O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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140 Characters or Less: The Three-Sentence Rule in Communication

 

Couples frequently come to therapy complaining of communication problems. Conflicts don’t get resolved. Intimacy has left the relationship. They lead parallel lives. The focus is on the kids, or their work or friends, but not each other.

During the first session of couples counseling, I take a history of the relationship and ask them to talk about a current problem for ten minutes. Invariably one partner will dominate the discussion. In subsequent sessions, I see the same thing.

For instance, Jody and Tom came to couples therapy because Jody feels Tom never listens to her. She is upset because he tunes her out and doesn’t open up about his thoughts and feelings. Observing Jody and Tom for a few minutes gives an important clue to why they have come to this place in their relationship: Jody talks a lot. In fact, she talks in paragraphs—even pages. She is animated, eager to express herself. Tom sinks into the sofa, shoulders hunched in resignation as Jody takes over the conversation. There is no doubt that she has important points to make and makes them well, but Tom doesn’t get a chance to speak. When I prompt Jody to let Tom speak, he gets a couple of sentences out, and then Jody interrupts, speaking for him.

Who Talks More in Your Relationship?

I have seen this scenario over and over again in my work with couples. Do women talk more than men? This is a controversial issue and many factors come into play. American neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine reported that the average man speaks about 7,000 words a day, while the average woman clocks in at 20,000. My observations would bear that out, although admittedly, I see a skewed sample. However, I don’t think it is a genetic or neurological issue so much as a relationship one.

The very thing that Jody wants from Tom is closeness, but she doesn’t give him a chance to talk. The pattern gets further entrenched as Tom’s unexpressed resentment grows and he retreats into his own thoughts, which often see Jody in a negative light. This perpetuates the cycle, with Jody seeing him in turn as distant and aloof. Furthering the pattern is a subtle dynamic at play: as Jody sees Tom’s discomfort and reluctance, she talks for him—letting him off the hook, so to speak.

They each have a role to play in this dynamic but are not aware of their roles.
Using a variety of interventions, I have Jody and Tom change the way they talk and listen. I frequently invoke what I call the “three-sentence rule” for the partner who dominates the conversation. When they come to see the pattern, this rule is met with chuckles and relief. Jody doesn’t really want to do all the talking, and Tom wants a chance to be listened to.

Reciprocity is Essential to Good Communication

Lately, because of the popularity of Twitter, I suggest a rule of 140 characters or less. Tech-savvy couples know this means to limit talk to the most pertinent points, usually in three sentences. Pause. Give your partner a chance to respond. Resume. Reciprocity is essential to good communication. As Tom expresses himself more, Jody can relax and feel less need to control the conversation. In this way, couples learn more about each other, bringing closeness and, in time, greater intimacy. Couples are often surprised to see their patterns of communication are changeable.

So if you catch yourself speaking in paragraphs abounding with run-on sentences, stop and let your partner have a chance to speak. You may be surprised by what you learn from each other.

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Honoring Each Other’s Dreams: Create Shared Meaning

For Greater Intimacy, Stay in Touch With Hopes and Dreams

“Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.” W.H. Auden

Any committed relationship involves struggle and growth. Handling conflict successfully together, though, both depends on and helps produce a deep knowledge of your partner—and that will surely make for an interesting marriage.

Psychologists use the term “presenting problem” to refer to the reason people seek therapy. In couples counseling, the presenting problem is likely to be some crisis such as an affair or a problem with a child. But often it is the underlying lack of emotional and sexual connection that brings people to counseling.

During the initial interview, a couple will often say some variation on “We feel like roommates; there is no excitement or passion anymore.” They are living parallel lives, focusing on their kids or other pastimes that don’t involve connecting emotionally to each other. They come to therapy with patchy knowledge of each other’s hopes and dreams.

Work-Life Balance in Relationships

Sherry and Tim are an example of a couple that has lost touch with each other. Sherry explains, “My job demands all my attention. When I come home, I’m exhausted—all I want is to have some time alone. Being close feels like an effort, like another job. Even just sitting next to Tim on the sofa, I can’t relax because he might take that as a sign I’m willing to have sex.” By avoiding sex, which has come to feel like another demand on her time, Sherry actually avoids even physical contact—the hugs and kisses that express and maintain affection. The unintended result of months, even years, of avoiding Tim is what makes these spouses feel like roommates. Feeling alone and unloved, Tim gets cranky and argumentative. Small disagreements escalate, leaving both Sherry and Tim disillusioned with their relationship.

Staying Close after the Initial Romance

In the dating stage and through the early phases of a relationship, couples share their life aspirations, hopes, and dreams. Staying connected comes naturally. In time—after years of working and making a home to provide shelter and comfort, after surviving the early years of adjusting to having children—life’s challenges wear away at a couple, and they can wake up one morning and feel at a loss. Who is this person I married? (This question may be accompanied by an even deeper disconnect from one’s own inner life, but that’s a subject for another post.)

In couples counseling, one of the first steps is to find ways to get to know each other again. Couples therapists often suggest having a date night once a week. While it is important to spend time together regularly, often date night becomes just another stress in itself. Someone has to schedule it, someone has to arrange childcare, husband and wife may both be tired, and a movie plus dinner plus babysitting isn’t cheap, which may add financial stress. Add a few glasses of wine, and the table is set to rehash lingering hurts. The Four Horsemen come charging out across the restaurant and crashing into the dinner table. The date ends in disappointment, and worse, in more resentment. There’s nothing like resentment for an anti-aphrodisiac, so date night becomes fight night.

For Sherry and Tim to reconnect, they needed to remember why they married. During our sessions, Sherry and Tim were able to talk about what they appreciate about each other. Using a variety of Dr. Gottman’s interventions, such as “Expressing Fondness and Admiration” and “Relationship Enhancing Thoughts”, they were able to build back feelings toward each other that had become mired in the morass of negative thinking. Once they began to deconstruct the walls they had built, they were able to share hopes and dreams, leading to a deeper understanding of each other. Intimacy is grounded in honoring dreams and creating shared meaning in relationship.

Self-Care is Essential to a Close Relationship

Lifestyle changes, such as exercise and meditation helped Sherry to manage her stress from work and enjoy relaxing with Tim, instead of always needing alone time. Tim was able to see that Sherry’s way of de-stressing was to spend a little time alone after a hard day. Tim’s acceptance helped Sherry to feel understood, and Sherry’s relaxing helped Tim to feel loved.

These insights came because they took the time to face the scary thought that they had drifted apart. Couples therapy may not be easy, but it is often a relief to look each other in the eyes and talk about the difficult things in a safe setting. That’s important in moving toward intimacy after a long hiatus focusing on everything except each other. Rediscovering your friendship, and finding ways to talk about your hopes and dreams, will lead to honoring those dreams—and each other.

As Auden says, the marriage that has evolved through the creation of time and will is infinitely more interesting than any fleeting romance, no matter how passionate.
I will add to this by saying that a marriage can become both interesting and passionate. Getting to know each other’s hopes and dreams deeply, facing down life’s challenges together, both creates and sustains intimacy.

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Preventing infidelity: Open the sliding door to love

 Dr. John Gottman recently sent me a complimentary copy of his latest book, What Makes Love Last? I read it with great interest. Couples often come to my office struggling with trust and betrayal. While infidelity is a common reason couples seek counseling, it does not have to portend the end of the marriage. Before an affair strikes, women and men adamantly proclaim that they would divorce their partner if they caught them cheating. The discovery of an affair has been described as ”waking up to one’s worst nightmare.“ There is no doubt that this fundamental betrayal produces cataclysmic changes in the relationship. But what comes as a surprise, after the initial shock, is that couples often fight for their marriage, not so quick to divorce as they assumed.

How to Prevent Affairs

In What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman and Nan Silver (Simon & Schuster, 2012), Dr. Gottman makes the case that trust is a powerful protective antidote in keeping marriages healthy and affair-resistant. This seems obvious. But there are clear ways to encourage trust within a marriage. How does trust develop? What keeps it alive? And how do you rebuild it once it has been damaged? In this blog post and the next, I’ll address these questions.

Developing Trust is Central

Central in developing trust is how individuals in a relationship react to what Dr. Gottman refers to as “sliding-door moments.” where “one partner expresses a need for connection [and] the other’s response is either to slide open a door and walk through or keep it shut and turn away” (32). These expressions, or “bids for contact” in Gottman’s phrase, happen all the time as partners ask each other in words and deeds for support and understanding. A small bid would be something like, “Hey, isn’t that a lovely flower?” or as intimate as “I need you” after a difficult day. Each one offers a chance to step through the door.

All committed relationships have an abundance of sliding-door moments, and of course, partners will not always be able or want to step through. They could be busy, preoccupied, angry, or just not paying attention. What puts a relationship in trouble is when most of these moments end poorly. If over time, bids are ignored without the benefit of discussion, one or both partners may begin to wonder if they matter in the marriage. Compounded, these lost opportunities for connection will lead to feeling unloved and unappreciated.

Feeling that way creates fertile ground for an affair. For example, a co-worker shows interest and understanding during a time when a partner is absorbed in their own life stressors. What starts as an innocent work friendship can lead to betraying the marriage as the unmanaged conflict between a couple chisels away mutual trust and struggles become set in stone.

Negative Sentiment Override

Research shows that we are more likely to remember things that are unfinished—such as an argument that never gets resolved or discussions that end poorly with misunderstanding and hurt. The memory of the event leads to an increase in negative attitudes about the marriage. This is referred to as negative sentiment override (NSO). The friendship couples once felt is diminished and they see each other in an increasingly negative light. This NSO leads to one partner feeling threatened—perhaps her partner is involved with someone else?

When Joe and Lisa came to therapy for the first session, she was convinced he was having an affair. While his outside relationship had not become sexual, the risk was high that it could do so if they didn’t attend to their relationship. Many years of poorly managed communication about the division of labor conflicts led to feelings of being unappreciated and unloved by both Lisa and Joe. The more Lisa complained the more Joe pulled back—which served to make Lisa more insecure. During one session they described a recent tussle. After a particularly exhausting week, Lisa spent all Saturday cleaning and grocery shopping. She prepared Joe’s favorite dinner. But Joe was frustrated with Lisa because earlier in the day, when he needed her help getting their daughter ready for swim lessons, Lisa continued to Skype with her sister, ignoring him. By the time they sat down to eat, Joe was steaming, Joe has trouble expressing his feelings when he feels them. In this case, he stewed for most of the day. By the time they sat down to dinner, Joe was boiling mad. He didn’t realize that Lisa was trying to create a sliding door moment for them to connect at dinner. She didn’t know that Joe felt ignored.

Loss of Emotional Intimacy

This dynamic is not uncommon when couples start therapy. The loss of emotional intimacy is usually preceded by years of a subtle weakening of the friendship system in the marriage. Couples stop sharing their intimate feelings. Criticisms, gripes, and defensiveness erode fondness and admiration. Rather than thinking loving thoughts about each other, their thoughts are dominated by what therapists call “distress-maintaining thinking” In other words, the more you see your partner and your marriage in a negative light, the more distress you feel. In turn, the negative thinking gains traction, leaving little space for thoughts and behaviors that would increase expression of fondness and appreciation. If Lisa doesn’t express appreciation to Joe for the time he spends with their daughter, and Joe can’t express what he feels, both the loving and difficult feelings, they will grow apart. The door will shut tight. When sliding door moments are repeatedly missed, negative thoughts about the marriage will slip in, squeezing out affection and love.

The good news is that you can take definite steps to build back trust and protect your marriage from betrayal. Couples therapy is often the first step toward building back the foundation of your relationship. Stay tuned for the next post to see how you can protect your relationship.