O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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10 Things Parents can do to Help Their Kids Engage in School

 

Helping your child in school
Monday can’t come fast enough!

My daughter posted this photo and comment on her Facebook page after purchasing her textbooks for winter term. She is a full-time senior at a university and works part-time at an independent bookstore. Yet she can’t get enough of reading and learning. Her twin is equally passionate about learning. After seeing my daughter’s Facebook post, I reflected on what we did to encourage and support their love of learning.

We survived the homework battles and our daughters are now months away from finishing their undergraduate degrees. It wasn’t always easy. We didn’t have many of the challenges that some families face, like those with ADHD, depression, anxiety, or medical problems, but over the years we found ways to support them in school.

In his February 15 New York Times editorial, David Brooks commented on President Obama’s agenda for getting kids better prepared to start school by providing early educational opportunities before kindergarten. Brooks wrote:

Today millions of American children grow up in homes where they don’t learn the skills they need to succeed in life. Their vocabularies are tiny. They can’t regulate their emotions. When they get to kindergarten they’ve never been read a book, so they don’t know the difference between the front cover and the back cover. . . . This is rude to say, but here’s what this is about: Millions of parents don’t have the means, the skill or, in some cases, the interest in building their children’s future. Early childhood education is about building structures so both parents and children learn practical life skills. It’s about getting kids from disorganized homes into rooms with kids from organized homes so good habits will rub off. It’s about instilling achievement values where they are absent.

The Importance of Reading

These are lofty goals in a world where there is much inequity in income, lifestyle, and education. Raising kids is challenging in the best of circumstances; just getting dinner on the table after work can be exhausting. But even families from affluent homes struggle to find time for family when screen time takes over or heavy work schedules make direct parental attention scarce.
A good story is captivating even to unpracticed readers. A friend of mine volunteers at a juvenile hall a couple of times a week, reading books for incarcerated teens. Many of these kids have never been read to. She tells me that in the five years she has done this, no kid has complained. Many are there for weeks at a time and so they hear bits of the stories and look forward to the reading even without the benefit of continuity of the story.
David Brooks is saying something important: raising kids who possess the necessary skills to find jobs or go to college requires not only affordable educational opportunities but family involvement as well.

What can you do to help your child in school?

1. Read to them every night. Start when they are very young, and continue until they ask to read out loud to you. They will stumble over words, one page taking a long time to finish, but stick with it and try not to show impatience. (In the long run, it’s a lesson in more than just reading.)

2. Talk about what you read. Discuss what the characters might have been feeling or doing.Reflect on the stories together.

3. Continue reading as a family; take turns reading aloud to each other. There are many young-adult (YA) books that are great for adults—look at the worldwide popularity of Harry Potter among readers of all ages. My daughter’s bookshop holds an adult book group that meets monthly just to read YA titles.

4. Download books or borrow the audio CDs from the library and listen to them on car rides and in place of video games, movies, or TV.
5. Make a place for study and homework (this could be just the kitchen table) that is a dedicated quiet area: TVs and smartphones off.

6. Limit and monitor all screen time, including texting, gaming, and Facebook. Screens can consume inordinate amounts of time for all family members, but just as in marriage, turning away from preoccupations and toward your child in little and big ways every day will help them feel loved.

7. Make a family plan about how much is okay and stick to it—adults, too. Some families do well by limiting TV/screen time to one hour a night once all schoolwork is complete, but not too close to bedtime. Save the hour before bed for quiet time—reading or listening to books—or talking about the day together.

8. Keep growing and learning through hobbies, reading, classes, or learning to play music. Follow your own passions and your child will see that learning throughout the lifespan is valued.

9. Never let your kid have a TV in their bedroom. This will surely lead to nighttime TV, inappropriate shows, or staying up late—leading to trouble getting up for school the next day.

10. Eat together several times a week. Having dinner conversations that are not forced or stiff is a skill. Don’t just talk to your kids but to your partner as well.

We weren’t always perfect but we tried to follow these guidelines, and now we are enjoying our daughters as they graduate from college—entering the next chapter in their lives. 

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Sleep and Romantic Relationships: How a Good Night’s Sleep Keeps Relationships Romantic

 

Research conducted at the University of California, Berkeley, showed that poor sleep hurts relationships. “Poor sleep may make us more selfish as we prioritize our own needs over our partner’s,” according to Amie Gordon. Gordon concluded that when partners feel unappreciated, the hidden culprit is sometimes poor sleep.

Sleep is a Cornerstone of Mental Health

Sleep is the cornerstone of mental health. One of the most common symptoms of emotional distress is sleep disturbance. People with depression complain of early-morning awakening, fragmented sleep, and inability to get back to sleep once awakened. Anxious people frequently report difficulty getting to sleep due to worry, rumination, and replaying or anticipating the day. Having children is another culprit in poor sleep. Nightly feedings, diaper changing, and generalized worry keep new parents awake well into toddler-hood. Getting a good night’s sleep is important—anyone who has been through periods of insomnia can attest to that. But what was interesting about this study is that it demonstrates that a partner who is sleep deprived is less likely to express fondness and gratitude. As Gordon notes, “You may have slept like a baby, but if your partner didn’t, you’ll probably both end up grouchy.”

How Sleep can Affect Romance

When Jack and Anne came to my office recently, Jack had been through a particularly stressful experience with his father. His emotional distress increased tension in his neck and back, intensifying his chronic pain. The combination of physical and emotional tension cascaded over several days, resulting in a sleepless night. The next morning, when his partner made a gentle bid for contact by pointing out an interesting article in the newspaper, he snapped at her. Or as they more vividly described it, “It was somewhere between a growl and a scream.” The walls went up, and both partners retreated in silence.

When bids for contact are not acknowledged, or your partner turns against rather than turning toward your bid, it leads to accumulated tension, often turning to resentment. Over time, this resentment leads to distress-maintaining thoughts about your partner (such as “my husband is such a jerk”) become toxic to the relationship. We know from research on marriage that expressing fondness and admiration is important for the health of the relationship. Once Jack was able to identify that his grouchiness was due to his poor sleep, he could make a repair to Anne by saying, “I’ve been preoccupied lately with my father, and that made me lose sleep. I’m sorry I overreacted this morning.”

Poor sleep can lead to the chronic use of sleep aids. From over-the-counter Benadryl to prescription sleeping pills, these medications can help for short-term insomnia, but when someone is depressed or anxious for an extended period of time, nightly use of these medications changes sleep architecture, making deeper, restorative sleep scarce. If disturbed sleep lasts for months—or years, as it often does—the missed opportunities to express loving tender thoughts to your mate accrue, leaving both partners feeling deprived of affection.

Because sleep problems are a symptom of something else, such as depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, or chronic pain, it is important to understand the reasons behind poor sleep and address those directly. As sleep improves, grouchiness diminishes, making room for hugs and kisses.

 

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The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling

"The Great Wall"During lectures about marriage, I have used this photo of the Great Wall of China to illustrate Gottman’s fourth horseman of the apocalypse: Stonewalling.

When we were in China a few years ago, we had the good fortune to see this magnificent stone wall when there were no other people around. It helped that our driver got hopelessly lost, and we ended up going several hours out of our way. But happily, we ended up at this stretch of the Great Wall that was not on the typical tourist path.

Putting up Walls

Walking up the steep steps gave me a view of the entire countryside, but scaling a partner’s emotional wall isn’t that easy. I reflected on why we put up walls and how these walls get maintained over the years. Walls are built for protection—to keep others out—and to keep control. In marriage, partners who have trouble with emotional self-regulation get overwhelmed emotionally, but also physiologically, even if they’re unaware of the raised heart rate and adrenaline that are making them feel literally attacked.  That’s why they put up walls.

Learning to Self-Soothe During Difficult Conversations

Emotionally checking out of the conversation creates the illusion of safety. Ignoring the difficult discussion, looking or turning away, or even leaving the room, puts the overwhelmed person back in control, but doesn’t solve anything. Learning to be aware of uncomfortable feelings, then how to self-soothe and maintain composure, helps partners stay in a heated conversation and also to listen and respond. That way, the discussion can move ahead without getting gridlocked.

A good technique for self-soothing to manage anxiety is Mindfulness-Based Relaxation Training, something I often recommend to clients who want to stop stonewalling. Learning this form of meditation is very useful in helping stay in control, calmly, without having to create a distancing wall—even when discussing the most upsetting topics. 

 

 

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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Shortcutting Criticism

In the biblical Book of Revelations, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse signal the end of the world through conquest, war, famine, and death. The Four Horsemen that Dr. John Gottman’s research has identified as signaling the end of a relationship are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—communication styles that threaten a marriage’s health and longevity.

When I first see a couple for relationship counseling, I assess their communication behaviors by using a set of questionnaires developed from the research of Dr. Gottman. To evaluate criticism, for example, each client answers yes or no to statements such as “I feel attacked or criticized when we talk about our disagreements” or “My partner uses phrases like ’you always’ or ’you never’ when complaining.”

Defensiveness is seen in statements like “Many of our issues are just not my problem” or “I have to defend myself because the charges against me are so unfair.” Statements such as “I try to point out the flaws in my partner’s personality that need improvement” or “I feel disgusted by some of my partner’s attitudes” assess contempt. Stonewalling is when one partner just tunes out and ignores the other, usually after a barrage of criticism. Putting up a wall of silence is an attempt to protect the stonewaller from getting flooded by physical and emotional over- reactivity. Of all the Horsemen, Dr. Gottman says this is the most likely to end a relationship.

The good news is that each of these Horsemen has an antidote. The first step is recognizing these interactions when they occur. Often when couples are stuck in a cycle of negative communication, each person is unable to see his or her own part in the problem. But with gentle coaching, clients learn to notice when they are criticizing, being contemptuous, on the defensive, or stonewalling.

Next, I show couples alternative ways to expressing themselves by using a specific antidote to each Horseman. Today, let’s talk about the antidote to criticism.

Learning to complain without blame is key to short-circuiting criticism. Any relationship may give rise to legitimate complaints. But the key to avoiding defensiveness in your partner is to complain in a way that does not place blame.

The formula is pretty simple: “When _________ happens, it makes me feel____________. What I would like from you is_________________.” For instance, when Judy says to Mark, “You’re always putting your parents’ needs before mine. You’re such an inconsiderate jerk,” the likely response from Mark might be, “I do not! And if I do, it’s because you don’t take any time to connect with them, so I have to do it all!” Placing blame just engenders defensiveness, continuing the cycle of criticism.

Helping Judy to find a different way to express her feelings might sound something like this: “Mark, I miss feeling connected to you when we are with your family. Do you think that this weekend when we see them, we can stay close? It would help me if you’d check in with me every once in a while.”  In this version, Judy takes responsibility for her feelings and then asks directly for what she wants without making Mark out to be the bad guy. Mark, in turn, can listen to Judy’s request without feeling he has to justify and defend.

Antidotes to the other three Horsemen will be taken up in another post. But understanding how these concepts affect communication in marriage goes a long way to helping couples manage conflict.

 

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Preventing infidelity: Open the sliding door to love

 Dr. John Gottman recently sent me a complimentary copy of his latest book, What Makes Love Last? I read it with great interest. Couples often come to my office struggling with trust and betrayal. While infidelity is a common reason couples seek counseling, it does not have to portend the end of the marriage. Before an affair strikes, women and men adamantly proclaim that they would divorce their partner if they caught them cheating. The discovery of an affair has been described as ”waking up to one’s worst nightmare.“ There is no doubt that this fundamental betrayal produces cataclysmic changes in the relationship. But what comes as a surprise, after the initial shock, is that couples often fight for their marriage, not so quick to divorce as they assumed.

How to Prevent Affairs

In What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver (Simon & Schuster, 2012), Dr. Gottman makes the case that trust is a powerful protective antidote in keeping marriages healthy and affair-resistant. This seems obvious. But there are clear ways to encourage trust within a marriage. How does trust develop? What keeps it alive? And how do you rebuild it once it has been damaged? In this blog post and the next, I’ll address these questions.

Developing Trust is Central

Central in developing trust is how individuals in a relationship react to what Dr. Gottman refers to as “sliding-door moments.” where “one partner expresses a need for connection [and] the other’s response is either to slide open a door and walk through or keep it shut and turn away” (32). These expressions, or “bids for contact” in Gottman’s phrase, happen all the time as partners ask each other in words and deeds for support and understanding. A small bid would be something like, “Hey, isn’t that a lovely flower?” or as intimate as “I need you” after a difficult day. Each one offers a chance to step through the door.

All committed relationships have an abundance of sliding-door moments, and of course, partners will not always be able or want to step through. They could be busy, preoccupied, angry, or just not paying attention. What puts a relationship in trouble is when most of these moments end poorly. If over time, bids are ignored without the benefit of discussion, one or both partners may begin to wonder if they matter in the marriage. Compounded, these lost opportunities for connection will lead to feeling unloved and unappreciated.

Feeling that way creates fertile ground for an affair. For example, a co-worker shows interest and understanding during a time when a partner is absorbed in their own life stressors. What starts as an innocent work friendship can lead to betraying the marriage as the unmanaged conflict between a couple chisels away mutual trust and struggles become set in stone.

Negative Sentiment Override

Research shows that we are more likely to remember things that are unfinished—such as an argument that never gets resolved or discussions that end poorly with misunderstanding and hurt. The memory of the event leads to an increase in negative attitudes about the marriage. This is referred to as negative sentiment override (NSO). The friendship couples once felt is diminished and they see each other in an increasingly negative light. This NSO leads to one partner feeling threatened—perhaps her partner is involved with someone else?

When Joe and Lisa came to therapy for the first session, she was convinced he was having an affair. While his outside relationship had not become sexual, the risk was high that it could do so if they didn’t attend to their relationship. Many years of poorly managed communication about the division of labor conflicts led to feelings of being unappreciated and unloved by both Lisa and Joe. The more Lisa complained the more Joe pulled back—which served to make Lisa more insecure. During one session they described a recent tussle. After a particularly exhausting week, Lisa spent all Saturday cleaning and grocery shopping. She prepared Joe’s favorite dinner. But Joe was frustrated with Lisa because earlier in the day, when he needed her help getting their daughter ready for swim lessons, Lisa continued to Skype with her sister, ignoring him. By the time they sat down to eat, Joe was steaming, Joe has trouble expressing his feelings when he feels them. In this case, he stewed for most of the day. By the time they sat down to dinner, Joe was boiling mad. He didn’t realize that Lisa was trying to create a sliding door moment for them to connect at dinner. She didn’t know that Joe felt ignored.

Loss of Emotional Intimacy

This dynamic is not uncommon when couples start therapy. The loss of emotional intimacy is usually preceded by years of a subtle weakening of the friendship system in the marriage. Couples stop sharing their intimate feelings. Criticisms, gripes, and defensiveness erode fondness and admiration. Rather than thinking loving thoughts about each other, their thoughts are dominated by what therapists call “distress-maintaining thinking” In other words, the more you see your partner and your marriage in a negative light, the more distress you feel. In turn, the negative thinking gains traction, leaving little space for thoughts and behaviors that would increase expression of fondness and appreciation. If Lisa doesn’t express appreciation to Joe for the time he spends with their daughter, and Joe can’t express what he feels, both the loving and difficult feelings, they will grow apart. The door will shut tight. When sliding door moments are repeatedly missed, negative thoughts about the marriage will slip in, squeezing out affection and love.

The good news is that you can take definite steps to build back trust and protect your marriage from betrayal. Couples therapy is often the first step toward building back the foundation of your relationship. Stay tuned for the next post to see how you can protect your relationship.