O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Passion and Romance in Marriage: How it Goes Sour

Would you choose gelato over non-fat frozen yogurt? Most of us would say gelato, even knowing that it is an unhealthy choice. Long-term marriage versus an affair? Most would choose a good, healthy marriage over a fleeting affair. But that choice depends on many variables. Is your marriage healthy? Do you still have passion, romance, and intimacy? If your relationship has lost its passion and romance, there are ways to bring it back so that it can have the richness of gelato, yet be nourishing and fresh.

Relationships begin with infatuation. A crush is mistaken for love because it is so powerful and ineffable, even though it is fleeting in the end. Romantic love leaves an imprint on the heart and psyche that is hard to shake. When love matures and the romantic sentiment fades over years of managing kids, chores, jobs, money, and family commitments, the memory of that imprint can cause misery as couples feel loss. This is a pivotal point when marriage begins to unravel.

Most relationships begin with gelato and then evolve into true intimacy and love. With infatuation, you’re projecting your ideal lover onto someone who seems like the right fit, but once the real life intrudes, that projection fades. In a long-term relationship, intimacy develops as you see your partner’s flaws—and he sees yours. And by overcoming hardships together, intimacy deepens. Romantic weekends may be fun, but don’t lead to long-lasting romance and passion unless they are part of a real relationship.

Negative Sentiment Override

Though every partner sometimes has negative feelings about the other, in a deteriorating marriage one or both partners can develop what Dr. John Gottman calls negative sentiment override: “where your bad thoughts about your partner and relationship overwhelm and override any positive thoughts about them. You may start to stockpile your grievances, keeping track of each offense your partner commits. In the meantime, your bad feelings fester and grow.” (Gottman, John, Ph.D., Gottman, Julie Schwartz, Ph.D. 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, 2006.)

With negative sentiment override, disappointment seeps in as a husband or wife increasingly believes their partner is not their ideal mate. This is the time when a relationship is most vulnerable to infidelity. Thoughts of “what could have been” begin to dominate one’s private thoughts; the partner is viewed more and more with disappointment and criticism. The unhappy spouse often keeps these thoughts from the partner. Or, attempts to discuss the loss of intimacy are seen as a threat to both partners, and conversations are avoided.

When bottled-up feelings seek a release, people might seek support from a co-worker or a friend who will listen compassionately. Sometimes when friends get together, the conversation turns to the ways their partner goofed up, let them down, or was clueless, and camaraderie begins—a kind of misery-loves-company partner-bashing. By verbalizing the big and small ways their husband or wife is clueless, inept, thoughtless, inattentive, and dull, wives exaggerate and reinforce these very traits. Rather than relationship-enhancing thoughts, negative thinking dominates, squeezing out all traces of what drew a couple together and the good they created together in the marriage.

Laying the Ground for an Affair

If feelings of self-pity take hold and there is a convenient, attractive co-worker who is also feeling unhappy in their relationship, the friendship can become sexualized as they confide in each other over coffee, lunches, and eventually drinks after work. As meetings become more clandestine, the secrecy provides a dual purpose: it keeps the threat to the marriage from their spouses and it perpetuates excitement, intrigue, and illicit fantasies. This dynamic mimics the excitement they felt with their spouse at the beginning of their courtship when life was simpler.

Couples Counseling

At this juncture, some partners come to couples counseling because either the emotional affair has been revealed or because mutual unhappiness leads one partner to suggest counseling. If the emotional affair has not been revealed and in fact is continuing, then counseling will most likely be doomed. No marriage, with all of its history of squabbles, bickering, and life stresses, will compare with a sexualized companion who listens with consoling, uncomplaining, unquestioning patient attention. Trying to work on a marriage when only one partner is involved (even nonsexually) with someone outside the marriage is like choosing gelato. The healthier choice of marriage, like non-fat yogurt versus full-fat gelato, will lose in most cases. Our impulses to recapture the imprint of passionate love strongly pulls us from what is healthy—an impulse rather than a conscious choice.

Truth and Honesty: Rebuilding Intimacy

As difficult as it is, every relationship must be based on trust. Affairs, whether emotional or full-on sexual, do not have to spell the end of a marriage. I have worked with many couples that, once the affair is disclosed, use it as a wake-up call to begin to rebuild intimacy. But first, they must have the conversations that have been avoided or ignored. In the safety of counseling, many couples will develop the tools to resurrect their love, and while they may not return to the delirium of pounding hearts and fantasy, they will remember that still-present imprint of the love that brought them together.

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Relationships and Vacations

 

A weekend away can bring back romance and intimacy

For many couples, a vacation brings a return to romance. But you can set yourself up for disappointment if your expectations are too high or unrealistic.

 Usually, at some point in couples’ therapy, a weekend away is scheduled to help build romance and passion back into a strained relationship. For many, this is seen as an opportunity to take a break from the day-to-day grind of kids, chores, and work. One partner eagerly anticipates a day of whirlwind sex– —morning sex, afternoon delight, and after after-dinner sex–—that will recreate the relationship’s early months. The other partner looks forward to time to relax with a book or strolls on the beach.

But whatever your plans—and however closely you agree on them—travel entails some stress. Disappointed expectations can overshadow the romance you expect. Rather than saving a marriage, a vacation can break it.

During our first trip to Italy several years ago, I came down with the flu. A runny nose soon progressed to a sore throat and lethargy. By the time we disembarked in Venice and boarded a crowded ferry bound for our hotel, I was miserable and cranky. Venice, with a reputation as one of the world’s most romantic cities, looked to me as crowded and fake as Disneyland. I wondered how I could survive three days.

Pulling our suitcases over the cobbled streets, my snarkiness only increased. Our (tiny) room with a view looked onto a postage-stamp sized courtyard where men were working on a scaffold right outside our window. With saws and hammers pounding, I tried to sleep. We moved to a different hotel the next day.

But as I began to feel better, Venice came alive. The city’s turns and twists, I found, ended in delightful surprises. Canals and bridges no longer looked like Disneyland. Instead, Venice worked its charm on me and my mood changed. During our stay, I read Henry James’s journal about his life in Venice. This description personifies the city, giving it life:

It is by living there from day to day that you feel the fullness of her charm; that you invite her exquisite influence to sink into your spirit. The creature varies like a nervous woman, whom you know only when you know all aspects of her beauty. She has high spirits or low, she is pale or red, grey or pink, cold or warm, fresh or wan, according to the weather and the hour. She is always interesting and almost always sad, but she has a thousand occasional graces and is always liable to happy accidents. You become extraordinarily fond of these things; you count upon them; they make part of your life. Tenderly fond you become; there is something indefinable in those depths of personal acquaintance that gradually establish themselves. The place seems to personify itself, to become human and sentient and conscious of your affection. You desire to embrace it, to caress it, to possess it; and finally, a soft sense of possession grows up and your visit becomes a perpetual love affair. (Italian Hours, Henry James)

Disappointed expectations can overshadow  the romance you expect

Travel requires adaption and flexibility. Knowing that before you embark can prevent disappointment when things go awry.

Whether it be delayed trains or planes, or illness, or other setbacks, it helps to remember that the inevitable challenges inherent in travel will test your relationship even as it provides the opportunity for more intimate contact with your partner. If you haven’t managed conflicts well at home, they tend to resurface when you are together away from those responsibilities.

So, to avoid being disappointed when you finally get that weekend or long-anticipated vacation away, keep in mind the following suggestions:

  1. Discuss expectations. Assuming that your partner will want exactly what you do will set you up for disappointment. Preferences and energy levels differ. Do you want to eat out every meal? Or grab a quick bite at a mini-store several times each day? How much time do you each want for shopping or museums?  One partner might want to go for a run in the morning, while the other might want to sleep in. Talk it through before you go so you can know each other’s preferences. Remember: compromise is the key to harmony.
  2. Respect your differences and give them space. It’s okay to split up and do different things part of the day. Just make sure you agree beforehand on how much time you need for this.
  3. Relax and let yourselves rediscover being together.  Leaving room for fun, adventure, and just chill time allows intimacy to emerge naturally.

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Are you texting your partner too much? 6 Ways Texting Can Be Inappropriate in Your Relationship

With smartphones, our partner is just a text away. That’s not always a good thing. Sure, texting is a great way of communicating information quickly and efficiently, such as ”Don’t forget eggs,” or “I’m running late, see you in 10,” or “Call me, we need to talk.”

But just like answering machines and voicemail in their day, texting can be a way to avoid conversation. Leave a quick message, and you won’t have to talk to the person on the other end. You don’t have to deal with the messy non-verbal cues that might lead you to feel cut off, criticized, or ignored. Texting is sometimes a way to check out of intimacy. And obsessive texting, just as in obsessively checking email or social media, can be a way to avoid the person you’re actually with.

When not used to avoid, texting can be a means of checking up on and controlling your partner. The Wall Street Journal article “I’m OK, You’re Needy” (Elizabeth Bernstein, July 15, 2013) looks at how neediness can show itself in the form of constant texting. (Ironically, younger people—those most likely to text—may not recognize the title of the article as a takeoff from I’m OK, You’re OK, a popular self-help psychology book by Thomas A. Harris, MD [1967].) When one partner feels worried about where their spouse is, who they are with, and what they are doing, they may text as a way to check up on them. When they don’t get a response, they will text again and again. This only serves to irritate their partner.

In my work as a couples counselor, I often see clients use texting not for better communication but as a replacement for conversation or a way to check up on partners. That’s not healthy.

Here are a few ways that texting can be inappropriate in your relationship.

1. Having a dialogue that goes back and forth in paragraph form.

2. Texting angrily to tell your partner off so you don’t have to engage in a face-to-face discussion.

3. Venting, swearing and cussing to avoid taking responsibility for holding up your end of a two-way talk.

4. Texting to avoid hearing something you don’t want to hear. You can always feel in the right if you avoid a real dialogue.

5. Texting to check up on your partner. Where are they and why haven’t they called or responded to your text?

6. Needing to feel constantly connected so you don’t have to feel alone.

Meaningful conversation takes openness and a desire to hear your partner’s views, thoughts, and feelings.

The happiest relationships have a good balance of talking with each other about the day’s events or stresses—and time to be with each other and not having to talk. If you are texting your partner multiple times in a day, and repeating the same comments or questions, then take the time to reflect on why you feel the need to keep the texts coming. Are you lonely, insecure, worried about what your partner is doing? Are they faithful? Do they love you? Are they having fun with someone else? Just taking a few moments to ask yourself these questions may serve to inhibit your reflex urge to send a text.

Then, notice how you feel. Are you feeling emotionally and physically stressed? If so, take some time to calm yourself. Make a note to yourself to ask your question or make your comment at the next opportunity to have a real conversation. Make time to talk on the phone—or (gasp) talk in person.

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140 Characters or Less: The Three-Sentence Rule in Communication

 

Couples frequently come to therapy complaining of communication problems. Conflicts don’t get resolved. Intimacy has left the relationship. They lead parallel lives. The focus is on the kids, or their work or friends, but not each other.

During the first session of couples counseling, I take a history of the relationship and ask them to talk about a current problem for ten minutes. Invariably one partner will dominate the discussion. In subsequent sessions, I see the same thing.

For instance, Jody and Tom came to couples therapy because Jody feels Tom never listens to her. She is upset because he tunes her out and doesn’t open up about his thoughts and feelings. Observing Jody and Tom for a few minutes gives an important clue to why they have come to this place in their relationship: Jody talks a lot. In fact, she talks in paragraphs—even pages. She is animated, eager to express herself. Tom sinks into the sofa, shoulders hunched in resignation as Jody takes over the conversation. There is no doubt that she has important points to make and makes them well, but Tom doesn’t get a chance to speak. When I prompt Jody to let Tom speak, he gets a couple of sentences out, and then Jody interrupts, speaking for him.

Who Talks More in Your Relationship?

I have seen this scenario over and over again in my work with couples. Do women talk more than men? This is a controversial issue and many factors come into play. American neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine reported that the average man speaks about 7,000 words a day, while the average woman clocks in at 20,000. My observations would bear that out, although admittedly, I see a skewed sample. However, I don’t think it is a genetic or neurological issue so much as a relationship one.

The very thing that Jody wants from Tom is closeness, but she doesn’t give him a chance to talk. The pattern gets further entrenched as Tom’s unexpressed resentment grows and he retreats into his own thoughts, which often see Jody in a negative light. This perpetuates the cycle, with Jody seeing him in turn as distant and aloof. Furthering the pattern is a subtle dynamic at play: as Jody sees Tom’s discomfort and reluctance, she talks for him—letting him off the hook, so to speak.

They each have a role to play in this dynamic but are not aware of their roles.
Using a variety of interventions, I have Jody and Tom change the way they talk and listen. I frequently invoke what I call the “three-sentence rule” for the partner who dominates the conversation. When they come to see the pattern, this rule is met with chuckles and relief. Jody doesn’t really want to do all the talking, and Tom wants a chance to be listened to.

Reciprocity is Essential to Good Communication

Lately, because of the popularity of Twitter, I suggest a rule of 140 characters or less. Tech-savvy couples know this means to limit talk to the most pertinent points, usually in three sentences. Pause. Give your partner a chance to respond. Resume. Reciprocity is essential to good communication. As Tom expresses himself more, Jody can relax and feel less need to control the conversation. In this way, couples learn more about each other, bringing closeness and, in time, greater intimacy. Couples are often surprised to see their patterns of communication are changeable.

So if you catch yourself speaking in paragraphs abounding with run-on sentences, stop and let your partner have a chance to speak. You may be surprised by what you learn from each other.

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Do Opposites Attract? How what once attracted us can begin to repel

We Seek Wholeness in Ourselves When we Choose our Mate

The adage “opposites attract” is often true before marriage and well into the first few years of a relationship. However, as I have seen in many years of providing marriage counseling, the powerful attraction that once drew you to your mate can fade over time. If personality differences are misunderstood, then the initial attraction will turn to ”opposites repel,” leading to negative feelings for the person you were deeply drawn to when dating.

 Using the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory in Couples Counseling

I sometimes have my couple clients take a True-False test called the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a questionnaire based on the work of Carl Jung that assesses different psychological types according to four pairs of preferences: extraversion vs. introversion, sensing vs. intuition, thinking vs. feeling, and judging vs. perception. We all use all four functions, but some are more dominant than others.

The MBTI is used by, for example, vocational counselors to help people select occupations that best suit their temperaments. It has also been widely used by employers and managers to appreciate differences in workers with the aim of functioning better in teams, thus avoiding misunderstanding and increasing efficiency by reducing personality conflicts.

Decision making in marriage can be challenging when partners are opposite on some personality traits. When I was ready to buy my new car I decided what I wanted, test drove it and did some quick online research to see what the inventory was, and at what price. I went to our local dealership and was quoted a price that seemed fair. I was prepared to purchase the car then and there, but since we believe that big purchases should always be discussed and agreed on, I took my decision to my partner for the final green light. He immediately jumped into the decision-making by polling every dealer within 100 miles of us and reading every consumer report written on the car.

My psychological preference is Feeling and my husband is Thinking. Both approaches have to do with decision making, and each is valid. Feeling types seek harmony with people. Thinking types seek objective clarity. Because I felt that the car salesman was honest and nice, I trusted his price quote. I didn’t want there to be discomfort or tension.

When all was said and done, he came to me with the exact price I was quoted, saying it was a good price, giving his approval. Because we respected each other’s differences, we came to an agreement.

When Jeff and Lynn came to marriage therapy they were stuck in gridlock about how to spend time in their retirement. Jeff wanted to spend time at home, tinkering with projects in the garage and watching old home movies—something he wasn’t able to do when he worked six days a week. Jeff is a typical Introvert, someone who needs alone time to recharge his batteries and who is drained by too much socializing. Lynn, in contrast, was bored with staying home and wanted to travel and see the many sights that they hadn’t had time or money for before retirement. Lynn is an Extrovert, someone who gains energy from social contact and feels drained without it. These differences made even smaller decisions difficult for Lynn and Jeff. For instance, Lynn wanted to entertain friends and loved putting on big dinner parties, but that made Jeff uncomfortable. He much preferred to have one couple over and play Pictionary. Lynn was furious at Jeff for what she considered to be thwarting her dreams. Jeff felt overwhelmed and withdrew from her when their discussions turned to these issues.

We seek what we want to complete us when we choose a mate. This is largely unconscious. When Jeff first met Lynn he was mesmerized by her vitality and adventurous spirit. He loved how she could talk to anyone. He was invigorated by her constant energy. Lynn was in love with Jeff’s calm and his ability to love the simple things in life. They were attracted to the very traits that were undeveloped in themselves.

Life transitions such as retirement often bring out differences in how a couple will make decisions. When life is routine, these personality difference can be dealt with, even masked. But with challenges such as the birth of a child or a move, the traits that you loved in your partner become the very things that drive you crazy.

The MBTI is a valuable test to help couples understand why they sometimes fight about the same things over and over again. I like it because unlike many psychological tests, the MBTI is non-pathologizing. There are no good or bad traits. Every one of the sixteen types indicates a difference in how one gathers information, organizes their life, how they like to spend their time, and how they think (or feel) through the various decisions that confront them.

After giving Jeff and Lynn the MBTI I was able to help them understand Jeff’s introversion and Lynn’s extroversion. Neither of them was wrong; they just needed to understand and appreciate their differences. We worked with ways they could get their individual needs met, and still find things to do together in retirement. They began to keep a list of activities they each wanted to do and then found ways to compromise about how to going about doing them together, honoring each other’s interests and dreams. This was immensely reassuring. Once you realize that your partner is not wrong, or odd, you can start talking compromise.

Despite my husband and I having opposite types for Feeling and Thinking, we can come to the exact same decision, as with buying the car, but we do it differently. Understanding each other saves a lot of time in the long run!