O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Ways to Increase Fondness and Admiration

The Sound Relationship House Part 3: Ways to Increase Fondness and Admiration

We use many of these tools for increasing fondness and admiration in couples counseling, but you can use them to good effect without being in therapy. The most important thing to remember is that changing your relationship takes care and attention. Beginning to practice skills that increase the positive interactions and decrease the negative will not be a straight course. There will be zigs and zags because old habits take time to eliminate. But the beauty of making these changes a priority is that both partners are working together and taking responsibility for the quality of their marriage.

 Six Ways You Can Improve Your Relationship

The following list is adapted from Dr. John Gottman’s book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last (1995).

 

  1. Show interest. Smartphones and tablets are as prevalent as TV used to be, claiming attention in the form of online news, games, email, or Facebook; some uses are work- or kid-related, but others are just distractions. All can serve to divert attention from each other. Make sure you have your partner’s attention before talking. Something as simple as eye contact goes a long way. I have worked with couples that rarely look at each other, maybe for days, yet are unaware that this is happening. Showing interest means looking, seeing, and listening with interest.
  2. Be affectionate. You don’t have to give each other a 30-minute back rub to increase affection. And daily affection should not be performed just as a means to get more sex. As I mentioned in a previous post, it is important to show non-sexual affection on a regular basis. Holding hands, walking arm in arm, or sitting side by side are all simple ways to increase affection. Hugs and kisses are obvious ways to show affection—but be creative. When a marriage runs into trouble, partners have often stopped physical touch. Bringing touch back will feel good to both the giver and the receiver.
  3. Show you care. During therapy, I have a couple look over a list of things they would like their partner to do for them. This list has examples of big and small activities that reinforce caring behavior. A small one might be calling during the afternoon and checking in, or stopping at the market and picking up something for dinner. If such activities have become routine, then think of other things you would like, but don’t be extravagant. These activities should be relatively easy to perform and repeat.
  4. Be empathic. One of the exercises we do in couple’s therapy is The Stress Reducing Conversation. This consists of letting your partner talk for a solid 10-minutes without interrupting, except to express interest, support, and show concern. Showing that you can understand what your partner is facing at work or with a family member helps them feel supported.
  5. Be accepting. Our instinct is to correct, criticize, and instruct. It is important to listen without jumping in too much. Dr. John Gottman’s term for the four most harmful communication styles that threaten a relationship is The Four Horsemen. One of the most destructive of these is Contempt. Signs of contempt are correcting your partner’s grammar during a heated discussion or rolling your eyes when they speak.
  6. Play together. Life involves many chores and tasks that are unavoidable. Find ways to play and joke around. It is important to have a date night or afternoon, but don’t always go to dinner and a movie; sometimes a movie is like parallel play, something you do alongside rather than together. Spend time in activities that make you both laugh. Think of things that were fun when your relationship was new. Playing together creates a bond that is unique to your relationship. We can have friends for many different activities, but with your partner, make sure you share joy and light-heartedness.

 

 

 

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The Sound Relationship House: Sharing Fondness and Admiration

Love is Nurtured by Expressing Fondness & Admiration 

Sharing Fondness and Admiration

In the previous post, I described the first foundation level of the Sound Relationship House: friendship and appreciation. Another important concept in developing and maintaining a strong friendship system  is sharing fondness and admiration.

The Magic Ratio

In Dr. John Gottman’s research, he found that couples don’t need to be perfect, having nothing but positive interactions, but there is an optimal level of positive interactions to negative ones. The magic ratio is 5 to 1. We need to have five times as much positive feeling and behavior with our partners as negative. This seems like an easy ratio to maintain, but we know from research that couples wait an average of seven years after they’re aware of a problem in their marriage before seeking counseling. That’s a lot of water under the bridge, and a lot of time to sway the magic ratio in the opposite direction.

Express What You Admire and Love

But there is a way to reverse this negative direction and rebuild the relationship’s emotional bank account. Remember what first attracted you to your partner and begin to nurture those thoughts, memories, and feelings. Express what you admire and love. As a couples’ therapist I frequently say, “It doesn’t count if it doesn’t come out of your mouth.” We can think that our mate looks great in his jeans, or that she is the most articulate person at the party, but if we don’t say it to her then it doesn’t build that bank account—so that when crisis comes, as it inevitably does in life, we have nothing to drawn upon. Our emotional resources are depleted and we fall more deeply into hopelessness about our relationship.

When couples have let their relationship go, it takes time and attention to make it healthy again. Just as eating well for a week will not change your stroke risk, sharing fondness and admiration for a short time will not immediately change your marriage. This is why in couples counseling we work on many levels of the relationship at a time. Each partner must look at what they bring to the table. The fault is never with just one partner.

 What Happens When You Neglect Your Relationship

Sam and Lara were both thinking of divorce when they made their first therapy appointment. Both felt unloved. They had stopped spending any time together other than eating dinner in front of the TV after their long days spent doing their daily activities in robot-like manner. Chauffeuring and supervising the kids’ activities; cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, and other household chores; paying bills—all got done with almost perfect results. As Lara said, “We run a well-oiled ship.”

So what went missing?  Sam and Laura had stopped expressing fondness and admiration for one another. They’d taken each other for granted and didn’t pay the kind of appreciative, close attention that had marked their courtship.  They’d fallen into bad habits.

Fortunately, Sam and Lara were able to use the tools of couples counseling to change their habits and enhance their relationship. Each started paying closer attention to the day-to-day things their partner did that had typically gone unnoticed. Sam began to tell Lara how much he enjoyed how she interacted with the kids and how she made their home a place of harmony for the whole family. Lara was able to listen to Sam’s concerns with his job and began to express the positive things she saw in him. This served to enhance self-esteem for both. The ratio of positive to negative interactions gradually shifted closer to the magic ratio.

In my next post, I’ll talk about some simple ways to increase fondness and admiration in your relationship.

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The Sound Relationship House: Friendship and Appreciation

The Sound Relationship: Part 1

 

A great marriage needs a strong foundation. Remember the story of the three little pigs? The first little pig built his house of straw and the second made his house with wood. The third pig built his house of brick while the first two pigs played, taunting him for working so hard.

When the big bad wolf came to blow their houses down, the first two pigs ran to the third pig’s home and sheltered there, safe and secure from the wolf.

Big bad wolves can come to marriage at any time, in lots of forms: an out-of-the-blue life crisis such as an affair, job loss, or death of a loved one, for example. Or it can come as a slow erosion of love. Whether suddenly or slowly, events such as these can strain a marriage to the point of dissolution. But if your house is strong, then these crises don’t have to end your relationship. In this post, I’ll present two techniques for shoring up the relationship house’s foundations.

  Love Maps: Knowing and Being Known

Based on his research, Dr. John Gottman has defined what makes a strong relationship, and he illustrates this concept by using the metaphor of a house with seven floors. The bottom floor is the Friendship System because partners must be friends to have a good marriage. That friendship can become damaged if partners don’t stay in touch with each other’s lives.

In the courtship stage of a relationship, we learn everything we can about our partners, like favorite TV shows or best friends. Gottman-style couples therapists call this kind of knowledge “love maps.” But as years go by, couples can forget to keep asking; staying in touch gets lost in the shuffle of life. In my previous post on love maps, I emphasized the importance of updating these maps as we age. What was significant to your partner five years ago may not be today. How well do you know your partner, and do you feel known? Are you updating your love maps throughout the years?

Examples of love map questions that I give couples on the first session include “What are your partner’s hobbies?” and “Who is your partner’s favorite relative?” There are sixty-two questions and in most cases, it’s a fun assignment. The ground rules are that if a person doesn’t know the correct answer, you tell them—you don’t ridicule or criticize them for not knowing. It’s an opportunity to update your love maps, not a test.

Expressing Appreciation is Essential

We enter into marriage with the blush of new love, assuming that life together will be easy and smooth. We know our partner and frequently express gratitude and admiration.

Life takes a toll on even the best relationships. Normal and expectable stressors such as children, aging parents, and job problems can consume the time a couple needs to stay close. When we are depleted by these normal stresses of living, we can forget to express our appreciation for what our partner does. Tasks such as making dinner, shopping for groceries, and picking the kids up from daycare become routine and therefore go unacknowledged.

But the happiest relationships liberally express appreciation for both the big and little things. Saying “thank you for going to the dry cleaners today” or “I appreciate that you called the sitter” seem like small things, but in saying them we help secure our foundation.

Knowing each other through updated love maps and expressing appreciation for one another strengthens a marriage against big bad wolves.

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Sex and Kissing in Relationships

Why is kissing important? We need to feel connected in our intimate relationships and kissing is, or should be, an easy way to build and maintain the shared meaning that keeps us feeling that we are partners, not roommates. In ongoing relationships, kissing can be not just a prelude to sex, but how couples say goodbye in the morning and greet each other when they return home.

Even some animals do something like kissing, in what an evolutionary biologist quoted in a New York Times blog post calls “’an affiliative gesture.” Researchers on human relationships like Dr. John Gottman would include kissing among the “Rituals of Connection, or standard and every-day ways the couple connects and feels bonded to each other. “ Kissing is so intimate that many sex workers refuse to perform it.

  Why Does Kissing Disappear in Long-term Relationships?

Considering how well kissing builds connection, why might kissing disappear in long-term relationships?

One problem might be bad kissing. This can ruin a relationship before it even has a chance to start: I have heard many women complain that their date kissed with a wide-open mouth, teeth clicking together. If a prospective partner has poor oral hygiene, bad breath can spell disaster. Too much slobber or spit isn’t sexy unless lovemaking has become deeply passionate. One woman I worked with complained that her date’s tongue went too far down her throat and made her feel choked—a deal breaker.

 Bad Kissing

But even those in long-term relationships can face problems such as oral hygiene or bad kissing habits. Addressing the subject, whether with a date or spouse, is awkward and uncomfortable, but all is not lost. Kissing can be learned together. Just as in learning what your partner likes in bed, kissing is something that can be made better, with practice and a little humor.

 Non-Sexual Kissing is Important

Another reason couples might stop kissing is when one partner avoids touching their mate because of fear it will set the expectation for sex. Kissing, cuddling, and caressing in nonsexual ways is important; not all touch should lead to sex. If this has become a pattern, it’s crucial to talk about this.

When Jack and Judy came to counseling, they had been having sex once or twice a year. Jack was nearing forty years old and realized that although he loved Judy, he didn’t want a sexless marriage. Judy was focused on their two sons, involved in PTA, volunteering in the classroom, and making a comfortable home for ”her boys.”

Jack stated in therapy that although everything else in their marriage was good, he would not live without sex forever.  As much as the idea of divorce hurt him, he was considering it, if things didn’t get better. He would not go outside the marriage to get sex and masturbation wasn’t a substitute for the physical need to be with Judy.

 Counseling Provides a Safe Place to Talk About Sex

In counseling, although the two had not talked openly about sex for many years, they were able to talk about their feelings without feeling attacked or judged. Judy expressed, for the first time, that she felt repulsed by oral sex due to a young cousin’s history of sexual abuse. Jack was surprised and assured her that he didn’t need that in their lovemaking. Judy was also able to articulate that she felt turned off by some of Jack’s attempts to initiate sex. Grabbing her breasts or slapping her butt while she was cooking dinner turned her off, making her feel like an object. Her body was her body, not his to grab impulsively. Jack was unaware that these behaviors caused her to feel this way.

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Passion and Romance in Marriage: How it Goes Sour

Would you choose gelato over non-fat frozen yogurt? Most of us would say gelato, even knowing that it is an unhealthy choice. Long-term marriage versus an affair? Most would choose a good, healthy marriage over a fleeting affair. But that choice depends on many variables. Is your marriage healthy? Do you still have passion, romance, and intimacy? If your relationship has lost its passion and romance, there are ways to bring it back so that it can have the richness of gelato, yet be nourishing and fresh.

Relationships begin with infatuation. A crush is mistaken for love because it is so powerful and ineffable, even though it is fleeting in the end. Romantic love leaves an imprint on the heart and psyche that is hard to shake. When love matures and the romantic sentiment fades over years of managing kids, chores, jobs, money, and family commitments, the memory of that imprint can cause misery as couples feel loss. This is a pivotal point when marriage begins to unravel.

Most relationships begin with gelato and then evolve into true intimacy and love. With infatuation, you’re projecting your ideal lover onto someone who seems like the right fit, but once the real life intrudes, that projection fades. In a long-term relationship, intimacy develops as you see your partner’s flaws—and he sees yours. And by overcoming hardships together, intimacy deepens. Romantic weekends may be fun, but don’t lead to long-lasting romance and passion unless they are part of a real relationship.

Negative Sentiment Override

Though every partner sometimes has negative feelings about the other, in a deteriorating marriage one or both partners can develop what Dr. John Gottman calls negative sentiment override: “where your bad thoughts about your partner and relationship overwhelm and override any positive thoughts about them. You may start to stockpile your grievances, keeping track of each offense your partner commits. In the meantime, your bad feelings fester and grow.” (Gottman, John, Ph.D., Gottman, Julie Schwartz, Ph.D. 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, 2006.)

With negative sentiment override, disappointment seeps in as a husband or wife increasingly believes their partner is not their ideal mate. This is the time when a relationship is most vulnerable to infidelity. Thoughts of “what could have been” begin to dominate one’s private thoughts; the partner is viewed more and more with disappointment and criticism. The unhappy spouse often keeps these thoughts from the partner. Or, attempts to discuss the loss of intimacy are seen as a threat to both partners, and conversations are avoided.

When bottled-up feelings seek a release, people might seek support from a co-worker or a friend who will listen compassionately. Sometimes when friends get together, the conversation turns to the ways their partner goofed up, let them down, or was clueless, and camaraderie begins—a kind of misery-loves-company partner-bashing. By verbalizing the big and small ways their husband or wife is clueless, inept, thoughtless, inattentive, and dull, wives exaggerate and reinforce these very traits. Rather than relationship-enhancing thoughts, negative thinking dominates, squeezing out all traces of what drew a couple together and the good they created together in the marriage.

Laying the Ground for an Affair

If feelings of self-pity take hold and there is a convenient, attractive co-worker who is also feeling unhappy in their relationship, the friendship can become sexualized as they confide in each other over coffee, lunches, and eventually drinks after work. As meetings become more clandestine, the secrecy provides a dual purpose: it keeps the threat to the marriage from their spouses and it perpetuates excitement, intrigue, and illicit fantasies. This dynamic mimics the excitement they felt with their spouse at the beginning of their courtship when life was simpler.

Couples Counseling

At this juncture, some partners come to couples counseling because either the emotional affair has been revealed or because mutual unhappiness leads one partner to suggest counseling. If the emotional affair has not been revealed and in fact is continuing, then counseling will most likely be doomed. No marriage, with all of its history of squabbles, bickering, and life stresses, will compare with a sexualized companion who listens with consoling, uncomplaining, unquestioning patient attention. Trying to work on a marriage when only one partner is involved (even nonsexually) with someone outside the marriage is like choosing gelato. The healthier choice of marriage, like non-fat yogurt versus full-fat gelato, will lose in most cases. Our impulses to recapture the imprint of passionate love strongly pulls us from what is healthy—an impulse rather than a conscious choice.

Truth and Honesty: Rebuilding Intimacy

As difficult as it is, every relationship must be based on trust. Affairs, whether emotional or full-on sexual, do not have to spell the end of a marriage. I have worked with many couples that, once the affair is disclosed, use it as a wake-up call to begin to rebuild intimacy. But first, they must have the conversations that have been avoided or ignored. In the safety of counseling, many couples will develop the tools to resurrect their love, and while they may not return to the delirium of pounding hearts and fantasy, they will remember that still-present imprint of the love that brought them together.