O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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Using Softened Startup in Conflict Discussions

Dirty Dishes in the Sink, Smelly Socks on the Floor

Sometimes the things that drive us most crazy in a marriage are the most mundane and trivial: dishes piled up in the sink, socks dropped on the floor. We may complain, criticize, and yell, but the end effect is that the dishes don’t get done, the socks eventually migrate back to the floor, and we end up feeling even more distanced and angry toward our partner. If complaining doesn’t work, neither does ignoring what drives us crazy. Over time, a couple can see their relationship with what John Gottman describes as “negative perspective.” We get so focused on the negative that we become unable to recognize even neutral or positive actions from our partners, snowballing our unhappiness.

As a couples therapist for many years, I’ve seen the situations that bring clients to treatment range from catastrophic events like affairs and severe illness to the mundane, like smelly socks and cluttered countertops. A sampling of conflicts:

 

  • An older couple squabbles over the bedcovers: the wife says her husband hogs the blankets, leaving her freezing much of the night; she feels her husband is selfish and inconsiderate, while he thinks she should just tug harder on the covers.
  • A young husband says that his stay-at-home wife leaves dirty dishes in the sink for days on end and he ends up cleaning the kitchen every night, even if he made the meal; he feels his wife is lazy, and she feels he’s ignoring the work she has done.
  • A couple complains that they’ve stopped sleeping together because their child is too afraid to sleep alone and needs to be consoled, even at age eight. The father, now sleeping on the couch, feels left out of the closeness and warmth that mother and child enjoy, and soothes himself through weed, drinking, and internet games or porn; the mother feels she must put her child’s needs first and co-sleeping is best.

 

Without help, such situations can drive a wedge between couples that can go on for years. Research has shown that couples wait an average of six years after becoming aware of problems in their relationship to seek counseling. That’s a lot of water under the bridge, and a lot of built-up hurt, anger, and distance. By the time couples do come to counseling, their relationship has usually crumbled, with deeply entrenched negative thoughts about the marriage. Fighting about the dishes is no longer about the dishes–it’s about a partner’s poor character. “She is so self-centered”; “He is so lazy.”

How does a couples therapist help when each partner blames the other and feels like the victim? Taking sides is not an option: the partner who feels ganged up on will bolt from therapy, and nothing will change. There may occasionally arise a need to confront one partner about issues that are causing harm, such as abuse, but in my practice, that is rarely the case. That said, helping untangle years of accumulated misunderstandings is not an instant fix. Everyone becomes invested in seeing things our own way, so opening our eyes to a partner’s viewpoint is something that takes time and skill. The good news is that these skills can be taught by a therapist who helps change the dialogue.

Softened Start-up Rather than Harsh Start-up

One of the most useful and yet seemingly simple skills to teach is to complain without blame and to begin a conflict discussion with a softened start-up.

How does this look? Well, take the older couple who fights about the blankets. With a harsh start-up, the freezing wife might say “You have no idea how selfish you are! You take all the covers every single night, leaving me with just the sheet—and a thin sliver of a sheet at that!” Her husband becomes defensive: “Well, what a complainer. Just tug on the blankets, and quit blaming me! I’m asleep, I can’t help it.”

It may feel momentarily satisfying, but coming out swinging engenders a harsh reply and an unhelpful one at that. A seemingly small squabble becomes gridlocked. A softened alternative might go like this: “I realize you’re asleep and unaware of my getting cold at night when I have no blankets. It probably happens as you roll over several times during the night, leaving me uncovered. When my sleep is disturbed, I get grouchy the next day, and unfairly blame you for something you’re unaware is happening. I wonder if we can come up with a solution?”

Of course,  her partner might try to laugh it off with  “Why don’t you just sleep in the guest room?”  But, soothed by a soft start-up, he could reply sincerely, without defensiveness: “I know this has been a problem for you for awhile, and I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable and cold at night. Maybe we can devise a way to fix this together. Let’s go to Target and see if there are blanket fasteners or something, and if not, let’s buy a fluffy down comforter and duvet.”

It would be misleading to suggest that this conversation can happen during the first few sessions. To change the way you talk about the blankets, it’s important to realize that the blankets aren’t really the problem. A skilled couples therapist will further the discussion so that each partner feels heard and understood. By uncovering what’s underneath the blankets, so to speak, the couple can see what’s really been covered over.

For the wife in my example, blankets were just one of many ways she felt her partner had been selfish and uncaring. When we discussed some of the feelings that surrounded the blanket-stealing, she was able to see things in a new light. She took ownership for communicating this and her other needs, and responsibility for doing it in a better, less judgmental way. As for her husband, he was able to see that he had in fact been acting with self-interest and ignoring his wife’s needs in many situations. But—and this is equally important—they were also better able to see each other’s good attributes once negative thinking wasn’t squeezing out relationship-enhancing thoughts.

When the concept of a softened startup is introduced in therapy, many partners will exclaim, “But that’s not the way I talk, it isn’t me!” or “Won’t I need a frontal lobotomy to talk this way?”

I chuckle, saying, “No, nothing that drastic.” It takes practice, but eventually, this way of bringing up conflict becomes second nature and feels good. A partner who joins in with a positive response helps to sustain and reinforce this healthier way of handling conflict.

What I love about doing this work with couples is the ripple effect. Not only does the couple change the way they talk to each other, but they model this better communication for their families and children. It’s important to remember that kids pick up both the good and bad things we do in front of them.

The first workshop I took with Dr. John Gottman was in 2000. I began practicing this softened startup with my husband before trying it with couples. We had a CD with practice prompts, and listened to it on a long car ride, with our kids in the back seat. Eventually, our twin daughters began answering the prompts with the softened alternative. We made it a game—yet it became a powerful tool for dealing with conflict. When the girls left home for college, they noticed that most of their dorm-mates were not able to handle conflict so well. The techniques work beyond the family setting.

You don’t have to be a psychologist (or have psychologist parents) to practice these techniques yourself. Take the dirty-dishes example—a frequent conflict for roommates as well as couples. You come home from work and see the dishes stacked high in the sink, overflowing onto the countertops. You think your stay-at-home partner should have done them. A harsh startup would be, ” I can’t believe you still haven’t done those dishes! You’re such a lazy slob.”  To that startup, a defensive comeback would be,  “Well, look at you! You’re not doing them either. So you devalue what I do all day long just because you work outside the home? I work too! You’re so full of yourself!”

You can imagine how the rest of that conversation goes—but it doesn’t have to. Practice coming up with a softened startup for this situation from what you’ve learned so far—try it out!

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I’ll give you one way to do this, but it’s not brain surgery; you’ll find many ways to phrase a soft startup in your own words:

“You know I tend to be a neat freak. When the kitchen counters and sink are dirty, I feel uncomfortable. I know you work hard and having clean counters isn’t as important for you, but I wonder if we can together find a way to stay on top of it, as a team?”

The key to all this is to know yourself, take responsibility for your feelings and reactions, and speak about your needs and feelings without leveling a global character assault on your partner.

Now, imagine one of your ongoing conflicts, and try out in your mind a way to communicate using a softened alternative. It’s a surprisingly powerful technique.

 

 

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Learning to Stay Calm During Difficult Discussions

By the time couples come to couples therapy they have a built up a lot of tension around recurring problems. For instance, when Joe and Amy came to therapy they had been arguing about who has it harder with respect to chores and child-care. Each felt they were sacrificing more than the other. This led to the typical quid pro quo or tit-for-tat scenario. Many of their arguments were just different versions of the same core conflict. Their discussions quickly escalate.

Couples come to therapy to resolve conflicts and learn better ways to communicate when disagreements arise. When the same issues arise again and again—often over seemingly simple daily routines like who does what in terms of housework, childcare, or social and recreational time— we call this a perpetual problem. Stressful times or life transitions such as retirement, job loss, childbirth, empty nest, or illness can activate these perpetual problems, leading to increased conflict and negative feelings about the marriage.

When a couple first starts therapy, one or both partners will be thinking negative thoughts about their partner.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman teaches couples to manage conflict rather than eliminate it, and learning to stay calm during difficult discussions is an important tool in managing that conflict. The stress of arguments creates a “fight or flight” response that is both physical and emotional: the heart rate increases, muscles become tense, blood flow decreases to the hands and feet. These physiologic signs are signals that one is overwhelmed or “flooded.”

Studies have shown that this level of heightened arousal affects the ability to accurately recall events, stay focused, and listen to another. Feeling flooded can also lead to the defense mechanism of stonewalling, or shutting down.

Shutting down serves to protect the stonewaller from the discomfort of increased flooding, but it effectively stalls further communication. Indeed, stonewalling is the fourth and most dangerous of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” emotional patterns that can sabotage a relationship, according to John Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.

The Importance of Self-soothing During Conflicts

Calming down, then, in the midst of a conflicted discussion allows both partners to continue to work on the issue in a more productive and compassionate way. In couples therapy, when one partner is flooded, I gently stop them and ask them to become aware of their arousal level. I have seen profound effects from this simple intervention. It is one of the cornerstones of the Gottman approach and one that has proved to be immensely helpful. This step alone increases the client’s attention to their own reactions and can take them away from the blame game. Later, clients can be taught to recognize for themselves the sometimes subtle onset of tension that can quickly escalate to anger.

Simply noticing heightened arousal may not be enough, and this is where therapists can help teach self-soothing techniques. Many couples therapists will tell their clients to “take a time out” when overwhelmed with emotion. However, many people who come to counseling simply don’t know how to relax during a difficult conversation. Taking just ten minutes of a session to do a relaxation exercise—focusing on slowing breathing, heart rate, and noticing sensations of warmth and letting go of unnecessary muscle tension—can give that necessary pause before resuming a dialogue that has become heated. When Joe and Amy become flooded in a session, they stop looking at each other, shrug their shoulders, and stop talking. Other couples may raise their voices and talk at each other, rather than with each other. It is at this point, that I may ask them to take a few minutes to pay attention to their breathing.

That’s especially important because when one partner is flooded, both are flooded: the emotional build-up is reciprocal. Teaching self-soothing in the moment will lead to new skills in communication and will improve conflict management. The awareness of cues that lead to over-arousal is the first step in helping a couple slow down enough to effectively process and continue a conversation. What we are in fact doing is teaching a form of mindfulness, even during an argument.

Using self-soothing during a couples session when one or the other partner is flooded is surprisingly easy. Perhaps couples’ therapists do not use this powerful technique because they assume that it will take the couple away from the issue they are discussing in a therapy session. However, to let an argument continue to the point of emotional and physical flooding will only leave the couple feeling worse at the end of the therapy hour. Taking just a few minutes of the session to be guided into a relaxation exercise can have profound effects because it will slow things down enough so that the discussion can continue in a more productive and caring way.

It is my deep belief that teaching a couple to self-soothe and ultimately to soothe one another brings depth and empathic attunement to the marriage. This obviously benefits the couple but has a ripple effect on the family. As we know, children model their parents’ emotional regulation or dis-regulation. When kids are able to feel safe around parents, even in the midst of an argument, they will gradually internalize the ability to do their own self-soothing.