O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Look Into My Eyes: The crucial role of eye contact in relationships

Eye contact is crucial in couple and family relationship. People are innately attracted to faces, especially eyes. The human face is associated with our identity; we are recognized more through our eyes than through any other facial feature. ”Because the eyes offer such rich social information, adults and infants alike show a natural attraction to the whole face,” write contributors to the APA handbook of nonverbal communication (Washington, DC: American Psychological Association, 2016, pp. 335-362). Those who have trouble processing or dealing with social information, such as people with autism, schizophrenia, or social anxiety, tend to avoid eye contact; job seekers are told that good eye contact will make a positive impression.

When a relationship is new, lovers can spend hours gazing into each other’s eyes over dinner or while lying in bed, enjoying all the nuances of thought, feeling, and passion that can be communicated through facial expression. Young parents watch their children intently, searching their faces to read emotional reactions to sad or exciting events.

The Importance of Eye Contact

But at some point, we stop making eye contact. The romantic relationship matures, distractions (kids, work, medical problems, financial troubles) come in; kids attend to their devices, ignoring parents; parents chauffer their kids while talking on their phones; we eat dinner in front of the TV or our tablets, looking down every time a notification pops up. Whole days can go by without really seeing our partner’s or our children’s faces. In fact, in a previous post on non-sexual touch, I admit to a time when our twins were young, we were both working a lot, and I failed to notice that my husband had shaved his mustache three days before! That was a wake-up call for me.

In couples’ therapy, I gather a lot of information about how my clients communicate by watching their non-verbal interactions. Let’s take Amy and Paul as an example. If Amy and Paul never look at each other, or if Amy looks at Paul but Paul doesn’t return the gaze—his eyes darting around the room instead—I learn something of their connection. Paul has trouble making eye contact with me as well, which also tells me something.

They are coming to therapy because Amy feels that Paul is distant and disengaged. The two seldom interact, whether after work or on weekends. On a typical evening, Paul will come home and turn on the sports channel. Amy will call out from the other room with a question. Distracted, Paul doesn’t acknowledge her. Amy feels neglected, Paul feels he can never please her, and divorce looms. It is important to make eye contact to know that your partner is really listening. Trying to communicate from different rooms will lead to miscommunication and misunderstanding.

This scenario is very common in relationships. The partner calling for attention feels innocent of blame, saying “He never listens, he never responds.” When I gently point out that she’s trying to get his attention when he’s otherwise preoccupied, she explains that he must have heard her and is just ignoring her.

Maybe, after going on for years, this is has become the case. But often the simpler reason is that Paul is watching the game and he literally doesn’t hear. Or he half hears, but the question never gets into his long-term memory.

As is often the case with couples by the time they get to counseling, their dynamic has become entrenched after many years of hurt feelings on both sides. Each blames the other, Amy criticizing Paul for his lack of engagement, and Paul keeping all his feelings to himself. This apparent sulking serves to infuriate Amy more, and she in turn harps on him with progressive intensity. Walls go up and prevent the vulnerability that is needed for true intimacy. Neither Amy nor Paul realize what they are doing to prevent connection.

Look at me when I’m talking to you!

When someone makes eye contact with you, they’re signaling that you’re the object of their attention. There are cultural differences regarding gaze and respect, but in general, we look at those who are socially relevant to us. An averted gaze, in contrast, signals disinterest, shyness, or evasion (although research is mixed about whether lying causes less eye contact). That’s why parents demand “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” or someone suspicious of another might say “Look me in the eye and say that.” It is astonishing how often couples, and kids and parents, try to communicate without ever looking at each other.

But getting back to Amy and Paul, it was important for Paul to understand how dismissed Amy felt when he didn’t answer her or make eye contact with her. Of course, it was also important for Amy to have Paul’s attention before speaking to him. By taking the time to really look at each other, Amy and Paul began to feel closer. Each felt they were being heard.

Getting the focus where it belongs

If your family or romantic connection feels cold and distant, consider the role that gaze may play in preventing closeness. Here are some tips for getting the focus where it belongs.

  • Ban screens of any type (TV, computer, phone, or game) and reading at the dinner table so you can all converse face to face.
  • Make a point of turning to look at someone when they speak.
  • If someone isn’t meeting your gaze, don’t assume they don’t care. They may be preoccupied with work stress. Ask if there is a good time to talk and make a point of coming together a bit later.
  • Kids can be big distractions. If your kids continually interrupt your conversations, let them know that they need to respect adult time.
  • Make sure you have your partner’s attention when talking to them. Don’t try to talk from different rooms.
  • Turning toward your partner builds intimacy.

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Division of labor in relationships: How to make it work

Division of labor in relationships -- learning to talk about without conflict.
Artwork by Peter Berkowitz

Conflict is inevitable in marriage, and how to divvy up chores is one of the most common conflicts. Virtually every couple I have seen for counseling over the last twenty years has argued about the division of labor in their marriage. As the mental scorecard of who does what grow longer with each year, the couple’s friendship and good feeling is eroded.

First, a few words about conflict in general. We know that not all conflict can be resolved. That’s to be expected; learning to tolerate conflict is something all people who live or work together must do. Some issues will come up many times over the course of a long-term relationship, but this is not a sign of failure . Think of managing conflict rather than resolving it. Framing disagreement this way gives you the opportunity to talk over issues and work toward compromise. Remember, couples that never fight are not necessarily happier. Anger that’s papered over, denied, or unexpressed doesn’t disappear; it tends to compound over time.

In fact, anger and conflict can strengthen relationships when you express your needs in ways that will be heard (as opposed to harping, nagging, constant complaining, criticism, and negativity).

For example, don’t go into a conflict discussion with guns blazing. A softened startup helps set a friendly context that will determine the way the whole thing goes. Being able to follow basic rules of good-faith engagement will lead to deeper understanding and more productive discussions. Of course, screaming, threats, sarcasm, name calling, and criticism are never okay.

Common areas of conflict around division of labor

Disagreements can arise in several ways. Couples can have very different ideas about what “clean” means, for example. The stereotype is the slob who claims not to see the dirt paired with a hygiene-obsessed neat freak. While it’s easy to understand the role of laziness in conflict, over-vigilance can also be problematic. An over-controlling gatekeeper may set onerous rules and methods for exactly how housework gets done, what kids can eat, how much screen time they can have, and so on.

Women tend more toward gatekeeping—of course, this is a generalization, and roles are fluid and changing today. But in the case of a conflict around a gatekeeping mother, a deeper understanding of the pattern might include appreciating how women often feel heavy cultural pressure to run perfect households. Stay-at-home mothers, especially, may feel that their power in the husband-wife relationship lies in setting domestic rules. But like everyone, such mothers need a break with housework and kids sometimes—and that means letting their partners do things their own ways, within reason (children aren’t neglected and chores get done).

If one partner makes up all the rules, the other will feel resentful. If there are significant differences in how things are done, find ways to communicate about them and find solutions both can agree on. Stepping up on the one hand, and accepting good-enough help on the other, can go a long way toward resolving this conflict.

Another common but not always acknowledged conflict is, for couples with children, agreeing on what counts as time with the kids. Mothers typically consider activities such as shuffling kids to activities, packing lunches, or coordinating after-school activities as parental involvement. But dad may think that throwing around a ball or playing a video game together counts equally well. Fun is important, but no one parent should have to shoulder all the mundane activities.

Dividing household jobs

As hinted above, gender plays a role in labor division, even if not deliberately. Often, gender roles established by the couple’s parents become the template of how household and parenting jobs are divided. Some couples will consciously avoid doing things the way their parents did. But certain jobs are still likely to get divided along gender lines—men take out the garbage, pick up dead animals, do the yard work, and plunge the toilet, for example.

Even when both partners have jobs, women do considerably more housework. Data from the National Survey of Families and Households conducted by the University of Wisconsin shows that women who don’t work outside the home spend about 38 hours a week on housework compared to 12 hours for their husbands. Working women continue to do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning, around 28 hours a week, while husbands of working women contribute about 16 hours a week on chores.

Assessing labor division is further complicated when some work is invisible. Certain time-consuming jobs routinely fall to women but don’t count as “housework,” such as planning the social calendar, play dates, childcare, and birthday parties, including buying birthday gifts and supervising thank-you note writing. This work matters: teaching good manners and assuring that children don’t get left out of the ever-shifting social hierarchy of childhood is important to their development and happiness.

When this issue comes up in counseling, men will routinely tell their partners not to worry so much, but unfortunately this does just the opposite of reducing conflict. It feels and is dismissive.

Even couples that have full time childcare don’t escape the division of labor struggles. Surprising to couples who do not have live-in childcare, even managing the nanny has to go on the list of who does what. No one turns over the care to their children without giving sufficient time to forming a good working relationship with the person charged with caring for them.

When you think about who does what, pay attention to the little things, such as taking out the garage, cleaning up the dog poop, getting oil for the car, taking clothes to the dry cleaners—they may seem like minor errands, but they add up.

The list of common household jobs below shows many things that go into running a home and managing a family. Use it to discuss who does what in your relationship. Next to each activity, put the initials of the partner who does that job. Then go through the list again and see if there are chores you’d like to restructure.

Remember that things don’t have to be balance out 50/50, so long as you each agree on how to structure the tasks that need doing. If there are things that no one wants to do, consider taking turns or finding other ways to make up the difference. It’s also worthwhile to consider which chores are occasional or seasonal and which are weekly or daily tasks.

 Who does what in the relationship?

General household tasks

  •  Going to the cleaners
  • Washing windows
  • Planning the food menu
  • Grocery shopping
  • Cooking dinner
  • Setting the table
  • Cleaning up after dinner
  • Cleaning the kitchen
  • Cleaning the bathrooms
  • Putting out clean towels
  • General tidying up
  • Getting the car serviced
  • Putting gas in the car
  • Sorting incoming mail
  • Paying the bills
  • Managing investments
  • Balancing the accounts
  • Keeping social calendar
  • Returning phone calls or e-mail
  • Taking out garbage and trash
  • Recycling
  • Washing clothes
  • Folding the laundry
  • Ironing
  • Putting the clean clothes away
  • Vacuuming
  • Washing floors
  • Replacing light bulbs
  • Repairing appliances
  • Making the beds
  • Cleaning the refrigerator
  • Shopping for clothing
  • Planning travel
  • Making home repair
  • Remodeling
  • Buying furniture
  • Redecorating the home
  • Buying items for the home
  • Buying new appliances
  • De-cluttering
  • Organizing kitchen cabinets and drawers
  • Doing yard work and lawn maintenance
  • Banking
  • Caring for house plants
  • Straightening and rearranging closets
  • Getting house ready for guests or a party
  • Buying gifts for family members and housewarmings, etc.
  • Keeping in touch with family
  • Preparing for holidays
  • Planning vacations and getaways
  • Arranging couple dates

Childcare tasks

  • Coordinating kid’s activities
  • Taking children to school
  • Picking children up from school
  • Doing or arranging childcare after school
  • Preparing child meals and lunches
  • Spending time with kids
  • Planning family outings with kids
  • Taking children to medical, dental, and similar appointments
  • Supervising homework
  • Supervising child baths
  • Meting out child discipline
  • Supervising bedtime with kids
  • Dealing with a sick child
  • Handling child crises
  • Dealing with a child’s emotions
  • Attending teacher conferences
  • Communications with the schools
  • Attending special kid events
  • Arranging kid birthday and other parties
  • Arranging kid lessons
  • Arranging kid play dates
  • Shopping for kids’ stuff

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Marriage and Parenting: Balancing everyone’s needs

Work-life Balance —  Making Time for Yourself

When I was born, my father’s colleagues congratulated him with the cartoon below.

Being a parent requires balancing personal needs with family and couple needs.

The proud new dad is wearing a halo and peering up at a trophy of me, his firstborn, hands on my hips. Behind him is a trash can filled with his favorite toys: skis, golf clubs, bowling ball. As this cartoon acknowledges, we all understand that when kids enter the marriage, parents have more work and less free time for previously enjoyed activities. When I ask couples during their initial therapy sessions about what they do for fun, they often look at each other, shrug, and say something like “Well, we sometimes watch TV together after the kids are in bed.”

One of the hardest things about having kids is the loss of identity. Parents often feel that they have to give up their recreational pursuits because children demand all their time. But is this necessary? In fact, parents today spend much more time with their kids than they did in previous generations. Fathers spend twice as much time in child-oriented activities than they did in 1965, and mothers spend an average of 20 percent more time with their kids. Where does this extra time come from, and what is sacrificed?

Generally, when both parents work outside the home, that extra time has come from mothers dropping some housework chores since 1965, and dads picking some up. But most of the additional child-oriented time has come at the expense of time spent with partner, friends, and on personal interests.

 

 The Venn Diagram of Marriage

 

Making time for yourself in marriage as well as time for your partner, and your children is important .Think of your relationship as a Venn diagram composed of two circles, one for each partner. The circles overlap for couple time—date night, activities together, time alone together. If you have children, add a third circle for kid-oriented or family time. Depending on the ages of your children, that circle will be larger at some times than others, but the important thing is to have your own circle, large enough to have time for individual pursuits not involving your partner or the kids.

This was what my dad threw away. He trashed all those fun activities to support his family. For him, as for so many men of his generation, ”support” did not mean participating in child-oriented time; it meant working. In my parents’ conventional marriage, he was the wage earner and provider: so much so that by the time his cancer was diagnosed, he had accrued three years of sick time. Which was just the exact amount of time he used before he died.

Don’t make that mistake. Give yourself permission to pursue your passions (within reason; maybe not 18 holes of golf every weekend, as this will surely cause conflict in the marriage) and reclaim the things you loved doing before kids or find new interests that nourish you.

What we know for sure:

  1. Don’t give up friendships. Friends are good for marriage because marriage doesn’t have to meet our every need. Friends also spread the load of stress so the marriage doesn’t have to bear it all.
  2. Express your needs for support and negotiate compromises. Fairness in distributing chores and caregiving tasks will reduce stress in your relationship. Read my post about the division of labor in marriage.
  3. Make time for fun together. Having enough fun strengthens your relationship and protects it during hard times. A good rule of thumb is to schedule two dates a week, where you get a sitter, a friend, relative, or neighbor to watch the kids and you go out for coffee, a walk, or dinner. Try to make it new and invent different activities to do together. In Gottman’s work, this would be called turning toward each other.
  4. Make time for yourself. Taking time for self-care is as important as caring for your family. Self-care includes a wide range of activities: taking a yoga class, doing formal meditation, exercising, skiing, painting, or gardening, (and bowling, golf, scouting.)

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Maintaining Composure as a Parent and Householder

Parenting require finding balance and composureMaintaining a graceful composure when performing life’s demanding household and child-raising chores can take a toll, leaving us feeling depleted and out of balance. But practicing the postures and meditation of hatha yoga can restore that equilibrium. Yoga practice connects us to our bodies, and thus to our bodily wisdom if it is done mindfully.

Remember: If we don’t give to ourselves by taking care of our well-being, then we cannot take care of others.

One lovely pose (asana) to try is called lalitsana, the pose of royal ease. You can see this pose in statues of Yogini Hayagriva. Yogini translates as female practitioner of yoga. In Hinduism, the god Vishnu is one of three supreme deities, called the Preserver. One of his avatars (manifestations or incarnations) is the goddess Hayagriva, which means the “horse-necked one.” She is depicted sitting on an animal in a graceful posture, lalitasana, supporting her child with one arm. Both mother and child have horse’s heads. Hayagriva is considered to embody knowledge and wisdom. In this mythology, the horse pulls the sun’s cart into the sky every day, shedding light on the world. Symbolically, Hayagriva represents the triumph of pure knowledge, guided by God, over the forces of passion and darkness.

To assume the lalitasana pose, sit on a low stool, chair, bench, or firm ottoman with your left leg bent so that the sole of your left foot rests on your right inner thigh. Allow your right leg to extend, half bent, to the floor. You may notice a sense of ease and grace as your spine becomes aligned in this pose. This asana is similar to a half lotus pose, but sitting on a chair or bench allows the right leg and foot to drape down, without the strain that sitting in lotus pose can have on the knees.

Take this pose throughout the day when you feel restless and distracted. Even a few moments will help ground you so you can return to the tasks at hand with a bit more calmness. A few minutes of mindful breathing in this pose will enhance the experience. May all mothers and fathers feel this sense of comfort!

The horse head on the voluptuous human body reminds me that our being is composed of many aspects. Being a loving parent will look different at different times and stages of your life. Practicing yoga and meditation on a regular basis will help keep you limber and supple in mind, body, and spirit. We need this suppleness to stay open to the many ways life brings us into contact with our own darker natures.

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Better Sex through Non-Sexual Touching

Sexual Intimacy isn't just about the sex.
Artwork by Peter Berkowitz

Two people rarely have the exact same sex drive. One person might be happy with daily sex, another with monthly. Besides differences in basic libido, life events (illness, job stress, childcare) can cause a desire discrepancy in couples. A large desire discrepancy will eventually cause conflict, likely eroding other aspects of the relationship as well.

 Why Non-sexual Touching is So Important for Sex

While couples don’t need to be conflict-free for happiness, we know that couples do need more positive interactions than negative ones. Dr. John Gottman’s research on this shows that the magic ratio is 5 to 1. That is, we need to have five times as much positive feeling and behavior with our partners as negative. Couples can increase positive interactions in many ways: by expressing fondness, appreciation, and admiration; regularly connecting by checking in with each other and staying in touch with your partner’s daily life events; and, of course, through physical intimacy.

For an amusing illustration of what goes wrong in many relationships, check out this performance by Flight of the Conchords. Miscommunication about sexual interest, lack of foreplay or after-sex cuddling, and showing little sensitivity to partner’s needs all leads to no sex or to perfunctory sex. And when couples rarely touch, embrace, or kiss except as a prelude to the bedroom, passion can dry up altogether.

But it’s important to remember that intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean sex. in fact, non-sexual touch is vitally important, both in itself and to improve sex lives. For each sexual encounter, it’s important that couples have at least five episodes of non-sexual touch. I use “five” loosely; a 15-1 ratio would be wise. Touching your partner several times a day allows closeness and intimacy to grow in a natural way.

Another reason to increase non-sexual touching is that many partners with a lower sex drive end up avoiding any touch for fear it’ll be interpreted as an invitation to sex. Sometimes partners are exhausted, sleepy, or just planning to go to bed with a book; they would enjoy physical closeness, but sex is the last thing on their minds. Sometimes the lower-drive partner pulls away, avoiding opportunities for physical closeness (cuddling on the sofa, kissing, or spooning in bed in the morning)—or even creates additional distance, for example by making critical comments. Over time, the higher drive partner will make fewer gestures of closeness out of frustration and feelings of rejection.

Another consideration is that partners must still be sensitive to appropriate moments for non-sexual touching. A common dynamic is when men come up behind a partner, often when she’s standing and working in the kitchen, and grab her from behind or grope her. This may be meant as playful (and can be just that); it’s also low-risk because a brush-off doesn’t mean as much if you’re “just messing around.” However, most women report that this gesture feels intrusive and disrespectful as if they’re property. It’s better to invite or ask for touch when a partner isn’t busy.

While the partner with a higher sex drive has a responsibility, so does the lower-libido partner. If partners with higher sex drives start feeling unappreciated, they may drift away and start getting sexual needs met outside of their relationships through online activities, finding sex in other venues, or beginning an affair, without having exactly intended to slide into infidelity.

Non-sexual but physically intimate ways to show your appreciation for a partner include:

  • Caressing your partner’s cheek
  • Cuddling with one another
  • Tickling the inside of your spouse’s arm
  • Walking with your arms around each other’s waist
  • Sitting close enough so that you are physically touching legs or arms
  • Holding hands
  • Briefly rubbing your partner’s back while watching TV or standing at the kitchen counter
  • Playing footsie with each other
  • Kissing or nibbling your partner’s ear

Intimacy doesn’t have to be through direct physical touch, either. Eye contact is also very important. Many couples will go for days without looking directly into each other’s eyes. I confess that when I was in the thick of raising our twins and working many hours a week, that I neglected to notice that my husband had shaved his mustache. He didn’t mention it, waiting to see how long it would take me to notice. That was a wake-up call for me. And we work in the same office!

Of course, while non-sexual touching is important to help create intimacy, so is sex! In my next post, I talk about romance and how to re-ignite it after years of neglect.