O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Turning Toward Each Other Every Day: You Don’t Have to Wait for Date Night

Building closeness doesn’t happen only on date night, the subject of my previous two posts. Turning toward each other creates little and big ways to increase closeness—not just on dates, but in the routine tasks of life.

It’s easy to ignore the moments in a day when you can make a connection. For instance, when making a meal, we tend to stick to a routine; if our partner comes in to offer a hand, it is not uncommon for the cook to decline. That can be a missed opportunity to build some shared experience. It’s in a small way, but the small things will add up if they are done with sincerity.

When James and Lorie started therapy, they were barely speaking to each other. As a couple, they seemed to be DOA. But I have learned that in even the most damaged marriages, couples can turn things around and heal their relationship.

Division of Labor in Marriage Requires Flexibility

In conventional relationships, where one partner is the wage earner, and the other takes care of the kids and household, problems arise when chores become inflexibly assigned to the domain of just one partner, and the other is excluded. Both partners work hard at what they do, and when this arrangement works, it is terrific for everyone. But trouble stirs, when the roles or division of labor is too tightly woven, making for inflexibility.

In the case of James and Lorie, James worked long hours and was rarely home for meals with Lorie or their two sons. Lorie resented this but found ways to adapt by getting her needs met through her many friendships and social activities.  Meanwhile, James was irritated, feeling that Lorie putting her social life ahead of him.  When he was home, she was out at meetings. Over the years this patterned congealed into, both partners feeling increasingly that their roles were unappreciated. They felt disconnected.

I asked how James could help in the mornings by taking care of their sons, before school. They both rolled their eyes. James said, his “Lorie hates to have me in the kitchen.,” said James. Lorie confirmed this, saying, he “He comes in and tries to help with homework, or making breakfasts or lunches, but he just makes a mess. He takes everything out of the fridge and it just irritates me.” James is equally angry, saying, “ She has her way of doing things—nothing I do is ever right. ,” James added. “She is such a control freak.”

Over the years, he began to keep to himself, avoiding going into the kitchen, making it more difficult for him to connect with the boys. Yet being a family together in the mornings, —even when they are hectic, —can be an opportunity to turn toward each other. But in the case of James and Lorie, it created hard feelings.

 Making Everyday Tasks Joint Activities

Turning toward each other begins with the often trivial things we do daily, such as cooking dinner, cleaning up, and working in the garden. For James and Lorie, they decided to make an effort to be pleasant to each other. This wasn’t easy after so many years of tension. Lorie began to see how her judgmental attitudes toward James, were kept leaking out, on a regular basis. This affected their children. Kids who witness their parents showing disrespect to each other may end up having trouble with intimacy themselves. Lorie worked to be looser about James’ way of helping with the breakfast. She quit trying to micromanage their mornings. And rather than automatically slipping into resentful isolation, James swallowed his pride and asked Lorie for advice on how to get breakfast on the table, and began paying attention to the other details of morning routines.

Over time, they found activities they could do together, making even routine tasks opportunities to turn toward each other.
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Five Excuses Couples Use to Avoid Date Night

 1. “Hiring a sitter is too expensive.”

There are ways to minimize the expense of hiring a babysitter. A neighborhood teenager is probably the least expensive way to go; they’re usually happy to sit for less than the minimum wage of $8.00. Tipping will keep you in their good graces, but it doesn’t have to be a lot.

If hiring a sitter costs too much, or if there is no one in the neighborhood, then try asking for a babysitting trade with a trusted neighbor: “You watch my kids one Friday night, and we’ll watch yours the next Friday.” This way neighborhood kids get to know each other and each couple has a chance to get away.

If you have a good relationship with your family, asking them to stay with your kids is a way to cement family bonds.

Another possibility is taking the opportunity to work from home several times a month or work a flex schedule. Going in late one day, while the kids are in school, will give you time to go for a walk or coffee. Dates don’t always have to be at night.

2. “I can’t leave my kids with anyone else.”

It is important to analyze why you are uncomfortable leaving your kids. Separation anxiety can play a role. But know that if kids pick up your anxiety about leaving them, it will reinforce their separation anxiety from you. This is a set-up for later problems such as sleepovers or summer camp. Kids need to feel secure in their knowledge that you are comfortable leaving them. That conveys trust and security, and they will internalize this so they feel secure in the world. Some parents are worried about abuse. I highly recommend Gavin de Becker’s Protecting the Gift as a useful, sane approach to such fears: http://gavindebecker.com/resources/book/protecting_the_gift/

3. “I don’t want to be alone with my partner.”

Are you avoiding intimacy with your partner? When Jim and Nancy came to counseling, they hadn’t been on any dates since their four-year was born. And with him sleeping in their bed, they had little opportunity for intimacy in their home. When the family bed becomes a deterrent to intimacy, it may be time to transition to a big-boy bed. If you are ready to explore this, Dr. David O’Grady has developed the Snooze Easy Program, which has been very helpful to parents looking to make this change. Like all avoidance behaviors, the more you avoid something the more difficult it is to do. When it’s been a long time since you’ve been alone together, returning to that intimacy can feel awkward. You may feel shy around your partner; worse, over months or years of not feeling connected, negative feelings can build up, so putting the energy into setting up a date happens less and less. Avoidance establishes a self-reinforcing pattern.

4. “When I have free time, I want to spend it with my friends.”

Scheduling book groups, school meetings, or cocktails with friends while your partner stays home with the kids doesn’t give your relationship the time and investment needed to keep it healthy. Keeping up friendships is important. But if it precludes time alone with your partner, resentment can fester. When Nancy and Jim came to counseling, Jim was often away in the evenings. He went to sporting events with his friends, had occasional late meetings at work, and frequently stopped at the gym on his way home. Nancy felt like he had no time for her. And the result? She was resentful and bitter, which served to push Jim away more so that there was no compelling reason to say no to invitations after work.

Another way couples put friends first is to go out on dates, but with their couple friends. Having friends you both enjoy is a wonderful thing; joint outings to plays, sporting events, or supper clubs can be great for relationships. But if you find that these get-togethers constitute the majority of your time together, then you need to give your relationship some just-the-two-of-you time.

5. “It’s just easier to stay home.”

Routines, like having a drink, watching TV, or playing a computer game, are comfort activities, but they can lack engagement, imagination, and energy. Some couples will do these activities together –sharing the experience—which can be fun and bring closeness.

We get passive for many reasons. Inertia is a strong force in marriage, not least because we all develop routines as a matter of course, to simplify and organize our lives. Staying with routines is easy, on the surface: you don’t have to plan what to do, no need to call a sitter or spend any money. But there is danger in this passivity. Relationships need energy and time.

You can break through inertia in several ways. Prepare a list of things you can do together that you agree would be fun and affordable. Take turns planning dates. One week, Jim arranges childcare, makes reservations, etc.; the next, Nancy. Each partner gets a week off to just relax.

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Date Night: Making Time Together Part 1

Sharing tea or coffee during date night in marriage.Couples need time to be together without other couples, family, kids, TV, and the endless distractions of a digital world.

For many years I have suggested to the couples that they have two dates a week, minimum. One date can be an evening out, such as a movie or dinner. But it is essential that there be opportunity to talk. After seeing a movie, don’t just go home; go out afterwards for dessert or tea and discuss the show. A second weekly date should be something active, like a walk or hike, going dancing, or visiting a museum —anything that allows you to have a shared and active experience.

Date nights give you the opportunity to reconnect positively, without being distracted by  kids, stress, and other preoccupations When relationships deteriorate, it is often because couples haven’t carved out time together that is stress-free.

Date Nights Don’t Always Go As Expected

But what if you’re like Monique and Rob, a couple I saw who chose to go out to dinner and a movie every other week? Their time together didn’t go well; in fact, they felt worse after their dates than when they stayed home with the kids. When dates don’t live up to expectations for reconnection, this is  often because a couple use their date time to hash over stored-up resentments and go over all the stresses they are dealing with. These can be as innocuous as the teacher’s evaluation of their kid, or as big as an unexpected Visa bill. The date deteriorates into bickering, bitching, or nagging, which lead to feeling disappointed and irritated.

During the years our twins were young, we went out to dinner every Thursday night. We had a babysitter, a teenager in the neighborhood who charged a reasonable fee—the price of a burrito or two. She was eager to make some cash, and she was fun and energetic with our girls. We’d come home from our evening to find the kids fed, clean, and asleep.

The next morning the girls would describe the fun things they did together. Parents often mistakenly think that leaving their kids for the evening is cruel,  but in reality kids need a break from their parents as much as parents need a break from their kids. It is extremely important for your kids see that you have a life outside of them, and that they can survive with other adults or older teens. This protects your marriage and it helps kids learn to handle separation, a skill they need to learn before college.

Monique and Rob explored date night during one of their couple’s sessions. They realized that they were drinking too much at dinner. Alcohol may seem innocently relaxing and to increase feelings of amorousness, but all too often it does the opposite, exacerbating tense discussions. Monique had an important insight: that she was saving up all the negative issues to talk over during their one night alone together, since Rob was at work all day. Rob, in turn, felt bombarded and overwhelmed. He clammed up, leaving Monique feeling even more distant than before their evening out.

 Ways to Avoid Tension During Date Night

  1. Limit alcohol. Sharing a bottle of wine over dinner can cause tempers to flare.
  2. It’s OK to talk over important subjects, but don’t bring up your core areas of conflict (the family budget, your sex life), and don’t unload the week’s stresses and concerns. It’s tempting to do so because you finally have a moment when kids aren’t in earshot, but resist. Otherwise, date night will end before the movie starts.
  3. Instead, use the time together to update your love maps. Find out what has been interesting—not stressful— for your partner over the last week.
  4. Be attentive. Put the phone in your pocket, turn it off, and don’t check it. If you must keep it on for the sitter, then create a special ring tone and ignore other calls. When you go out, avoid distracting, noisy venues like a sports bar. Your’re here to listen to each other, not check the score.

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Marriage and Idealism

In my practice, I often treat couples who have highly idealistic expectations about marriage. Does that sound contradictory? After all, idealism is romantic, and you need romance for a great marriage. If marriage isn’t just a partnership, but a meeting of souls, then something must be deeply wrong when you have petty disagreements. Soul mates never argue about where the thermostat should be set.

Soul Mate or Partners on Life’s Journey?

An article on Salon.com, reporting on a study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, explains this dilemma:

Researchers observed that while there are myriad ways people talk about love, two common ways of framing relationships — the “other half/soul mate” approach and the “our love is a journey, look how far we’ve come” approach — both contribute hugely to the way people view conflict in their relationships, but in nearly opposite ways. For people with we’re-on-a-journey view of their partners, everyday relationship struggles are just surmountable hurdles along the way. But for “soul mates,” conflicts are more difficult to deal with — after all, if two people are truly “made for each other,” why would they face any conflict in the first place?

This “soul mate” thinking is a set-up for disappointment since conflict is inevitable. But aside from the narratives with which we structure our understanding of love, there’s another cultural force that encourages over-idealism of marriage: the narcissistic message that anything less than “the best” is a gross insult. (Aren’t you worth the best?)

In the New York Times opinion page, psychoanalyst Joseph Burgo uses narcissistic home renovators as a comparison to marriage:

The relationship between such homeowners and their contractor often resembles an overly idealistic marriage that starts off well and founders in the face of reality. The inevitable construction delays cause frustration. Unanticipated problems always crop up. And most important, the real product usually falls short of that idealized, perfect vision with which the homeowners began.

Burgo identifies narcissism, or unhealthy self-absorption, as the root problem here; just as homeowners takes pride in and identify with their house and its showy declaration of status, narcissistic marriage partners see the other as a mirror reflecting the best image back to themselves. Any blemish on that mirror—like a disagreement—would confront the narcissist’s view of self-perfection. Giving up the need to be, and be seen as perfect can go a long way towards increasing happiness.

Giving up the Need for Your Partner to be Perfect

I recently heard from the wife of a couple I saw in marriage counseling a year ago. They were on the verge of divorce when they came to see me because of conflict over a grown son. It is not uncommon for couples to seek therapy once the kids are launched. The empty nest can bring to the fore, unresolved parental problems that got tabled for the sake of providing harmony in the home. During couples counseling, Theo and Harriet worked on some fundamental ways of handling their differences in how much financial support to give their adult son. They learned to manage conflict, to support each other and avoided getting ‘triangulated’ in their relationship. Over time, they found ways to express their appreciation and love more often–something that suffered because–as so often happens when raising kids–the children get the majority of affection and attention. By the time their kids had left home, they were out-of-practice in showing their love for each other.

When therapy was concluded, Theo and Harriet had better skills to cope as a team, with the challenges in handling issues with their son. They downsized and moved to Oregon. About a year later, Theo phoned me requesting several phone sessions after the birth of a grandchild brought up old hurts. We were quickly able to resolve the problem because they had a structure in place to deal with conflict and just needed to talk it over and remember what they already knew. But something else happened during that process that shifted them into a deeper place of understanding, acceptance, and love. Harriet gave me permission to quote the letter she wrote to me.

So, here is my key conclusion: I believe that every conflict is multi- (multi-!!) faceted. We can lock onto one dominant element of that conflict, and make it all about that, but that is not accurate. I believe we demonstrate our growing intelligence and personal abilities by learning to examine and include more and more of these many facets into our consideration: our humanity; our upbringing; our personality; our failings; our needs; our goals; our stress; our desires; our fears; etc. etc.

 I believe Theo is a loving, good human being – as I believe myself to be. With that, in my opinion, necessary foundation, I believe we can move forward now. Rather than basic civility, I hope we treat each other kindly and respectfully; acknowledging to ourselves and those around us that we are life-long partners. I hope every day is one of communication and support. Thank you again, Susan.    I’m feeling pretty strong right now; encouraged to move forward, but I always benefit from our conversations no matter what.”

Expressing Love in Different Ways

In a different case, a conflict escalated over several years when the ‘honeymoon’ phase settled into a more realistic partnership. Jenny, a self-proclaimed romantic, felt her husband didn’t love her anymore, and wanted counseling to end the marriage. Jenny’s romantic ideals meant that love always had to be expressed in elaborate ways. Homemade cards with hand-written poems, special baked treats, candles, flowers, music—this was how she believed soul mates express their love. Because her husband Dave could barely remember to buy a Hallmark card, she felt unloved.

Our sessions brought out, though, that Dave did plenty of other things to show Jenny that he loved her. He performed a myriad of unpleasant household chores that he knew Jenny hated, like taking out the compost. He cut back on gaming to spend more time with her. He left her the last cookie. Jenny came to see this and was also able to admit that part of why she idealized big romantic gestures was so she could brag to her girlfriends about them. When Jenny stopped demanding Dave fit her ideals and make her look good, and started appreciating Dave on his own terms, the marriage got better—and, since Dave felt more loved and appreciated, he was able to start addressing some flaws he did have. “He’s my teammate, not my soul mate,” said Jenny in our last session.

 

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Marriage & Acceptance: Crooked Timbers

Perfectionism is a personality trait that can have positive results: perfectionists work hard to get things right and aren’t satisfied with anything less. But people can also make themselves miserable with unrealistic, unmeetable expectations, and this misery expands outward when perfectionist standards are applied to relationships.

David Brooks, a political and cultural commentator for the New York Times, had an interesting take on this concept recently (in response to a blog post by Lydia Netzer).

We are, to varying degrees, foolish, weak, and often just plain inexplicable — and always will be. As Kant put it: “Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing was ever made.”

People with a crooked timber mentality tend to see life as full of ironies. . . . Marriage is ironic because you are trying to build a pure relationship out of people who are ramshackle and messy.

 It is Wiser to Work with the Flaws Than to Expect Perfection

Rather than beginning with the assumption that relationships (or the people in them) should be perfect, it’s wiser to accept that relationships are bound to be flawed, and work with the flaws you have. But what do you do, one of my clients might say when someone’s flaws really annoy you? Does this mean just gritting your teeth and putting up with it?

In a word, no. The key is to change negative perceptions by focusing on good aspects of the relationship and adopting a perspective of “we-ness.” As Brooks goes on to say:

People with a crooked timber mentality are anti-perfectionist. When two people are working together there are bound to be different views, and sometimes you can’t find a solution so you have to settle for an arrangement. You have to design structures that have a lot of give, for when people screw up.

For example, my clients Jay and Becca were fighting because Becca felt that the ideal family always had Sunday dinner together, while for Jay, Sundays meant all-day downtime, just like his father had always enjoyed. For each, Sundays were special, but in very different ways. Jay thought Becca was a nag who didn’t want him to relax, and Becca thought Jay was being selfish and denying their kids the great experience she’d had growing up.

Develop Your Partnership, Your We-ness

I asked them how they could cultivate an attitude of “we-ness” on this issue, instead of defending their positions as obviously right and sacred. What were some relationship-enhancing ways to think differently about the situation?

After some thought, Jay offered “I appreciate how Becca wants to build a strong family with good traditions.” In turn, Becca was able to say “I like how relaxed Jay is on his off Sundays; he has more fun playing with the kids and it’s good for us all.”

Eventually, Jay and Becca could agree on alternating Sundays for the big family dinner. Thanks to their new perspective on we-ness, neither one felt as if they were letting standards down, but rather, developing new ones as a family.

In relationships, don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.