracting, noisy venues like a sports bar. Your’re here to listen to each other, not check the score.

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Marriage & Acceptance: Crooked Timbers

Perfectionism is a personality trait that can have positive results: perfectionists work hard to get things right and aren’t satisfied with anything less. But people can also make themselves miserable with unrealistic, unmeetable expectations, and this misery expands outward when perfectionist standards are applied to relationships.

David Brooks, a political and cultural commentator for the New York Times, had an interesting take on this concept recently (in response to a blog post by Lydia Netzer).

We are, to varying degrees, foolish, weak, and often just plain inexplicable — and always will be. As Kant put it: “Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing was ever made.”

People with a crooked timber mentality tend to see life as full of ironies. . . . Marriage is ironic because you are trying to build a pure relationship out of people who are ramshackle and messy.

 It is Wiser to Work with the Flaws Than to Expect Perfection

Rather than beginning with the assumption that relationships (or the people in them) should be perfect, it’s wiser to accept that relationships are bound to be flawed, and work with the flaws you have. But what do you do, one of my clients might say when someone’s flaws really annoy you? Does this mean just gritting your teeth and putting up with it?

In a word, no. The key is to change negative perceptions by focusing on good aspects of the relationship and adopting a perspective of “we-ness.” As Brooks goes on to say:

People with a crooked timber mentality are anti-perfectionist. When two people are working together there are bound to be different views, and sometimes you can’t find a solution so you have to settle for an arrangement. You have to design structures that have a lot of give, for when people screw up.

For example, my clients Jay and Becca were fighting because Becca felt that the ideal family always had Sunday dinner together, while for Jay, Sundays meant all-day downtime, just like his father had always enjoyed. For each, Sundays were special, but in very different ways. Jay thought Becca was a nag who didn’t want him to relax, and Becca thought Jay was being selfish and denying their kids the great experience she’d had growing up.

Develop Your Partnership, Your We-ness

I asked them how they could cultivate an attitude of “we-ness” on this issue, instead of defending their positions as obviously right and sacred. What were some relationship-enhancing ways to think differently about the situation?

After some thought, Jay offered “I appreciate how Becca wants to build a strong family with good traditions.” In turn, Becca was able to say “I like how relaxed Jay is on his off Sundays; he has more fun playing with the kids and it’s good for us all.”

Eventually, Jay and Becca could agree on alternating Sundays for the big family dinner. Thanks to their new perspective on we-ness, neither one felt as if they were letting standards down, but rather, developing new ones as a family.

In relationships, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

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Sex and Kissing in Relationships

Why is kissing important? We need to feel connected in our intimate relationships and kissing is, or should be, an easy way to build and maintain the shared meaning that keeps us feeling that we are partners, not roommates. In ongoing relationships, kissing can be not just a prelude to sex, but how couples say goodbye in the morning and greet each other when they return home.

Even some animals do something like kissing, in what an evolutionary biologist quoted in a New York Times blog post calls “’an affiliative gesture.” Researchers on human relationships like Dr. John Gottman would include kissing among the “Rituals of Connection, or standard and every-day ways the couple connects and feels bonded to each other. “ Kissing is so intimate that many sex workers refuse to perform it.

  Why Does Kissing Disappear in Long-term Relationships?

Considering how well kissing builds connection, why might kissing disappear in long-term relationships?

One problem might be bad kissing. This can ruin a relationship before it even has a chance to start: I have heard many women complain that their date kissed with a wide-open mouth, teeth clicking together. If a prospective partner has poor oral hygiene, bad breath can spell disaster. Too much slobber or spit isn’t sexy unless lovemaking has become deeply passionate. One woman I worked with complained that her date’s tongue went too far down her throat and made her feel choked—a deal breaker.

 Bad Kissing

But even those in long-term relationships can face problems such as oral hygiene or bad kissing habits. Addressing the subject, whether with a date or spouse, is awkward and uncomfortable, but all is not lost. Kissing can be learned together. Just as in learning what your partner likes in bed, kissing is something that can be made better, with practice and a little humor.

 Non-Sexual Kissing is Important

Another reason couples might stop kissing is when one partner avoids touching their mate because of fear it will set the expectation for sex. Kissing, cuddling, and caressing in nonsexual ways is important; not all touch should lead to sex. If this has become a pattern, it’s crucial to talk about this.

When Jack and Judy came to counseling, they had been having sex once or twice a year. Jack was nearing forty years old and realized that although he loved Judy, he didn’t want a sexless marriage. Judy was focused on their two sons, involved in PTA, volunteering in the classroom, and making a comfortable home for ”her boys.”

Jack stated in therapy that although everything else in their marriage was good, he would not live without sex forever.  As much as the idea of divorce hurt him, he was considering it, if things didn’t get better. He would not go outside the marriage to get sex and masturbation wasn’t a substitute for the physical need to be with Judy.

 Counseling Provides a Safe Place to Talk About Sex

In counseling, although the two had not talked openly about sex for many years, they were able to talk about their feelings without feeling attacked or judged. Judy expressed, for the first time, that she felt repulsed by oral sex due to a young cousin’s history of sexual abuse. Jack was surprised and assured her that he didn’t need that in their lovemaking. Judy was also able to articulate that she felt turned off by some of Jack’s attempts to initiate sex. Grabbing her breasts or slapping her butt while she was cooking dinner turned her off, making her feel like an object. Her body was her body, not his to grab impulsively. Jack was unaware that these behaviors caused her to feel this way.

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Passion and Romance in Marriage: How it Goes Sour

Would you choose gelato over non-fat frozen yogurt? Most of us would say gelato, even knowing that it is an unhealthy choice. Long-term marriage versus an affair? Most would choose a good, healthy marriage over a fleeting affair. But that choice depends on many variables. Is your marriage healthy? Do you still have passion, romance, and intimacy? If your relationship has lost its passion and romance, there are ways to bring it back so that it can have the richness of gelato, yet be nourishing and fresh.

Relationships begin with infatuation. A crush is mistaken for love because it is so powerful and ineffable, even though it is fleeting in the end. Romantic love leaves an imprint on the heart and psyche that is hard to shake. When love matures and the romantic sentiment fades over years of managing kids, chores, jobs, money, and family commitments, the memory of that imprint can cause misery as couples feel loss. This is a pivotal point when marriage begins to unravel.

Most relationships begin with gelato and then evolve into true intimacy and love. With infatuation, you’re projecting your ideal lover onto someone who seems like the right fit, but once the real life intrudes, that projection fades. In a long-term relationship, intimacy develops as you see your partner’s flaws—and he sees yours. And by overcoming hardships together, intimacy deepens. Romantic weekends may be fun, but don’t lead to long-lasting romance and passion unless they are part of a real relationship.

Negative Sentiment Override

Though every partner sometimes has negative feelings about the other, in a deteriorating marriage one or both partners can develop what Dr. John Gottman calls negative sentiment override: “where your bad thoughts about your partner and relationship overwhelm and override any positive thoughts about them. You may start to stockpile your grievances, keeping track of each offense your partner commits. In the meantime, your bad feelings fester and grow.” (Gottman, John, Ph.D., Gottman, Julie Schwartz, Ph.D. 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, 2006.)

With negative sentiment override, disappointment seeps in as a husband or wife increasingly believes their partner is not their ideal mate. This is the time when a relationship is most vulnerable to infidelity. Thoughts of “what could have been” begin to dominate one’s private thoughts; the partner is viewed more and more with disappointment and criticism. The unhappy spouse often keeps these thoughts from the partner. Or, attempts to discuss the loss of intimacy are seen as a threat to both partners, and conversations are avoided.

When bottled-up feelings seek a release, people might seek support from a co-worker or a friend who will listen compassionately. Sometimes when friends get together, the conversation turns to the ways their partner goofed up, let them down, or was clueless, and camaraderie begins—a kind of misery-loves-company partner-bashing. By verbalizing the big and small ways their husband or wife is clueless, inept, thoughtless, inattentive, and dull, wives exaggerate and reinforce these very traits. Rather than relationship-enhancing thoughts, negative thinking dominates, squeezing out all traces of what drew a couple together and the good they created together in the marriage.

Laying the Ground for an Affair

If feelings of self-pity take hold and there is a convenient, attractive co-worker who is also feeling unhappy in their relationship, the friendship can become sexualized as they confide in each other over coffee, lunches, and eventually drinks after work. As meetings become more clandestine, the secrecy provides a dual purpose: it keeps the threat to the marriage from their spouses and it perpetuates excitement, intrigue, and illicit fantasies. This dynamic mimics the excitement they felt with their spouse at the beginning of their courtship when life was simpler.

Couples Counseling

At this juncture, some partners come to couples counseling because either the emotional affair has been revealed or because mutual unhappiness leads one partner to suggest counseling. If the emotional affair has not been revealed and in fact is continuing, then counseling will most likely be doomed. No marriage, with all of its history of squabbles, bickering, and life stresses, will compare with a sexualized companion who listens with consoling, uncomplaining, unquestioning patient attention. Trying to work on a marriage when only one partner is involved (even nonsexually) with someone outside the marriage is like choosing gelato. The healthier choice of marriage, like non-fat yogurt versus full-fat gelato, will lose in most cases. Our impulses to recapture the imprint of passionate love strongly pulls us from what is healthy—an impulse rather than a conscious choice.

Truth and Honesty: Rebuilding Intimacy

As difficult as it is, every relationship must be based on trust. Affairs, whether emotional or full-on sexual, do not have to spell the end of a marriage. I have worked with many couples that, once the affair is disclosed, use it as a wake-up call to begin to rebuild intimacy. But first, they must have the conversations that have been avoided or ignored. In the safety of counseling, many couples will develop the tools to resurrect their love, and while they may not return to the delirium of pounding hearts and fantasy, they will remember that still-present imprint of the love that brought them together.