O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Turning Toward Each Other Every Day: You Don’t Have to Wait for Date Night

Building closeness doesn’t happen only on date night, the subject of my previous two posts. Turning toward each other creates little and big ways to increase closeness—not just on dates, but in the routine tasks of life.

It’s easy to ignore the moments in a day when you can make a connection. For instance, when making a meal, we tend to stick to a routine; if our partner comes in to offer a hand, it is not uncommon for the cook to decline. That can be a missed opportunity to build some shared experience. It’s in a small way, but the small things will add up if they are done with sincerity.

When James and Lorie started therapy, they were barely speaking to each other. As a couple, they seemed to be DOA. But I have learned that in even the most damaged marriages, couples can turn things around and heal their relationship.

Division of Labor in Marriage Requires Flexibility

In conventional relationships, where one partner is the wage earner, and the other takes care of the kids and household, problems arise when chores become inflexibly assigned to the domain of just one partner, and the other is excluded. Both partners work hard at what they do, and when this arrangement works, it is terrific for everyone. But trouble stirs, when the roles or division of labor is too tightly woven, making for inflexibility.

In the case of James and Lorie, James worked long hours and was rarely home for meals with Lorie or their two sons. Lorie resented this but found ways to adapt by getting her needs met through her many friendships and social activities.  Meanwhile, James was irritated, feeling that Lorie putting her social life ahead of him.  When he was home, she was out at meetings. Over the years this patterned congealed into, both partners feeling increasingly that their roles were unappreciated. They felt disconnected.

I asked how James could help in the mornings by taking care of their sons, before school. They both rolled their eyes. James said, his “Lorie hates to have me in the kitchen.,” said James. Lorie confirmed this, saying, he “He comes in and tries to help with homework, or making breakfasts or lunches, but he just makes a mess. He takes everything out of the fridge and it just irritates me.” James is equally angry, saying, “ She has her way of doing things—nothing I do is ever right. ,” James added. “She is such a control freak.”

Over the years, he began to keep to himself, avoiding going into the kitchen, making it more difficult for him to connect with the boys. Yet being a family together in the mornings, —even when they are hectic, —can be an opportunity to turn toward each other. But in the case of James and Lorie, it created hard feelings.

 Making Everyday Tasks Joint Activities

Turning toward each other begins with the often trivial things we do daily, such as cooking dinner, cleaning up, and working in the garden. For James and Lorie, they decided to make an effort to be pleasant to each other. This wasn’t easy after so many years of tension. Lorie began to see how her judgmental attitudes toward James, were kept leaking out, on a regular basis. This affected their children. Kids who witness their parents showing disrespect to each other may end up having trouble with intimacy themselves. Lorie worked to be looser about James’ way of helping with the breakfast. She quit trying to micromanage their mornings. And rather than automatically slipping into resentful isolation, James swallowed his pride and asked Lorie for advice on how to get breakfast on the table, and began paying attention to the other details of morning routines.

Over time, they found activities they could do together, making even routine tasks opportunities to turn toward each other.
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Five Excuses Couples Use to Avoid Date Night

 1. “Hiring a sitter is too expensive.”

There are ways to minimize the expense of hiring a babysitter. A neighborhood teenager is probably the least expensive way to go; they’re usually happy to sit for less than the minimum wage of $8.00. Tipping will keep you in their good graces, but it doesn’t have to be a lot.

If hiring a sitter costs too much, or if there is no one in the neighborhood, then try asking for a babysitting trade with a trusted neighbor: “You watch my kids one Friday night, and we’ll watch yours the next Friday.” This way neighborhood kids get to know each other and each couple has a chance to get away.

If you have a good relationship with your family, asking them to stay with your kids is a way to cement family bonds.

Another possibility is taking the opportunity to work from home several times a month or work a flex schedule. Going in late one day, while the kids are in school, will give you time to go for a walk or coffee. Dates don’t always have to be at night.

2. “I can’t leave my kids with anyone else.”

It is important to analyze why you are uncomfortable leaving your kids. Separation anxiety can play a role. But know that if kids pick up your anxiety about leaving them, it will reinforce their separation anxiety from you. This is a set-up for later problems such as sleepovers or summer camp. Kids need to feel secure in their knowledge that you are comfortable leaving them. That conveys trust and security, and they will internalize this so they feel secure in the world. Some parents are worried about abuse. I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s Protecting the Gift as a useful, sane approach to such fears: http://gavindebecker.com/resources/book/protecting_the_gift/

3. “I don’t want to be alone with my partner.”

Are you avoiding intimacy with your partner? When Jim and Nancy came to counseling, they hadn’t been on any dates since their four-year was born. And with him sleeping in their bed, they had little opportunity for intimacy in their home. When the family bed becomes a deterrent to intimacy, it may be time to transition to a big-boy bed. If you are ready to explore this, Dr. David O’Grady has developed the Snooze Easy Program, which has been very helpful to parents looking to make this change. Like all avoidance behaviors, the more you avoid something the more difficult it is to do. When it’s been a long time since you’ve been alone together, returning to that intimacy can feel awkward. You may feel shy around your partner; worse, over months or years of not feeling connected, negative feelings can build up, so putting the energy into setting up a date happens less and less. Avoidance establishes a self-reinforcing pattern.

4. “When I have free time, I want to spend it with my friends.”

Scheduling book groups, school meetings, or cocktails with friends while your partner stays home with the kids doesn’t give your relationship the time and investment needed to keep it healthy. Keeping up friendships is important. But if it precludes time alone with your partner, resentment can fester. When Nancy and Jim came to counseling, Jim was often away in the evenings. He went to sporting events with his friends, had occasional late meetings at work, and frequently stopped at the gym on his way home. Nancy felt like he had no time for her. And the result? She was resentful and bitter, which served to push Jim away more so that there was no compelling reason to say no to invitations after work.

Another way couples put friends first is to go out on dates, but with their couple friends. Having friends you both enjoy is a wonderful thing; joint outings to plays, sporting events, or supper clubs can be great for relationships. But if you find that these get-togethers constitute the majority of your time together, then you need to give your relationship some just-the-two-of-you time.

5. “It’s just easier to stay home.”

Routines, like having a drink, watching TV, or playing a computer game, are comfort activities, but they can lack engagement, imagination, and energy. Some couples will do these activities together –sharing the experience—which can be fun and bring closeness.

We get passive for many reasons. Inertia is a strong force in marriage, not least because we all develop routines as a matter of course, to simplify and organize our lives. Staying with routines is easy, on the surface: you don’t have to plan what to do, no need to call a sitter or spend any money. But there is danger in this passivity. Relationships need energy and time.

You can break through inertia in several ways. Prepare a list of things you can do together that you agree would be fun and affordable. Take turns planning dates. One week, Jim arranges childcare, makes reservations, etc.; the next, Nancy. Each partner gets a week off to just relax.

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Marriage and Idealism

In my practice, I often treat couples who have highly idealistic expectations about marriage. Does that sound contradictory? After all, idealism is romantic, and you need romance for a great marriage. If marriage isn’t just a partnership, but a meeting of souls, then something must be deeply wrong when you have petty disagreements. Soul mates never argue about where the thermostat should be set.

Soul Mate or Partners on Life’s Journey?

An article on Salon.com, reporting on a study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, explains this dilemma:

Researchers observed that while there are myriad ways people talk about love, two common ways of framing relationships — the “other half/soul mate” approach and the “our love is a journey, look how far we’ve come” approach — both contribute hugely to the way people view conflict in their relationships, but in nearly opposite ways. For people with we’re-on-a-journey view of their partners, everyday relationship struggles are just surmountable hurdles along the way. But for “soul mates,” conflicts are more difficult to deal with — after all, if two people are truly “made for each other,” why would they face any conflict in the first place?

This “soul mate” thinking is a set-up for disappointment since conflict is inevitable. But aside from the narratives with which we structure our understanding of love, there’s another cultural force that encourages over-idealism of marriage: the narcissistic message that anything less than “the best” is a gross insult. (Aren’t you worth the best?)

In the New York Times opinion page, psychoanalyst Joseph Burgo uses narcissistic home renovators as a comparison to marriage:

The relationship between such homeowners and their contractor often resembles an overly idealistic marriage that starts off well and founders in the face of reality. The inevitable construction delays cause frustration. Unanticipated problems always crop up. And most important, the real product usually falls short of that idealized, perfect vision with which the homeowners began.

Burgo identifies narcissism, or unhealthy self-absorption, as the root problem here; just as homeowners takes pride in and identify with their house and its showy declaration of status, narcissistic marriage partners see the other as a mirror reflecting the best image back to themselves. Any blemish on that mirror—like a disagreement—would confront the narcissist’s view of self-perfection. Giving up the need to be, and be seen as perfect can go a long way towards increasing happiness.

Giving up the Need for Your Partner to be Perfect

I recently heard from the wife of a couple I saw in marriage counseling a year ago. They were on the verge of divorce when they came to see me because of conflict over a grown son. It is not uncommon for couples to seek therapy once the kids are launched. The empty nest can bring to the fore, unresolved parental problems that got tabled for the sake of providing harmony in the home. During couples counseling, Theo and Harriet worked on some fundamental ways of handling their differences in how much financial support to give their adult son. They learned to manage conflict, to support each other and avoided getting ‘triangulated’ in their relationship. Over time, they found ways to express their appreciation and love more often–something that suffered because–as so often happens when raising kids–the children get the majority of affection and attention. By the time their kids had left home, they were out-of-practice in showing their love for each other.

When therapy was concluded, Theo and Harriet had better skills to cope as a team, with the challenges in handling issues with their son. They downsized and moved to Oregon. About a year later, Theo phoned me requesting several phone sessions after the birth of a grandchild brought up old hurts. We were quickly able to resolve the problem because they had a structure in place to deal with conflict and just needed to talk it over and remember what they already knew. But something else happened during that process that shifted them into a deeper place of understanding, acceptance, and love. Harriet gave me permission to quote the letter she wrote to me.

So, here is my key conclusion: I believe that every conflict is multi- (multi-!!) faceted. We can lock onto one dominant element of that conflict, and make it all about that, but that is not accurate. I believe we demonstrate our growing intelligence and personal abilities by learning to examine and include more and more of these many facets into our consideration: our humanity; our upbringing; our personality; our failings; our needs; our goals; our stress; our desires; our fears; etc. etc.

 I believe Theo is a loving, good human being – as I believe myself to be. With that, in my opinion, necessary foundation, I believe we can move forward now. Rather than basic civility, I hope we treat each other kindly and respectfully; acknowledging to ourselves and those around us that we are life-long partners. I hope every day is one of communication and support. Thank you again, Susan.    I’m feeling pretty strong right now; encouraged to move forward, but I always benefit from our conversations no matter what.”

Expressing Love in Different Ways

In a different case, a conflict escalated over several years when the ‘honeymoon’ phase settled into a more realistic partnership. Jenny, a self-proclaimed romantic, felt her husband didn’t love her anymore, and wanted counseling to end the marriage. Jenny’s romantic ideals meant that love always had to be expressed in elaborate ways. Homemade cards with hand-written poems, special baked treats, candles, flowers, music—this was how she believed soul mates express their love. Because her husband Dave could barely remember to buy a Hallmark card, she felt unloved.

Our sessions brought out, though, that Dave did plenty of other things to show Jenny that he loved her. He performed a myriad of unpleasant household chores that he knew Jenny hated, like taking out the compost. He cut back on gaming to spend more time with her. He left her the last cookie. Jenny came to see this and was also able to admit that part of why she idealized big romantic gestures was so she could brag to her girlfriends about them. When Jenny stopped demanding Dave fit her ideals and make her look good, and started appreciating Dave on his own terms, the marriage got better—and, since Dave felt more loved and appreciated, he was able to start addressing some flaws he did have. “He’s my teammate, not my soul mate,” said Jenny in our last session.

 

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Seeing How Childhood Patterns Affect Marriage

 

Couples Therapy and Family of Origin
Learning about Relationships by Watching Parents

When Mark and Judy came to see me for couples therapy, Judy felt frustrated by her husband’s constant angry mood. They rarely talked anymore, and she felt that any time she brought up a stress, the conversation quickly became a quid pro quo—who had the hardest day? Mark felt low-level irritability and frustration about his life as a parent, provider, and worker. He didn’t feel in control over his life, but rather, at its mercy. ”When do you relax? What do you do?” I asked. He answered, “I veg.”

“How do you veg?” I asked.

“I turn my back on my wife and small kids and look at my laptop, surfing the web, reading this or that,” he replied. Turning his back was Mark’s signal to his family not to bother him, his way of carving some space for himself in his small house. But did it work?

“It works for moments, maybe; they leave me alone, at least.”

But in turning away, Mark was missing the opportunity to turn toward anything enriching. The web gives ample opportunity to veg, plenty of material to inspire reverie, but the end result is not Whitman’s loafing that invites the soul. It is diffuse and at the end of the evening, empty. A one-click purchase was often the only way my client felt like he actually got something for himself.

 Spillover Stress: How it Damages a Relationship

And the next day would be just like the one before, full of stress and angry feelings. The psychological term “spillover” describes how stress can bleed into other aspects of life, especially in relationships. When someone is stressed because of the demands of daily life, they will carry that stress home, like a heavy briefcase they can’t put down. If someone is disconnected from himself or herself because the demands of life feel so heavy, they lose connection to their inner self, the soul.

Using Reverie and Daydreams as an Alternative to Surfing the Web

Returning to my client, I invited him to consider the benefits of reverie. To daydream, to muse with no clear focus, to allow the mind to wander with its spirals and twists—that can be a wonderful thing. “Loaf and invite the soul,” wrote Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass. We need moments in the day with no one—not even ourselves—looking over our shoulders and monitoring our productivity. We need time where we can let ourselves slip into that pleasant, non-productive time with nothing to do but allowing thoughts, feelings, and images to freely enter and leave our minds.

So why not put the briefcase down, take the weight and the ache away? In Mark’s case, as we explored his feelings more deeply, he revealed guilt: Guilt about taking time for himself. Guilt about not being 100 percent there for his wife and kids. In therapy, we explored some reasons for this.

 Going Deeper Within the Context of Couples Therapy

Through his boyhood and teenage years, Mark was what therapists call a “parentified child.” His mother suffered from a degenerative disease. His father worked to support the family on a meager budget, despite working two jobs. Mark had to care for his mother, feed her, and stay home while the other kids were out playing.

He got the message that taking anything for himself when his poor mother had nothing—no mobility, no joy, and no friends—was selfish. He carried this guilt into adulthood without realizing that now, as a parent himself, he was recreating his childhood pattern and taking care of everyone but himself.

While at first glance Mark and his wife Judy’s marriage looked like that of a typically bickering couple, it wasn’t that simple. Just teach them some communication skills, give some homework, and let them go on their merry way? NO. Unless the two understood Mark’s guilt and the reasons behind it, no real, lasting change could be made in their marriage. They would fall back into old patterns six months or less after completing couples therapy.

In Mark’s case, Judy listened quietly at first then interjected, “But I do give you space—I tell you go see your friends one evening after work, go the gym…” Mark had heard her say this countless times since their daughters were born. The conversation was an old one and never changed. When people have the same fight over and over, they become bitter and hopeless. Thoughts of divorce enter along with feelings of self-pity. “Another partner would not treat me this way,” each might think.

 Stepping Out of Gridlock Takes Patience and Time

To step out of a gridlocked conflict such as this one takes patience and time. Couples counseling creates a space for partners to explore some of the not-so-obvious dynamics of their relationship with empathy, putting grudges aside long enough to really see your spouse in a different light. It provides an opportunity to see patterns on many levels: communication with your partner, your relationship to your parents, and how those layers interact with each other to create difficulties in loving.

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Six Ground Rules for Introducing a New Girlfriend or Boyfriend to Your Kids

hiding from emotions is never a good strategy

When is it okay to introduce your kids to a date after divorce or separation?

This is a common question for newly separated or divorced parents. Like so many things involving children after divorce, the answer is “it all depends.” But there are a few ground rules that can help in the transition to dating.

In evaluating when to let children know about a new romantic partner, the goal is always to protect the child’s psychological best interests. Much depends on the child’s age and the quality of your relationship before and after your separation. As noted in a previous post, watching parents treat each other with disrespect and lack of affection harms kids even more than having to shuffle between two homes.

Everyone is different with regard to dating readiness. Some people will wait for months, some for years. Consider, though, that when a relationship has been unhappy, it’s important to give yourself time before jumping right into Match.com or eHarmony. Make use of this found time alone when you do not have the kids. Get to know yourself again. People are often surprised to discover that they can enjoy a kid-free weekend or weeknight without feeling guilty. Many have said it is an unsuspected silver lining in divorce. Time alone without kids is often a rarity in marriages where fathers and mothers both devote themselves to family life and the nurture and growth of their children.

Individual psychotherapy during this period can help you to reclaim the parts of yourself that have been lost or damaged. Taking this opportunity before dating again will help you, your kids, and your eventual romantic partner. No one wants to date someone on the rebound from a marriage. Dating to fill the void or to build your self-esteem will not work in the long term, bringing more harm than comfort.

Eventually, the time will come when you feel ready to explore relationships again. When the transition to living separately is established and custody has been worked out, agreed upon, and is going smoothly, parents will begin to think about dating.

Keep in mind the following suggestions to help you, your kids, and your ex ease into this new and often threatening territory.

Some Guidelines for Dating Post-Divorce

1. Children need to establish a routine with each parent. This is best done when the custodial parent is fully present, undistracted by a romantic interest.

2. Dating should be done during non-custodial times. The introduction of a new partner is often confusing to young children, especially during the first year after a divorce. In older kids, who may be exploring their own sexuality, seeing their parent with another partner can make them feel self-conscious and embarrassed.

3. It is important to not create a climate of anxiousness about where they belong in each parent’s lives. Children need to feel like they come first. If a romantic partner is introduced too soon, this sense of secure attachment will be compromised and can create anxiety.

4. Do not bring a partner home for the night on your evening with your child. Waking up in the morning and seeing that a parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend has slept over can be confusing and hurtful. Kids will feel an allegiance to their other parent and will feel protective of them, fearing they’d be hurt by knowing that there is someone else in the house.

5. When the time comes to date openly, it is a courtesy to inform the other parent. Letting your ex-partner know that you are dating and want to introduce a serious relationship to your children allows the non-dating partner to process this news without being blind-sided, for example by seeing you with another person at children’s events. Do not let your children be the ones to tell the other parent that mommy or daddy has a new love, and certainly don’t ask them to keep secrets from their other parent. They should not be put in this position. When children innocently expose this information, it can engender angry and painful reactions that can cause the children to feel guilty, sad, and embarrassed.

6. Always treat your ex-partner with respect whether their non-custodial parent is present or not. Kids learn from watching. When you begin to date, show respect to your ex-partner and to your children by not flaunting your new partner. Respect boundaries with regard to public displays of affection. For an ex-spouse to see their former partner kissing during a recreational event will most likely cause anger or hurt. It is common for one party to feel jealous or possessive when they realize that their former spouse is dating. This is a tender time for everyone. Remember to be kind and respectful to each other. This role-modeling will help your children to assimilate a new person into their lives in a healthy way.