O'Grady Psychology Associates

Psychotherapy, Marriage Counseling, Neuropsychological Assessment

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A Lesson In Mindfulness: Blackberry Picking

Being mindful when doing daily tasks is a lesson in informal meditation practice.

The Great Irish Poet Seamus Heaney died yesterday. He won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1995. In this youtube, he reads his poem, Blackberry Picking. This poem has always been a favorite of our family. As in all poetry, it has many layers of meaning. When our daughters were growing up, we spent several dinner conversations discussing the poem and what it meant to each of us.

Mindfulness is not hoarding experience but finding pleasure in the moment.

Being in the moment means being aware of the colors and smells, the taste, and the pain of scratched hands. There is an awareness that this moment will not last. It cannot last. No matter how much we want it to last, it will not. Our minds will inevitably move onto the next thought, and the next experience. Picking blackberries requires patience as ripe berries are often hidden in the brambles and you have to reach deep into the thicket to gently pull the tender berry from its lodging. It takes many berries to fill a pot. With that much work, the urge is to hurry through the task so we can either stuff ourselves or start the jam making. Whether it’s to gobble the berries so quickly, without tasting them–or to finish bottling jam so we can cross it off our list for the day–the sense experience of berry picking is lost. Eating freshly picked berries is one of life’s delights. Awareness of the briefness of those moments brings appreciation and attention to the simplest task. Trying to hoard the berries, just like hoarding experience will bring disappointment. In mindfulness practice, we learn to accept the moment knowing that it will fade into the next moment. If you keep the berries in the byre, they will rot and turn sour. Being mindful when doing daily tasks is a lesson in informal meditation practice.

The poem Blackberry Picking, shows how hoarding experiences for later, spoils the moment.

 

Late August, given heavy rain and sun
for a full week, the blackberries would ripen.
At first, just one, a glossy purple clot
among others, red, green, hard as a knot.
You ate that first one and its flesh was sweet
like thickened wine: summer’s blood was in it
leaving stains upon the tongue and lust for
picking. Then red ones inked up and that hunger
sent us out with milk cans, pea tins, jam-pots
where briars scratched and wet grass bleached our boots.
Round hayfields, cornfields and potato-drills
we trekked and picked until the cans were full
until the tinkling bottom had been covered
with green ones, and on top big dark blobs burned
like a plate of eyes. Our hands were peppered
with thorn pricks, our palms sticky as Bluebeard’s.
We hoarded the fresh berries in the byre.
But when the bath was filled we found a fur,
a rat-grey fungus, glutting on our cache.
The juice was stinking too. Once off the bush
the fruit fermented, the sweet flesh would turn sour.
I always felt like crying. It wasn’t fair
that all the lovely canfuls smelt of rot.
Each year I hoped they’d keep, knew they would not.

–Seamus Heaney 1939-2013

 

 

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Relationships and Vacations

 

A weekend away can bring back romance and intimacy

For many couples, a vacation brings a return to romance. But you can set yourself up for disappointment if your expectations are too high or unrealistic.

 Usually, at some point in couples’ therapy, a weekend away is scheduled to help build romance and passion back into a strained relationship. For many, this is seen as an opportunity to take a break from the day-to-day grind of kids, chores, and work. One partner eagerly anticipates a day of whirlwind sex– —morning sex, afternoon delight, and after after-dinner sex–—that will recreate the relationship’s early months. The other partner looks forward to time to relax with a book or strolls on the beach.

But whatever your plans—and however closely you agree on them—travel entails some stress. Disappointed expectations can overshadow the romance you expect. Rather than saving a marriage, a vacation can break it.

During our first trip to Italy several years ago, I came down with the flu. A runny nose soon progressed to a sore throat and lethargy. By the time we disembarked in Venice and boarded a crowded ferry bound for our hotel, I was miserable and cranky. Venice, with a reputation as one of the world’s most romantic cities, looked to me as crowded and fake as Disneyland. I wondered how I could survive three days.

Pulling our suitcases over the cobbled streets, my snarkiness only increased. Our (tiny) room with a view looked onto a postage-stamp sized courtyard where men were working on a scaffold right outside our window. With saws and hammers pounding, I tried to sleep. We moved to a different hotel the next day.

But as I began to feel better, Venice came alive. The city’s turns and twists, I found, ended in delightful surprises. Canals and bridges no longer looked like Disneyland. Instead, Venice worked its charm on me and my mood changed. During our stay, I read Henry James’s journal about his life in Venice. This description personifies the city, giving it life:

It is by living there from day to day that you feel the fullness of her charm; that you invite her exquisite influence to sink into your spirit. The creature varies like a nervous woman, whom you know only when you know all aspects of her beauty. She has high spirits or low, she is pale or red, grey or pink, cold or warm, fresh or wan, according to the weather and the hour. She is always interesting and almost always sad, but she has a thousand occasional graces and is always liable to happy accidents. You become extraordinarily fond of these things; you count upon them; they make part of your life. Tenderly fond you become; there is something indefinable in those depths of personal acquaintance that gradually establish themselves. The place seems to personify itself, to become human and sentient and conscious of your affection. You desire to embrace it, to caress it, to possess it; and finally, a soft sense of possession grows up and your visit becomes a perpetual love affair. (Italian Hours, Henry James)

Disappointed expectations can overshadow  the romance you expect

Travel requires adaption and flexibility. Knowing that before you embark can prevent disappointment when things go awry.

Whether it be delayed trains or planes, or illness, or other setbacks, it helps to remember that the inevitable challenges inherent in travel will test your relationship even as it provides the opportunity for more intimate contact with your partner. If you haven’t managed conflicts well at home, they tend to resurface when you are together away from those responsibilities.

So, to avoid being disappointed when you finally get that weekend or long-anticipated vacation away, keep in mind the following suggestions:

  1. Discuss expectations. Assuming that your partner will want exactly what you do will set you up for disappointment. Preferences and energy levels differ. Do you want to eat out every meal? Or grab a quick bite at a mini-store several times each day? How much time do you each want for shopping or museums?  One partner might want to go for a run in the morning, while the other might want to sleep in. Talk it through before you go so you can know each other’s preferences. Remember: compromise is the key to harmony.
  2. Respect your differences and give them space. It’s okay to split up and do different things part of the day. Just make sure you agree beforehand on how much time you need for this.
  3. Relax and let yourselves rediscover being together.  Leaving room for fun, adventure, and just chill time allows intimacy to emerge naturally.

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Are you texting your partner too much? 6 Ways Texting Can Be Inappropriate in Your Relationship

With smartphones, our partner is just a text away. That’s not always a good thing. Sure, texting is a great way of communicating information quickly and efficiently, such as ”Don’t forget eggs,” or “I’m running late, see you in 10,” or “Call me, we need to talk.”

But just like answering machines and voicemail in their day, texting can be a way to avoid conversation. Leave a quick message, and you won’t have to talk to the person on the other end. You don’t have to deal with the messy non-verbal cues that might lead you to feel cut off, criticized, or ignored. Texting is sometimes a way to check out of intimacy. And obsessive texting, just as in obsessively checking email or social media, can be a way to avoid the person you’re actually with.

When not used to avoid, texting can be a means of checking up on and controlling your partner. The Wall Street Journal article “I’m OK, You’re Needy” (Elizabeth Bernstein, July 15, 2013) looks at how neediness can show itself in the form of constant texting. (Ironically, younger people—those most likely to text—may not recognize the title of the article as a takeoff from I’m OK, You’re OK, a popular self-help psychology book by Thomas A. Harris, MD [1967].) When one partner feels worried about where their spouse is, who they are with, and what they are doing, they may text as a way to check up on them. When they don’t get a response, they will text again and again. This only serves to irritate their partner.

In my work as a couples counselor, I often see clients use texting not for better communication but as a replacement for conversation or a way to check up on partners. That’s not healthy.

Here are a few ways that texting can be inappropriate in your relationship.

1. Having a dialogue that goes back and forth in paragraph form.

2. Texting angrily to tell your partner off so you don’t have to engage in a face-to-face discussion.

3. Venting, swearing and cussing to avoid taking responsibility for holding up your end of a two-way talk.

4. Texting to avoid hearing something you don’t want to hear. You can always feel in the right if you avoid a real dialogue.

5. Texting to check up on your partner. Where are they and why haven’t they called or responded to your text?

6. Needing to feel constantly connected so you don’t have to feel alone.

Meaningful conversation takes openness and a desire to hear your partner’s views, thoughts, and feelings.

The happiest relationships have a good balance of talking with each other about the day’s events or stresses—and time to be with each other and not having to talk. If you are texting your partner multiple times in a day, and repeating the same comments or questions, then take the time to reflect on why you feel the need to keep the texts coming. Are you lonely, insecure, worried about what your partner is doing? Are they faithful? Do they love you? Are they having fun with someone else? Just taking a few moments to ask yourself these questions may serve to inhibit your reflex urge to send a text.

Then, notice how you feel. Are you feeling emotionally and physically stressed? If so, take some time to calm yourself. Make a note to yourself to ask your question or make your comment at the next opportunity to have a real conversation. Make time to talk on the phone—or (gasp) talk in person.

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Marriage Takes Work, Care, and Attention

“Marriage, the Job: The Hard Work in ‘Before Midnight,’ Amour’ and Other Films and Shows,” A.O. Scott points out that in movies and TV, ”work and wedded bliss are now synonymous: the harder marriage is, the more romantic it seems.” Even a rich, famous, handsome actor like Ben Affleck, married to the equally rich, famous, and beautiful actress Jennifer Garner, could say when accepting his Oscar in front of millions of viewers that his marriage is work.

This might have surprised fans who assume that couples like Affleck and Garner naturally have marriages as glamorous as themselves, but Affleck was expressing a truism of our culture, says Scott. “The idea that lifetime love equals long-term labor pops up in rehearsal-dinner and anniversary-party toasts, and in parental advice and pastoral counseling sessions. It is one of those kernels of common sense that always seems to go without saying, but that also somehow requires constant reiteration.”

Scott shows that the most compelling films about wedded relationships depict real marriages with real problems; happily-ever-after marriages do not keep audiences engaged. This is because there are few completely happy marriages. Granted, I see a skewed sample in my work as a couples’ counselor. But aside from that, I know that my own marriage—any marriage—is an evolving process.

We know that marriage is hard work. We exchange our vows with every intention of keeping them till death do we part, but no one expects to have life problems that distance partners and erode intimacy. No one goes into marriage thinking their spouse will have an affair, or that the couple will face challenging problems with children or chronic health conditions. Life is not predictable.

Romance is thrilling. We go into monogamous relationships with every intention of keeping that thrill alive forever. Despite our best intentions, we grow apart. The demands of earning a living and raising a family take a toll. Couples may face challenging problems with children or chronic health conditions. Couples often come to counseling with the complaint that they are leading parallel lives. They feel more like roommates than the lovers they once were.

In a recently published study conducted at UCLA that examined 251 couples, the authors found that nearly all the spouses predicted that in the first four years of marriage, the relationship would be stable or improve. But in fact, the most optimistic wives “showed the steepest declines in marital satisfaction.” This optimism was also correlated with lower self-esteem, higher stress, and physical aggression toward their partners. Optimism can, in fact, be dangerous: “Believing that one’s marriage will improve does not make it so and instead may paradoxically mask risky relationships among women,” say the authors, adding that “nearly all couples overestimate the durability of their existing satisfied feelings at the start of their marriage.”

Why is marriage so much work? We have to face ourselves when we face our partner. When partners come to couples therapy for the first session, I caution them that this process will be difficult—informed consent, of a kind. Unlike individual psychotherapy where you can choose to talk about a conflict with your partner without his or her counter-argument, in couples therapy there is another person sitting next to you with their own version of what happened during an argument or incident. By necessity, each person must explore what he or she brings to the table. In couples therapy you need to speak your mind, but respect your partner’s view, and it is the therapist’s job to point out what happens in their interaction that gets in the way of understanding the complex dance that is marriage. I believe that a conscious marriage is a path to wholeness.

References:

Scott, A.O. (2013, June 23). Marriage, the Job: The Hard Work in ‘Before Midnight,’ Amour’ and Other Films and Shows. The New York Times. Retrieved from

Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2013, June 24). Newlyweds’ Optimistic
Forecasts of Their Marriage: For Better or for Worse?. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0033423

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Alternative & Complementary Treatment for Emotional and Physical Health

Self-care and ethics for psychologistsWith changes in health care following the Affordable Care Act, providers will soon emphasize health promotion over disease management. Integrating alternative and complementary approaches to well-being will provide patients with ways to manage their health and provide a foundation for preventing new health problems. Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM) has been practiced for the last 25+ years in the United States, but many of these approaches have a much longer history: well over 2,000 years, in the case of yoga. In the last decade, studies examining the effects of yoga have increased substantially—important for yoga’s acceptance as a mainstream treatment.

CAM includes health-care practices that have not generally been considered part of conventional medicine. In 1991 Congress passed legislation to provide the National Institute of Health (NIH) with $2 million in order to study unconventional medicine. Some of the most widely studied alternative approaches to health promotion and maintenance include biofeedback, meditation, dietary supplements, chiropractic treatment, massage therapy, relaxation training, movement therapy, art therapy, and acupuncture, together with spirituality, religion, and prayer. Other approaches, such as hypnosis and bodywork (including Reiki, Hanna Somatic Education, and Feldenkrais), have also been used for several decades.

Biofeedback is One of Many Treatments Shown to be Effective in Treating Medical Problems

Biofeedback can help many medical problems.
Biofeedback Before the Digital Age

I incorporated biofeedback training for the patients I saw during the eight years I worked at Kaiser Hospital in Vallejo, CA. Biofeedback informs a patient of important physical measures such as muscle tension, skin temperature, brain wave activity, and heart rate. The photo shows what was state-of-the-art equipment at the time (circa 1988.)
I treated patients referred by their PCPs, neurologists, and orthopedic physicians for chronic medical problems. These patients were considered ‘high utilizers’ of medical services such as doctor office visits, prescription drugs, and special procedures. Using a treatment model that included cognitive-behavioral therapy, biofeedback, relaxation and meditation training, patients suffering with chronic headache were able to reduce doctor’s office visits by 75%, medications by 56%, emergency room visits by 19%, and special procedures by 6% for up to five years after treatment.

We have come a long way since then. Digital developments since those early years have dramatically changed the way biofeedback services are delivered. But the principle is the same: taking responsibility for your own health.

Taking Responsibility for Your Health is Key to Lasting Change

Teaching a client to control muscle tension so they can reduce musculoskeletal pain, or showing a migraine sufferer how to increase hand temperature through relaxation and biofeedback, involves learning to be aware of stress and the body’s automatic reaction to it. Of course there are some that would rather take a pill to relax, but that doesn’t change the psychophysiological baseline. Taking a pill or a drink will give temporary relief, but will not lead to lasting changes in how the body handles stress, thereby preventing headaches or pain altogether—not treating them once they occur. Implementing positive health behaviors require discipline and consistency. When physicians have 20-minute appointments –once or twice a year—there is not sufficient time to instruct and follow-up on a patient’s exercise or yoga practice. For people who are dealing with significant life stress, medical problems or depression, making life style changes can feel insurmountable. One yoga class will not help an achy back, nor will a meditation class help control anxiety if the home practice component is ignored. Psychotherapy aimed at helping integrate and continue healthy changes can help.

Wearable sensors such as Nike+ FuelBand or the Fitbit One monitor everything from heart rate, steps taken, sleep quality, energy used, and skin temperature. As a recent New York Times article reported, there is even an app to detect signs of depression in diabetes patients through smartphones.

Taking responsibility for health by using both ancient practices and newly emerging technologies and treatments will improve lives and ultimately reduce medical costs. But the most profound outcome is engagement with a life lived fully.

References:

“The Integration of Complementary and Alternative Medicine (CAM) Into
the Practice of Psychology: A Vision for the Future,” in Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 2012, Vol. 43, No. 6, 576–585.

Changes in medical utilization after biofeedback treatment for headache: Long-term follow-up. O’Grady, Susan J. Dissertation Abstracts International, Vol 49(1-B), Jul 1988, 241.

National Institutes of Health (NIH). (2011). NIH—The NIH almanac (NCCAM). http://www.nih.gov/about/almanac/ organization/NCCAM.htm