Two people rarely have the exact same sex drive. One person might be happy with daily sex, another with monthly. Besides differences in basic libido, life events (illness, job stress, childcare) can cause a desire discrepancy in couples. A large desire discrepancy will eventually cause conflict, likely eroding other aspects of the relationship as well.
Why Non-sexual Touching is So Important for Sex
While couples don’t need to be conflict-free for happiness, we know that couples do need more positive interactions than negative ones. Dr. John Gottman’s research on this shows that the magic ratio is 5 to 1. That is, we need to have five times as much positive feeling and behavior with our partners as negative. Couples can increase positive interactions in many ways: by expressing fondness, appreciation, and admiration; regularly connecting by checking in with each other and staying in touch with your partner’s daily life events; and, of course, through physical intimacy.
For an amusing illustration of what goes wrong in many relationships, check out this performance by Flight of the Conchords. Miscommunication about sexual interest, lack of foreplay or after-sex cuddling, and showing little sensitivity to partner’s needs all leads to no sex or to perfunctory sex. And when couples rarely touch, embrace, or kiss except as a prelude to the bedroom, passion can dry up altogether.
But it’s important to remember that intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean sex. in fact, non-sexual touch is vitally important, both in itself and to improve sex lives. For each sexual encounter, it’s important that couples have at least five episodes of non-sexual touch. I use “five” loosely; a 15-1 ratio would be wise. Touching your partner several times a day allows closeness and intimacy to grow in a natural way.
Another reason to increase non-sexual touching is that many partners with a lower sex drive end up avoiding any touch for fear it’ll be interpreted as an invitation to sex. Sometimes partners are exhausted, sleepy, or just planning to go to bed with a book; they would enjoy physical closeness, but sex is the last thing on their minds. Sometimes the lower-drive partner pulls away, avoiding opportunities for physical closeness (cuddling on the sofa, kissing, or spooning in bed in the morning)—or even creates additional distance, for example by making critical comments. Over time, the higher drive partner will make fewer gestures of closeness out of frustration and feelings of rejection.
Another consideration is that partners must still be sensitive to appropriate moments for non-sexual touching. A common dynamic is when men come up behind a partner, often when she’s standing and working in the kitchen, and grab her from behind or grope her. This may be meant as playful (and can be just that); it’s also low-risk because a brush-off doesn’t mean as much if you’re “just messing around.” However, most women report that this gesture feels intrusive and disrespectful as if they’re property. It’s better to invite or ask for touch when a partner isn’t busy.
While the partner with a higher sex drive has a responsibility, so does the lower-libido partner. If partners with higher sex drives start feeling unappreciated, they may drift away and start getting sexual needs met outside of their relationships through online activities, finding sex in other venues, or beginning an affair, without having exactly intended to slide into infidelity.
Non-sexual but physically intimate ways to show your appreciation for a partner include:
- Caressing your partner’s cheek
- Cuddling with one another
- Tickling the inside of your spouse’s arm
- Walking with your arms around each other’s waist
- Sitting close enough so that you are physically touching legs or arms
- Holding hands
- Briefly rubbing your partner’s back while watching TV or standing at the kitchen counter
- Playing footsie with each other
- Kissing or nibbling your partner’s ear
Intimacy doesn’t have to be through direct physical touch, either. Eye contact is also very important. Many couples will go for days without looking directly into each other’s eyes. I confess that when I was in the thick of raising our twins and working many hours a week, that I neglected to notice that my husband had shaved his mustache. He didn’t mention it, waiting to see how long it would take me to notice. That was a wake-up call for me. And we work in the same office!
Of course, while non-sexual touching is important to help create intimacy, so is sex! In my next post, I talk about romance and how to re-ignite it after years of neglect.
couples counseling, and Mindfulness-based therapies in the San Francisco Bay Area for over 20 years.
- Teletherapy–One Year Later - April 26, 2021
- Passion and Sex in Long-Term Relationships - January 1, 2021
- (home video area 2 – mindfulness) - December 1, 2020
Connie says
This has happened to me so many times! I am going to show this article to my husband. He doesn’t realize the way I feel.
Dominic says
Yeah, it really makes me think about how my wife and I need to touch each other more. Thanks for the reminder!
Deanna says
I could have written this article myself. For years I pulled away because my husband was busy living a single life while I raised our 4 children. This resulted in me building up tremendous resentment which in turn translated into distance between us in the bedroom. He ended up having an affair. However 4 years of counselling and we are better than ever. I still struggle with his affections simply because there is no non sexual touch. He loves touching my legs after my bath because they’re smooth and lotioned. I LOVE when he does that but it ALWAYS leads to sex. And so sometimes I avoid access to them, if you will, simply because I know exactly where it will end up. He has the softest hands and his love language is obviously physical touch. But sometimes I would love it if he would leave me wanting more instead.
Dr. Susan O'Grady says
Deanna, I am glad you and your husband worked it out. It is such a common issue for women who would love more touch in their relationship yet avoid it because they may not want sex. You make an important point, that of leaving you wanting more.
Nara says
A true reflection of my current state. As a husband I try to do everything possible and also express my emotions through physical intimacy but my wife for some reason does not reciprocate. Have taken a printout of this document and is planning to share it with her. Hopefully she realizes. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Teeninchee says
Question for Nara: Did things change when you showed her the printout? As I am
contemplating marriage, I am endeavoring to learn my beloved’s way of understanding
my love and his way of conveying his love.
I need touch + affirming words+provision/care; he GIVES provision/
care, affirming words+touch. If I were not aware of it, I’d spend a lot of time feeling
unloved. When I told him how much I NEEDED him to touch me–something as
simple as reaching for my hand when we’re out walking, touching my shoulder as he
passed me when we were working on projects together–he was surprised! His
response? “I didn’t know you wanted me to touch you! (I had eczema from head to foot
as a baby and therefore–other than to apply clean and apply salves–I wasn’t touched
very much. It was too painful! So as a healthy senior adult, I still crave simple touch that
says “I’m here.” “I love you.”) I UNDERSTAND that hies gifts and providing say “I love you” in
his world…but they don’t satisfy my LONGING.
He understands my love as expressed/shown in the time I spend with him, words that
show appreciation, touch and then things.
I’m working on it BEFORE we marry so we will hopefully avoid that barren wilderness
of feeling unloved.
Deborah says
A great article, Susan. The endless focus on sex in our society today has robbed people of a crucial piece of advice that sustains relationships: non-sexual touching.
Matt says
My ex-wife suggested that I google this topic because we are having a go at it one last time. After reading everything in this article I realize that I should have been doing this a long time ago. Thank you for the help.
Matt
Renata says
I broke down crying when I read this. This is exactly how my only long-term relationship dissolved. I felt so incredibly guilty that I was both in love and attracted to my partner and yet couldn’t have sex with him. I couldn’t understand how I fantasised about having sex wit him and yet had no sexual feelings towards him in person. I’m so grateful to have stumbled across this. I know now that there isn’t anything wrong with me. And I know now what I need from relationships in the future. Thank you so much.