O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Are you texting your partner too much? 6 Ways Texting Can Be Inappropriate in Your Relationship

With smartphones, our partner is just a text away. That’s not always a good thing. Sure, texting is a great way of communicating information quickly and efficiently, such as ”Don’t forget eggs,” or “I’m running late, see you in 10,” or “Call me, we need to talk.”

But just like answering machines and voicemail in their day, texting can be a way to avoid conversation. Leave a quick message, and you won’t have to talk to the person on the other end. You don’t have to deal with the messy non-verbal cues that might lead you to feel cut off, criticized, or ignored. Texting is sometimes a way to check out of intimacy. And obsessive texting, just as in obsessively checking email or social media, can be a way to avoid the person you’re actually with.

When not used to avoid, texting can be a means of checking up on and controlling your partner. The Wall Street Journal article “I’m OK, You’re Needy” (Elizabeth Bernstein, July 15, 2013) looks at how neediness can show itself in the form of constant texting. (Ironically, younger people—those most likely to text—may not recognize the title of the article as a takeoff from I’m OK, You’re OK, a popular self-help psychology book by Thomas A. Harris, MD [1967].) When one partner feels worried about where their spouse is, who they are with, and what they are doing, they may text as a way to check up on them. When they don’t get a response, they will text again and again. This only serves to irritate their partner.

In my work as a couples counselor, I often see clients use texting not for better communication but as a replacement for conversation or a way to check up on partners. That’s not healthy.

Here are a few ways that texting can be inappropriate in your relationship.

1. Having a dialogue that goes back and forth in paragraph form.

2. Texting angrily to tell your partner off so you don’t have to engage in a face-to-face discussion.

3. Venting, swearing and cussing to avoid taking responsibility for holding up your end of a two-way talk.

4. Texting to avoid hearing something you don’t want to hear. You can always feel in the right if you avoid a real dialogue.

5. Texting to check up on your partner. Where are they and why haven’t they called or responded to your text?

6. Needing to feel constantly connected so you don’t have to feel alone.

Meaningful conversation takes openness and a desire to hear your partner’s views, thoughts, and feelings.

The happiest relationships have a good balance of talking with each other about the day’s events or stresses—and time to be with each other and not having to talk. If you are texting your partner multiple times in a day, and repeating the same comments or questions, then take the time to reflect on why you feel the need to keep the texts coming. Are you lonely, insecure, worried about what your partner is doing? Are they faithful? Do they love you? Are they having fun with someone else? Just taking a few moments to ask yourself these questions may serve to inhibit your reflex urge to send a text.

Then, notice how you feel. Are you feeling emotionally and physically stressed? If so, take some time to calm yourself. Make a note to yourself to ask your question or make your comment at the next opportunity to have a real conversation. Make time to talk on the phone—or (gasp) talk in person.

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How Anger Hurts Relationships

Getting angry…is easy and everyone can do it; but doing it . . . in the right amount, at the right time, and for the right end, and in the right way is no longer easy, nor can everyone do it. —Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics (II.9, 1109a2

Managing Conflict Rather than Eliminating Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any long-term relationship. In the Gottman approach to couples counseling, we help clients understand that conflict is normal. Rather than eliminating conflict, we help them learn to manage it. Why can’t all conflicts be resolved? Because backgrounds and personalities don’t match exactly. Couples will always have some areas of disagreement: neat/tidy, disorganized/scheduled, emotionally expressive/keeps feelings inside, to name a few. Even two tidy people may disagree on who does more work around the house or, perhaps, what cleaning routine to follow.

By the time couples come to counseling, they have often been having the same argument in different forms for many years. The issue has become gridlocked—and just as drivers stuck in traffic feel angry and frustrated, partners who can’t move beyond an issue start having negative feelings about each other and the relationship.

Learning to Listen Without Anger

Anger is often the result of feeling misunderstood. When one partner feels like they are not being heard on a particular issue, and they likewise have trouble listening to their partner’s point of view, anger simmers, sometimes for years—finally coming to a roaring boil.

Jim and Joan came to counseling because she felt he stopped participating in the family years ago. Meanwhile, Jim felt disenfranchised. His views and opinions on how they were raising the kids were ignored and he felt he was “just a paycheck.” Joan felt he had checked out and was uninterested in her, the kids, or their home. They were both angry; they both felt the other was wrong. When they tried to discuss this problem it always escalated to screaming and yelling, often within earshot of the kids.

When they started couples counseling, they had had this same fight many, many times. Jim would withdraw; Joan would become more focused on her friends and the women in the neighborhood, whom she confided in and got support from. Joan and Jim were emotionally estranged. Not surprisingly, intimacy, both emotional and physical, had come to a grinding halt.

Gridlocked Problems: Begining to Compromise

When I listened to them discussing a variation of this gridlocked problem, I saw that each became angry quickly, and the result was they stopped listening to the other. Joan would lecture and Jim would face the other way, clamming up. People have many ways of expressing anger: he was seething inside quietly, and she was ranting loudly, but both were angry.

I stopped them when this happened and had them take just a few minutes to calm themselves. To go from anger to calm by learning to self-soothe is an important skill in all relationships, but especially in marriage. It can take just a few minutes to do this. This isn’t about swallowing or denying anger; the trick is to then re-engage in the conflict discussion with a more receptive and less defensive tone.

Staying angry is much easier, but “doing it in the right amount, at the right time, and for the right end, and in the right way” (as Aristotle said) produces quite different results when dealing with a perpetual problem. It is okay to be angry. But understanding why you are angry, and learning to express your feelings in a way that is clear and void of the four horsemen will lead to a very different conversation with a different outcome. Once Joan and Jim learned to talk about their conflicts without getting flooded, they listened to each other with deeper respect for the other’s feelings. This is the first step in learning to compromise.

Practicing self-soothing is something you can do at any age, and at just about any time. Listen to this simple three-minute ”breathing space” to feel the difference in your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations when you take just a few minutes out of a difficult situation. For it is not just the repeated, unmanaged fights that damage the relationship, but the skewed and distorted perceptions that keep you stuck in gridlock, stewing, for years—over the same issue.

Try this brief relaxation exercise:  Three Minute Mindfulness

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140 Characters or Less: The Three-Sentence Rule in Communication

 

Couples frequently come to therapy complaining of communication problems. Conflicts don’t get resolved. Intimacy has left the relationship. They lead parallel lives. The focus is on the kids, or their work or friends, but not each other.

During the first session of couples counseling, I take a history of the relationship and ask them to talk about a current problem for ten minutes. Invariably one partner will dominate the discussion. In subsequent sessions, I see the same thing.

For instance, Jody and Tom came to couples therapy because Jody feels Tom never listens to her. She is upset because he tunes her out and doesn’t open up about his thoughts and feelings. Observing Jody and Tom for a few minutes gives an important clue to why they have come to this place in their relationship: Jody talks a lot. In fact, she talks in paragraphs—even pages. She is animated, eager to express herself. Tom sinks into the sofa, shoulders hunched in resignation as Jody takes over the conversation. There is no doubt that she has important points to make and makes them well, but Tom doesn’t get a chance to speak. When I prompt Jody to let Tom speak, he gets a couple of sentences out, and then Jody interrupts, speaking for him.

Who Talks More in Your Relationship?

I have seen this scenario over and over again in my work with couples. Do women talk more than men? This is a controversial issue and many factors come into play. American neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine reported that the average man speaks about 7,000 words a day, while the average woman clocks in at 20,000. My observations would bear that out, although admittedly, I see a skewed sample. However, I don’t think it is a genetic or neurological issue so much as a relationship one.

The very thing that Jody wants from Tom is closeness, but she doesn’t give him a chance to talk. The pattern gets further entrenched as Tom’s unexpressed resentment grows and he retreats into his own thoughts, which often see Jody in a negative light. This perpetuates the cycle, with Jody seeing him in turn as distant and aloof. Furthering the pattern is a subtle dynamic at play: as Jody sees Tom’s discomfort and reluctance, she talks for him—letting him off the hook, so to speak.

They each have a role to play in this dynamic but are not aware of their roles.
Using a variety of interventions, I have Jody and Tom change the way they talk and listen. I frequently invoke what I call the “three-sentence rule” for the partner who dominates the conversation. When they come to see the pattern, this rule is met with chuckles and relief. Jody doesn’t really want to do all the talking, and Tom wants a chance to be listened to.

Reciprocity is Essential to Good Communication

Lately, because of the popularity of Twitter, I suggest a rule of 140 characters or less. Tech-savvy couples know this means to limit talk to the most pertinent points, usually in three sentences. Pause. Give your partner a chance to respond. Resume. Reciprocity is essential to good communication. As Tom expresses himself more, Jody can relax and feel less need to control the conversation. In this way, couples learn more about each other, bringing closeness and, in time, greater intimacy. Couples are often surprised to see their patterns of communication are changeable.

So if you catch yourself speaking in paragraphs abounding with run-on sentences, stop and let your partner have a chance to speak. You may be surprised by what you learn from each other.

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Honoring Each Other’s Dreams: Create Shared Meaning

For Greater Intimacy, Stay in Touch With Hopes and Dreams

“Like everything which is not the involuntary result of fleeting emotion but the creation of time and will, any marriage, happy or unhappy, is infinitely more interesting than any romance, however passionate.” W.H. Auden

Any committed relationship involves struggle and growth. Handling conflict successfully together, though, both depends on and helps produce a deep knowledge of your partner—and that will surely make for an interesting marriage.

Psychologists use the term “presenting problem” to refer to the reason people seek therapy. In couples counseling, the presenting problem is likely to be some crisis such as an affair or a problem with a child. But often it is the underlying lack of emotional and sexual connection that brings people to counseling.

During the initial interview, a couple will often say some variation on “We feel like roommates; there is no excitement or passion anymore.” They are living parallel lives, focusing on their kids or other pastimes that don’t involve connecting emotionally to each other. They come to therapy with patchy knowledge of each other’s hopes and dreams.

Work-Life Balance in Relationships

Sherry and Tim are an example of a couple that has lost touch with each other. Sherry explains, “My job demands all my attention. When I come home, I’m exhausted—all I want is to have some time alone. Being close feels like an effort, like another job. Even just sitting next to Tim on the sofa, I can’t relax because he might take that as a sign I’m willing to have sex.” By avoiding sex, which has come to feel like another demand on her time, Sherry actually avoids even physical contact—the hugs and kisses that express and maintain affection. The unintended result of months, even years, of avoiding Tim is what makes these spouses feel like roommates. Feeling alone and unloved, Tim gets cranky and argumentative. Small disagreements escalate, leaving both Sherry and Tim disillusioned with their relationship.

Staying Close after the Initial Romance

In the dating stage and through the early phases of a relationship, couples share their life aspirations, hopes, and dreams. Staying connected comes naturally. In time—after years of working and making a home to provide shelter and comfort, after surviving the early years of adjusting to having children—life’s challenges wear away at a couple, and they can wake up one morning and feel at a loss. Who is this person I married? (This question may be accompanied by an even deeper disconnect from one’s own inner life, but that’s a subject for another post.)

In couples counseling, one of the first steps is to find ways to get to know each other again. Couples therapists often suggest having a date night once a week. While it is important to spend time together regularly, often date night becomes just another stress in itself. Someone has to schedule it, someone has to arrange childcare, husband and wife may both be tired, and a movie plus dinner plus babysitting isn’t cheap, which may add financial stress. Add a few glasses of wine, and the table is set to rehash lingering hurts. The Four Horsemen come charging out across the restaurant and crashing into the dinner table. The date ends in disappointment, and worse, in more resentment. There’s nothing like resentment for an anti-aphrodisiac, so date night becomes fight night.

For Sherry and Tim to reconnect, they needed to remember why they married. During our sessions, Sherry and Tim were able to talk about what they appreciate about each other. Using a variety of Dr. Gottman’s interventions, such as “Expressing Fondness and Admiration” and “Relationship Enhancing Thoughts”, they were able to build back feelings toward each other that had become mired in the morass of negative thinking. Once they began to deconstruct the walls they had built, they were able to share hopes and dreams, leading to a deeper understanding of each other. Intimacy is grounded in honoring dreams and creating shared meaning in relationship.

Self-Care is Essential to a Close Relationship

Lifestyle changes, such as exercise and meditation helped Sherry to manage her stress from work and enjoy relaxing with Tim, instead of always needing alone time. Tim was able to see that Sherry’s way of de-stressing was to spend a little time alone after a hard day. Tim’s acceptance helped Sherry to feel understood, and Sherry’s relaxing helped Tim to feel loved.

These insights came because they took the time to face the scary thought that they had drifted apart. Couples therapy may not be easy, but it is often a relief to look each other in the eyes and talk about the difficult things in a safe setting. That’s important in moving toward intimacy after a long hiatus focusing on everything except each other. Rediscovering your friendship, and finding ways to talk about your hopes and dreams, will lead to honoring those dreams—and each other.

As Auden says, the marriage that has evolved through the creation of time and will is infinitely more interesting than any fleeting romance, no matter how passionate.
I will add to this by saying that a marriage can become both interesting and passionate. Getting to know each other’s hopes and dreams deeply, facing down life’s challenges together, both creates and sustains intimacy.

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Turning Toward Each Other to Maintain Your Relationship

Couples who show affection in simple ways like holding hands have more positive perspective on their relationships.
Love and Friendship

The Magic Five and One-half Hours a Week: 

How to strengthen your relationship by turning toward each other every day

Couples who make time for each other on a regular basis strengthen their relationship.  We often underestimate how important the seemingly small things are to the health of a marriage.  Small positive things done often make a big difference in how loved each partner feels.  Expressing fondness and appreciation every day for five minutes a day adds up to thirty-five minutes a week.  How silly this sounds when you actually add up the minutes!  But I can tell you that it works.

When a couple concludes couple’s counseling, a sure way to prevent relapse into old patterns is to keep in mind the following ‘magic’ behaviors.

 

Things You Can Do to Keep Your Relationship Healthy and Close

1. Affection:  Kiss, hold, touch each other.  Play is good.  Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep, and when you leave in the mornings.  Kissing when you come home at the end of the day is a ritual that many couples do, without much emotion attached to it.  It is still a good behavior but see if some of the time you can kiss and look each other in the eyes.  Linger a bit, but know that the rule applies that showing physical affection doesn’t mean sex.

2. Admiration and Appreciation: Find some way every day to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation for your partner.  A minimum would be five minutes a day each and every day.  Appreciations can be small acknowledgments such as, “Thanks for emptying the dishwasher” or “It feels really good to have you make me my favorite pasta tonight”.   Expressing admiration can be for big or little things, such as “I admire the way to handled the kids just now, you didn’t blow up the way I think I might have”, or “you look great today!”   Of course, don’t start pulling out the timer on your smartphone and timing these things.  The idea behind setting times is to help you understand that these small things add up—don’t short change your relationship by being stingy with affection, or expressions of fondness.

“It doesn’t count if it doesn’t come out of your mouth”.  Often we think things about our partners but don’t express it.  For reasons both complex and simple, people hold back their expressions of love, whether verbal or physical.  Couples get into habits of aloofness and distance.

3. Love Maps and Dates:  Date night is important because it lets you update love maps.  Every relationship needs at least two hours every week to be alone together.  Time to talk, to catch up on each other’s week, and to reconnect without the distraction of kids, or even other couples.  It is great to entertain together and solidify your community with friends, but don’t let this eat into your time together.  Couples often come to counseling confessing that they never have time alone with each other.  They are with their extended families, or the kids are around, or they have friends over to watch TV and have pizza. These activities are important and enriching, but should not be at the expense of time just the two of you.  Date night doesn’t have to be at night either.  You can schedule a lunch date once a week, or a morning walk.  Sometimes people say that they can’t afford to go out.  Paying for a babysitter, a movie, and dinner will add up fast.  Don’t let money be your excuse.  There are lots of free things to do – put time into thinking about ways to spend your time that doesn’t involve money.  A picnic or a trip to a museum on Free Day – but make time to brainstorm together.  If you don’t have family who can watch your kids, then ask other families to trade watching each other’s kids.  The kids enjoy play-date trades, and they may not consciously understand it, but seeing their parents take time away from them is good.  The world does not center on them.

When couples tell me they feel guilty leaving the kids, it is usually not the kids, but they who have trouble separating.

These are just a few of the things you can do to keep your relationship alive, and healthy.