O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Facebook’s False Face: Comparing our insides to other people’s outsides

Social media often contributes to feeling left out, leading to depression and social comparison.

Guidelines for Kindness When Posting

We seldom deliberately present a bad face on social media. Selfie stick in hand, we depict ourselves smiling before an elaborate, expensive meal, in front of a landmark in an exotic land, or simply celebrating with friends (which all can see, including those not fortunate enough to be present in those moments).  Accumulating ubiquitous likes and thumbs-up is gratifying in the way that cotton candy is: briefly sweet,  but fading quickly as the posts scroll by. Posts may have sad news; they may be angry, ranting, or commented on by haters, but in constructing a public version of ourselves, we promote something: a lifestyle, an idea, or an image.

First generation Face bookers–the early adopters—now in their twenties, have mostly abandoned it for Twitter and Instagram where they look for news in their areas of interest.  Their parents, on the other hand, who may have started a Facebook page as a means to snoop on their kids, (and friends of their kids)—are more active than ever, but for themselves now, posting about their kid’s achievements. That’s understandable. The need to know that others care about us is normal.  Seeking attention in the right way, at the right time, is healthy: An actor needs interaction with her audience; a poet wants to hear audible sighs when reading their work. In conversation, we seek reciprocity. I speak while someone listens, then I listen attentively in turn. I can tell you now, having published a blog, that I want to know that people read my posts, and it is the best when someone comments.

 No one wants to be a Debbie Downer to their friends, and no one wants to read the sad, drab, boring parts of life. So what’s wrong with shaping a good-looking, successful persona for social media? One answer: it’s depressing. The theory of social comparison suggests that we evaluate and define ourselves in relation to others, and Facebook is no exception. But if we’re always comparing our lives, which we know to be full of difficulty (unrealized dreams, illness, money problems, strained relationships, etc.) to the carefully curated, only-the-highlights lives of others, it’s easy to feel envious and depressed at how you don’t measure up.

More than that, when we’re obsessing over social media, we’re not paying attention to our own present moment. Instead, we take a mini-time travel to a future moment, imagining other people witnessing our experience, or become lost in memories, wishes, and comparisons. We become exhibitionists and voyeurs, which detaches us from other people rather than bringing us closer together.

Chao-pien was a Chinese official of the Sung dynasty and lay disciple to a Zen master. He summarized a spiritual experience in a four-line poem:

 

Devoid of thought, I sat quietly by the desk in my official room,

With my fountain-mind undisturbed, as serene as water;

A sudden crash of thunder, the mind doors burst open,

And lo, there sits the old man in all his homeliness.

                                 T. Suzuki (Essays in Zen Buddhism, Second Series (1953; reprint, London: Rider, 1970)

 

Thomas Merton unpacks this metaphor in his book The Inner Experience:

Suddenly there is a clap of thunder and the “doors” of the inner consciousness fly open. The clap of thunder is just startling enough to create a sudden awareness, a self-realization in which the false, exterior self is caught in all its naked nothingness and immediately dispelled as an illusion. Not only does it vanish, but it is seen never to have been there at all—a pure fiction, a mere shadow of passionate attachment and of self-deception. Instead, the real self stands revealed in all his reality.

A serene mind, devoid of the constant stream of media, allows us to see ourselves as we are: homely and human. The irony for those of us hoping to portray perfection is that it takes seeing our homeliness—our unpolished, unedited life—to begin glimpsing our wholeness.

When we don’t see our homeliness because we are busily posting all the good stuff, we evade the difficult yet real feelings we have, and we evade real emotional contact with ourselves and others. Our rejected, unacknowledged feelings go underground—and will pop up again as symptoms of unease. In this way, social media becomes a defense mechanism, like denial or projection.

The vivid starkness of D. T. Suzuki ‘s excerpt speaks to what we must eventually encounter when we sit alone without our devices. We see the door burst open to our humanness, in all its homeliness and ordinariness. We are fine as we are, warts and all.

Over the years I have seen clients who obsessively look at social media; some create a complete alter ego. This keeps them from true and honest relationships, even with themselves. For tips on putting down the smartphone, try this link.

Consider the following these guidelines for kindness when posting.

  1. Be considerate of others when posting photos of exclusive activities, amazing holidays, or expensive vacations—especially ones your friends can’t afford, weren’t invited to, or couldn’t attend.
  2. Don’t overshare—no one wants to see your every activity, meal, and outfit.
  3. Check your privilege. Make sure you are not being insensitive in your posting.
  4. Be genuine; avoid arrogance.
  5. Make posts that are about other people and issues, not just yourself.
  6. Try taking a break from posting.
  7. People want to see your artwork, your successes, and accomplishments, but don’t upload every single thing.

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Seeing How Childhood Patterns Affect Marriage

 

Couples Therapy and Family of Origin
Learning about Relationships by Watching Parents

When Mark and Judy came to see me for couples therapy, Judy felt frustrated by her husband’s constant angry mood. They rarely talked anymore, and she felt that any time she brought up a stress, the conversation quickly became a quid pro quo—who had the hardest day? Mark felt low-level irritability and frustration about his life as a parent, provider, and worker. He didn’t feel in control over his life, but rather, at its mercy. ”When do you relax? What do you do?” I asked. He answered, “I veg.”

“How do you veg?” I asked.

“I turn my back on my wife and small kids and look at my laptop, surfing the web, reading this or that,” he replied. Turning his back was Mark’s signal to his family not to bother him, his way of carving some space for himself in his small house. But did it work?

“It works for moments, maybe; they leave me alone, at least.”

But in turning away, Mark was missing the opportunity to turn toward anything enriching. The web gives ample opportunity to veg, plenty of material to inspire reverie, but the end result is not Whitman’s loafing that invites the soul. It is diffuse and at the end of the evening, empty. A one-click purchase was often the only way my client felt like he actually got something for himself.

 Spillover Stress: How it Damages a Relationship

And the next day would be just like the one before, full of stress and angry feelings. The psychological term “spillover” describes how stress can bleed into other aspects of life, especially in relationships. When someone is stressed because of the demands of daily life, they will carry that stress home, like a heavy briefcase they can’t put down. If someone is disconnected from himself or herself because the demands of life feel so heavy, they lose connection to their inner self, the soul.

Using Reverie and Daydreams as an Alternative to Surfing the Web

Returning to my client, I invited him to consider the benefits of reverie. To daydream, to muse with no clear focus, to allow the mind to wander with its spirals and twists—that can be a wonderful thing. “Loaf and invite the soul,” wrote Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass. We need moments in the day with no one—not even ourselves—looking over our shoulders and monitoring our productivity. We need time where we can let ourselves slip into that pleasant, non-productive time with nothing to do but allowing thoughts, feelings, and images to freely enter and leave our minds.

So why not put the briefcase down, take the weight and the ache away? In Mark’s case, as we explored his feelings more deeply, he revealed guilt: Guilt about taking time for himself. Guilt about not being 100 percent there for his wife and kids. In therapy, we explored some reasons for this.

 Going Deeper Within the Context of Couples Therapy

Through his boyhood and teenage years, Mark was what therapists call a “parentified child.” His mother suffered from a degenerative disease. His father worked to support the family on a meager budget, despite working two jobs. Mark had to care for his mother, feed her, and stay home while the other kids were out playing.

He got the message that taking anything for himself when his poor mother had nothing—no mobility, no joy, and no friends—was selfish. He carried this guilt into adulthood without realizing that now, as a parent himself, he was recreating his childhood pattern and taking care of everyone but himself.

While at first glance Mark and his wife Judy’s marriage looked like that of a typically bickering couple, it wasn’t that simple. Just teach them some communication skills, give some homework, and let them go on their merry way? NO. Unless the two understood Mark’s guilt and the reasons behind it, no real, lasting change could be made in their marriage. They would fall back into old patterns six months or less after completing couples therapy.

In Mark’s case, Judy listened quietly at first then interjected, “But I do give you space—I tell you go see your friends one evening after work, go the gym…” Mark had heard her say this countless times since their daughters were born. The conversation was an old one and never changed. When people have the same fight over and over, they become bitter and hopeless. Thoughts of divorce enter along with feelings of self-pity. “Another partner would not treat me this way,” each might think.

 Stepping Out of Gridlock Takes Patience and Time

To step out of a gridlocked conflict such as this one takes patience and time. Couples counseling creates a space for partners to explore some of the not-so-obvious dynamics of their relationship with empathy, putting grudges aside long enough to really see your spouse in a different light. It provides an opportunity to see patterns on many levels: communication with your partner, your relationship to your parents, and how those layers interact with each other to create difficulties in loving.

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The Sound Relationship House: Friendship and Appreciation

The Sound Relationship: Part 1

 

A great marriage needs a strong foundation. Remember the story of the three little pigs? The first little pig built his house of straw and the second made his house with wood. The third pig built his house of brick while the first two pigs played, taunting him for working so hard.

When the big bad wolf came to blow their houses down, the first two pigs ran to the third pig’s home and sheltered there, safe and secure from the wolf.

Big bad wolves can come to marriage at any time, in lots of forms: an out-of-the-blue life crisis such as an affair, job loss, or death of a loved one, for example. Or it can come as a slow erosion of love. Whether suddenly or slowly, events such as these can strain a marriage to the point of dissolution. But if your house is strong, then these crises don’t have to end your relationship. In this post, I’ll present two techniques for shoring up the relationship house’s foundations.

  Love Maps: Knowing and Being Known

Based on his research, Dr. John Gottman has defined what makes a strong relationship, and he illustrates this concept by using the metaphor of a house with seven floors. The bottom floor is the Friendship System because partners must be friends to have a good marriage. That friendship can become damaged if partners don’t stay in touch with each other’s lives.

In the courtship stage of a relationship, we learn everything we can about our partners, like favorite TV shows or best friends. Gottman-style couples therapists call this kind of knowledge “love maps.” But as years go by, couples can forget to keep asking; staying in touch gets lost in the shuffle of life. In my previous post on love maps, I emphasized the importance of updating these maps as we age. What was significant to your partner five years ago may not be today. How well do you know your partner, and do you feel known? Are you updating your love maps throughout the years?

Examples of love map questions that I give couples on the first session include “What are your partner’s hobbies?” and “Who is your partner’s favorite relative?” There are sixty-two questions and in most cases, it’s a fun assignment. The ground rules are that if a person doesn’t know the correct answer, you tell them—you don’t ridicule or criticize them for not knowing. It’s an opportunity to update your love maps, not a test.

Expressing Appreciation is Essential

We enter into marriage with the blush of new love, assuming that life together will be easy and smooth. We know our partner and frequently express gratitude and admiration.

Life takes a toll on even the best relationships. Normal and expectable stressors such as children, aging parents, and job problems can consume the time a couple needs to stay close. When we are depleted by these normal stresses of living, we can forget to express our appreciation for what our partner does. Tasks such as making dinner, shopping for groceries, and picking the kids up from daycare become routine and therefore go unacknowledged.

But the happiest relationships liberally express appreciation for both the big and little things. Saying “thank you for going to the dry cleaners today” or “I appreciate that you called the sitter” seem like small things, but in saying them we help secure our foundation.

Knowing each other through updated love maps and expressing appreciation for one another strengthens a marriage against big bad wolves.

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140 Characters or Less: The Three-Sentence Rule in Communication

 

Couples frequently come to therapy complaining of communication problems. Conflicts don’t get resolved. Intimacy has left the relationship. They lead parallel lives. The focus is on the kids, or their work or friends, but not each other.

During the first session of couples counseling, I take a history of the relationship and ask them to talk about a current problem for ten minutes. Invariably one partner will dominate the discussion. In subsequent sessions, I see the same thing.

For instance, Jody and Tom came to couples therapy because Jody feels Tom never listens to her. She is upset because he tunes her out and doesn’t open up about his thoughts and feelings. Observing Jody and Tom for a few minutes gives an important clue to why they have come to this place in their relationship: Jody talks a lot. In fact, she talks in paragraphs—even pages. She is animated, eager to express herself. Tom sinks into the sofa, shoulders hunched in resignation as Jody takes over the conversation. There is no doubt that she has important points to make and makes them well, but Tom doesn’t get a chance to speak. When I prompt Jody to let Tom speak, he gets a couple of sentences out, and then Jody interrupts, speaking for him.

Who Talks More in Your Relationship?

I have seen this scenario over and over again in my work with couples. Do women talk more than men? This is a controversial issue and many factors come into play. American neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine reported that the average man speaks about 7,000 words a day, while the average woman clocks in at 20,000. My observations would bear that out, although admittedly, I see a skewed sample. However, I don’t think it is a genetic or neurological issue so much as a relationship one.

The very thing that Jody wants from Tom is closeness, but she doesn’t give him a chance to talk. The pattern gets further entrenched as Tom’s unexpressed resentment grows and he retreats into his own thoughts, which often see Jody in a negative light. This perpetuates the cycle, with Jody seeing him in turn as distant and aloof. Furthering the pattern is a subtle dynamic at play: as Jody sees Tom’s discomfort and reluctance, she talks for him—letting him off the hook, so to speak.

They each have a role to play in this dynamic but are not aware of their roles.
Using a variety of interventions, I have Jody and Tom change the way they talk and listen. I frequently invoke what I call the “three-sentence rule” for the partner who dominates the conversation. When they come to see the pattern, this rule is met with chuckles and relief. Jody doesn’t really want to do all the talking, and Tom wants a chance to be listened to.

Reciprocity is Essential to Good Communication

Lately, because of the popularity of Twitter, I suggest a rule of 140 characters or less. Tech-savvy couples know this means to limit talk to the most pertinent points, usually in three sentences. Pause. Give your partner a chance to respond. Resume. Reciprocity is essential to good communication. As Tom expresses himself more, Jody can relax and feel less need to control the conversation. In this way, couples learn more about each other, bringing closeness and, in time, greater intimacy. Couples are often surprised to see their patterns of communication are changeable.

So if you catch yourself speaking in paragraphs abounding with run-on sentences, stop and let your partner have a chance to speak. You may be surprised by what you learn from each other.

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Amour: Keeping Marriage Strong After a Stroke

How Marriage Can Survive Health Problems

The French film Amour is a touching, realistic window into the world of a committed marriage in which one partner has suffered a stroke.

The elderly couple are music lovers, their apartment chock-full of music books, records, and CDs, plus a concert-size grand piano. Yet the film has no musical score, just the mundane sounds of everyday life. The couple’s need to cope with change is so profound that the music of life fades, replaced by the clinking of forks against plates, sweeping away crumbs from the kitchen table, or shower noise as a caregiver washes Ann’s back. The story gently unfolds, depicting the couple’s commitment and love as the outside world shrinks, startlingly magnifying their life lived in three rooms. There is no shaking of fists at their plight, no angry outbursts from either partner.

How Stroke Affects Marriage

When giving talks on how stroke affects marriage, I say, “When one partner has a stroke, both partners have a stroke.” The stroke survivor grapples with loss of bodily function, speech, and often dignity, and the caregiving spouse must come to terms with the magnitude of the change in their lives.

A stroke can alter two people’s lives in an instant. For the person with the stroke, simple tasks suddenly become difficult or impossible. For the person’s partner, life revolves around the stroke survivor’s needs, requiring many adjustments.

And while stroke (like any chronic medical problem) affects marriage, it can also open a gate to improving communication and building and strengthening skills that were taken for granted.

Empathy on both sides is needed for the marriage to survive. Learning new ways to communicate fondness and appreciation serve as protective factors. Building new rituals of connection and remembering the positive aspects of your marriage before the stroke are necessary to keep your relationship healthy.

Coming to Terms with Suffering

While stroke can create strain, frustration, and distance in your marriage, coping with its effects is an opportunity to reset your priorities and goals. You may be able to strengthen your marriage as you and your spouse work together on common problems you will face. It is by accepting the limitations that life imposes on us that we can overcome them. As we learn to carry our burdens well—in the yielding and in the striving—we become whole.

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust; his parents, brother, and pregnant wife did not. In his remarkable memoir, Man’s Search for Meaning, he discusses how people face unavoidable burdens. Why did some crumple beneath the horrors of the death camps, while some comforted others and gave away bread?

“When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as his task; his single and unique task. He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe. No one can relieve him of his suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way he bears his burden. . . . The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity—even under the most difficult circumstances—to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified, and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation, he may forget his human dignity.”

I do not mean to minimize the great accommodations that must be made in marriage when a stroke occurs. But there is a phenomenon seen in marriage counseling that often predicts good prognosis; therapists term it “glorifying the struggle.” This describes a couple that comes to therapy with a crisis, but they can talk about how they see the struggles that they have gone through as ways to grow and that they can grow together. The likelihood of that couple being able to keep their marriage whole and strong is better than when there is bitterness and resentment toward their marriage struggles.

Of course, sometimes caregivers can’t look after a stroke survivor at home. In Amour, the husband was the caregiver until he could no longer tolerate bearing her pain for her. In the United States, if a caregiver is no longer available and/or funds have run out, the best option is a skilled nursing facility (or SNF in the medical jargon). But in many families, life must go on: living together, but with tremendous challenges for both partners.

Ways to Cope When Stroke Strikes

Here are some issues to consider in coping with the aftermath of a stroke.

1. Spousal support: This is a powerful aid to stroke recovery for several reasons, including a spouse’s ability to improve the stroke survivor’s mood and increase physical and social activity levels.

2. Role changes and division of labor: Most couples must change their usual division of labor. Tasks and duties that were previously performed by one spouse may need to be reassigned. Outside help should be considered when possible.

3. Emotional support: High levels of emotional support lead to the best possible recovery after a stroke, and support is most effective when it is seen by the stroke survivor as meeting his or her particular emotional needs. Empathy—your ability to see things from the other person’s perspective—is important for both partners. Even a stroke survivor with speech problems (aphasia) can still listen. To truly listen is a great gift, even when your replies are non-verbal.
4. Counseling and group support: Both partners can benefit. There are many great agencies that offer classes following a stroke, and ongoing groups to help maximize coping.

In the best of circumstances, marriage is challenging. When couples face chronic medical problems such as stroke, the marriage vows -in sickness and in health are tested to the limit. Compassion by both partners for each other, as so tenderly shown in the film Amour, is imperative to preserving love.